


Without Fear

by tsujiharu



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Behavior, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Husbands, Insecure Magnus Bane, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Minor Canonical Character(s), Post-Canon, Soft Alec Lightwood, Soft Husbands, Soft Magnus Bane, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Supportive Magnus Bane, Timestamp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 49,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26352259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsujiharu/pseuds/tsujiharu
Summary: A collection of standalone fics inspired by Dermot Kennedy's album, "Without Fear"Chapter summaries:1. An Evening I Will Not Forget: 5 times Alec is unsure, and 1 time he isn't2. All My Friends: Magnus calls an old friend when he starts feeling anxious about his feelings for Alec3. Power Over Me: Alec has a revelation. He’s starting to figure out what it might mean4. What Have I Done: Magnus has a revelation that’s comforting, terrifying, and exhilarating all wrapped in one5. Moments Passed: Alec deals with the emotional fallout of his fight with Magnus6. The Corner: Magnus makes a deal with Asmodeus7. Lost: Alec is planning a surprise for Magnus, who has recently lost his magic8. Rome: 5 times everything was perfect, and the 1 time he lost it all9. Outnumbered: Magnus finds out Alec almost had Simon turn him into a vampire10. Dancing Under Red Skies: Magnus and Alec talk about what they see for their future11. Outgrown: Magnus is haunted by flashbacks. Alec’s there to comfort him12. Redemption: Alec is nervous about a meeting with Jia13. Without Fear: 5 times Magnus tries to talk himself out of love and 1 time he embraces it
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Andrew Underhill, Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane & Catarina Loss, Magnus Bane & Ragnor Fell, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 49
Kudos: 123





	1. An Evening I Will Not Forget

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I've always enjoyed writing, but never considered myself much of a writer. But after listening to Without Fear, I was so inspired to write this collection of Malec fics, so here it is! The idea has been brewing in my head for a while, so I'm excited to finally start sharing it.
> 
> Because each is a standalone fic, they aren't necessarily structured the same way. Some, like chapter 1, are structured in a 5+1 format while others may be just a one off story.
> 
> This is my first ever fic, and while I have an outline for all 13 chapters, it may take a while for me to complete and post them all. That said, I hope you enjoy this project as much as I'm enjoying working on it!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec thinks back on all the times that he didn't think he could have what he wanted.  
> ***  
> 5 times Alec is insecure and unsure, and 1 time (of many) when he isn't.
> 
> Inspired by "An Evening I will not Forget" by Dermot Kennedy.

**1\. When Love Was Found**

“ _Well done._ ”

“ _More like medium rare._ ”

As soon as the warlock locked eyes with him, Alec knew exactly who he was looking at. He remembered those golden eyes from the photos from his files at the institute. The same eyes that now seemed to have him under a trance, that made him forget for a split second that they were under attack by Valentine, and that his parabatai and family (and that annoying red head that seems intent on staying) may also need his help. The eyes now almost had him forgetting the shame that he had worked so hard to bury deep down within him.

When the warlock introduced himself, (“ _I’m Magnus_ ”) his smooth voice echoed in his foggy head, and brought a crooked smile to Alec’s face. A rare, soft smile that bled through his trained, harsh, iron clad exterior, against his will.

“ _We should, you know…_ ” Alec barely stuttered out, his hazy brain seeming to operate at half the normal speed; feeling like a complete idiot, he wondered for a second whether the warlock had put him under some sort of spell. 

* * *

The training room is empty, and without the lights on it glows a deep blue, illuminated only by the moon. Alec rips off his bow and quiver and throws it on the ground, ignoring it as he hears the arrows scatter and roll into the shadowy corners of the room. He doesn’t bother to wrap his knuckles as he attacks the punching bag in front of him. He starts hitting it repeatedly, with as much power as he can muster, trying to erase his memories from that evening. If only he could give up those memories to the memory demon.

The sound of his punches on the stiff bag resonates through the room. He feels his sweat trickle down his forehead and his knuckles are burning with every hit, but he shows no sign of slowing down.

“Alec,” Alec pauses when he hears the hesitant voice behind him, but cannot turn around to face his sister.

“What do you want, Isabelle.” He grits out with labored breath, his voice straining with the effort to cover any emotion. _You can’t break now. You can’t break now._ He gently closes his eyes.

“...you’re going to hurt yourself. You need to stop.”

“Or you could just leave me _alone._ ”

Alec winces at his own words. He never means to snap at Izzy; he knows she’s only looking out for him, but he can feel the dark monster inside of him as it begins to creep up from deep down where he keeps it at bay. Stronger than any demon he had ever faced.

“........fine. I’m going to bed. But Alec…? I hope you know that you have nothing to feel bad about.”

Her words are gentle, and Alec knows she means it. As he hears her footsteps leave the dark training room, he lets out a deep breath that he didn’t realize he was holding. He lets out a guttural yell as he hits the punching bag again. Alec knows he was the reason they failed the mission; they couldn’t retrieve Clary’s memories because of him. He had failed his family and put Jace’s life in danger. He lands a right hook to the bag, and with each blow, moments from the evening flash through his head.

The rest of the evening after meeting Magnus was a bit of a blur to Alec. Until the memory demon. He vaguely remembered the shameless flirting - though he is far too naive to recognize it as such in the moment. The stolen glances, the pointed comments. A part of Alec wished he could hold on to it all. Magnus had a way of making it feel so… normal. Breaking down the fear Alec had built up over the years. Bringing a hesitant smile out of him with every word.

“ _Pretty boy_ ,” he said, “ _I’m talking about_ you.” 

He almost believed it, too. That he was _normal_ . As if something he had not let himself dare to even dream could come true. That he could live the life that was meant for him, while being _him_. Power, respect, love, and perhaps eventually a family…

A jab to the punching bag finally breaks the skin on his knuckle. It only makes Alec hit the bag harder. The sounds of his labored breath and the dull strikes to the punching bag cut through air in the otherwise silent room.

What Alec clearly remembers from the night is the shame and the embarrassment. The jolt he felt when he took Magnus’ hand, he could blame that on the bond they initiated to summon the demon. But when the demon demanded a memory of Jace… had Jace seen it? Did he know what it meant?

“Nothing!! It, meant, _nothing_!!” Alec hissed, punctuating each word with a punch. He can see he is getting blood on the punching bag, and he pauses, taking a moment to calm his breathing. He rests his forehead on the bag.

“ _There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Alec._ ” He hears Magnus’ gentle voice ringing in his ears. Alec almost believed him. If Magnus, with the smiles and the charming words and those eyes, says so, then maybe…

He gives the punching bag one last jab. He knows he has grown through worse before.

* * *

**2\. At seventeen, I was alright**

“Alec! Come on, let’s show the others how it’s done!”

Alec feels his heart flip at the voice. New York’s heavy summer heat permeates through the training room, and as he looks up to face Jace, he focuses his energy on dulling his emotions so as to not feel the skip of his heartbeat, the faint blush that rises up to his cheeks, the ticklish tinge he feels in his gut.

Jace looks beautiful. His skin glistening with sweat, blonde hair illuminated by the sunlight with some errant strands sticking to his forehead (something about Jace makes even that look like they’ve been placed there purposefully), and mismatched eyes narrowed in (without doubt) some sort of mischief. Alec instinctively swallows at the sight.

Up until a couple of years ago, he could pretend it was familial. That his feelings of care and adoration was nothing more than love and respect for a peer and a brother. Once it became obvious to Alec that the adoration was more akin to attraction, it scared him just as much as it relieved him. He understood now why, while his peers were eagerly discussing “who was crushing on who,” or “who got to which base with which girl,” he could not even begin to imagine himself taking part in these conversations. He was not devoid of emotion or attraction; the target of his attraction just happened to be… not girls. However when Alec realized that the target of his attraction happened to specifically be _Jace_ , who was often the subject of these conversations, he could not bear to think of how Jace may react if he ever found out. 

_What if Izzy found out…? Or my_ parents.

Alec shudders at the thought. Being of the Lightwood family, Alec grew up knowing he had a reputation to uphold. Part of that was marrying into a respectable family, and having children to carry on the Lightwood name. His trailing thoughts of Jace do not fit into that mold his family has created. He winces; a cookie cutter family, white picket fence and all. Kids, he knew he had always wanted. He’d always been good with children, and had often envisioned having a few of his own. He had also always envisioned having that with someone by his side. While it would be a lie to say he never indulged in daydreaming that this someone may be Jace, those daydreams never felt quite right. He knew Jace was never going to see him more than what he is now — his brother and best friend. Gently, Alec shakes his head; what’s the use? Ultimately Alec knows that this faceless person he secretly yearned for, was like holding on to a pipe dream. He is a Lightwood. He has a future expected of him, and whatever attraction to… "not girls" that was growing within him was not part of that future.

“Alec! Come on! What’s the hold up?”

Jace’s playful voice brings Alec out of his stupor. He looks over to see those mischievous eyes, and takes in a breath; no one needs to know. He feels his heart clench tightly in his chest. No one can take this away from him. Those eyes, that cocky smirk, that ringing voice that calls his name; those are all his. His soon-to-be parabatai; they will be connected to each other through their runes, on a level deeper than he could ever hope for. What more could Alec want? He’s still only seventeen, and the future is years away.

“Nothing,” Alec manages to breath out a response, “I’m alright. I’ll be right over.”

* * *

**3\. Time to show your worth, child**

_“Emotions are never black and white. They’re more like… symptoms.”_

Magnus is staring at him, and Alec can’t breathe.

* * *

When Alec had thought he was in love with Jace, he found a warped sense of comfort in the fact that it was something he could never have. In some ways, it was easier to accept, knowing exactly where he stands in Jace’s life. While it was frustrating to see how increasingly enamored he was getting with Clary Fairchild, it also helped to keep any fantastical hopes at bay.

Magnus, however, is a completely different story. Magnus flirts shamelessly, his candid expressions of his thoughts and feelings stab at every boundary Alec has carefully constructed over the years, and Alec finds himself _yearning_ for something that he never allowed himself to even dream of. He almost wishes he had never met the warlock. At least then he could live in the blissful ignorance of his “repressed soul” (as Izzy would jokingly call it), without the knowledge that someone like Magnus Bane (magnetic, colorful, magical Magnus Bane) would ever give someone like him a second thought.

* * *

If only he had never met Magnus, then it wouldn’t have hurt so much when he realized that marrying Lydia will bring him one, giant step closer to fulfilling his purpose outlined for him since birth.

 _“Maybe you should start living for yourself,”_ Magnus suggested, as if posing a question, _“do what’s in your heart.”_

But what if his heart was tearing him in multiple directions? He knew better than to let his emotions guide him. They were always just… _wrong_. Emotions were nothing but a distraction. Afterall, his feelings for Jace was what led to his rift with his parabatai, which had almost ruined their bond. He should have learned his lesson about letting his emotions cloud his judgement years ago, but Magnus made it so damn difficult to think clearly around him.

When Alec found out his parents had been lying to him his whole life, he saw the urgency of taking the next step, along with the extent that he has to go to restore his family name.

* * *

But Magnus kept _pushing._

 _“Emotions are never black and white. They’re more like… symptoms.”_ He pondered, while walking up to Alec, peering up at him through his eyelashes with his soft brown eyes. Magnus flashed the wispy blues of his magic to show Alec what he already saw -- he never needed magic to know the effect the man has on him.

_“I know you feel what I feel, Alec.”_

The pleading tone sounded so wrong coming from the usually confident High Warlock of Brooklyn. Alec closed his eyes and took a deep breath, reminding himself of what he needed to do.

_“This is all just a game to you, isn’t it. You flirt, you laugh, you use magic. But at the end of the day… what do you risk?”_

Magnus looked at him with so much pain in his eyes, and it took every bit of Alec’s restraint not to take him in his arms; to apologize and beg him for forgiveness. Because there’s a voice in the back of Alec’s head that continues to whisper at him, “ _there will never be another man like Magnus Bane,_ ” and he knew he was letting go of something that his heart had always been curious about, and only now learning to ache for. But the siren in his brain waking up the dark monster that lives within him was louder, and the monster is always there to remind his host that _love_ is not something that Alec can have. The now-familiar red, hot shame that bubbled up in his gut is what made him spit out his next words.

 _“Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you?”_ Alec paused for a moment, but continued before his heart let him stop, “ _I have to do what’s right for me. I could lose my family, my career,_ everything. _You just don’t get it!”_

The rest spilled out uncontrollably, and he couldn’t seem to stop himself even as he felt regret creating a pit in his stomach.

* * *

_“I have to ask, man.”_ Jace’s voice was gentle, most likely in an attempt to keep the peace after just reconciling at the start of his “bachelor party” (which had simply become Alec and Jace catching up on the weeks they missed, and reinforcing their bond). 

_“What about… Magnus?”_

The question was hesitant, and Alec carefully honed in his expression, trying not to relay any of his conflicting thoughts.

_“What about Magnus?”_

_“It’s just… I can feel how unhappy you are, I’m your parabatai. You don’t seem like a guy who’s excited about his upcoming wedding, is all.”_

_“...and what does Magnus have to do with that? He’s… he’s a…”_ he ran his hands roughly through his hair with a frustrated groan, _“it doesn’t matter, Jace. This is a good union. Marrying Lydia will be good for the family.”_

Jace’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Alec, his lips pursed in a thin line and his head cocked slightly to the side. That familiar, ugly feeling flared up in Alec’s gut when he detected something that looks a lot like pity in his eyes. After a brief, tense silence, Jace opened his mouth again,

_“Listen, I’ll have your back no matter what. I just want you to be happy, that’s all. And you have a tendency to let your heart break over stubborn shit as long as you think it’s for the right cause.”_

Alec felt Jace’s strong hand pat him on his shoulder. In that moment, he felt annoyed by the strength of the rune that betrayed his feelings, and wished that Jace didn’t have so much access to his emotions.

 _“You and me both, brother.”_ He managed to huff out with a laugh, but he doesn’t think he quite managed the lightness he aimed for.

* * *

The last thing Alec expects was for Magnus to show up at his wedding. But he is here, he is staring at Alec, and Alec can’t breathe.

_“You have a choice to make… I will not ask again.”_

True to his word, Magnus doesn’t ask; he doesn’t say a word, and it’s time for Alec to make his choice.

“Alec… Hey,” 

His eyes dart over to Lydia, who is looking at him expectantly — what she expects is unclear, but her gaze is tender with a hint of vulnerability. In that moment he feels the wrongness of it all settle deep throughout his body. It cracks the thinning wall that he built around his heart.

“It’s… I… I can’t breathe,” are the only words he can manage in the moment.

“I know. It’s okay.” She shakes her head. Her eyes prompt him to continue at his own pace, to take his time and find his words.

“I can’t do this.” Lydia looks slightly taken aback, but not surprised. “I thought we were doing the right thing, but… this isn’t it.”

“You don’t have to explain,” she insists hastily, finding her smile once again.

“Lydia, I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” she cups his cheek. The warmth of her hand emphasizing the sincerity of her words, “you deserve to be happy. Okay…? I’ll be fine.” Alec hears her voice crack slightly, but somehow he knows that she is thinking of her lost love as she sends Alec to the possibility of his new one.

He turns to look toward the room; he lets his eyes shift nervously around at the crowd, looking at him like he’s grown an extra head. He feels an uncomfortable sheen of sweat coat his back as he thinks of what he’s about to do. But then his eyes find Magnus, who has not let his gaze falter, and he takes a step forward.

And he’s hoping this’ll be right. Finally.

It’s time for him to show his worth.

* * *

**4\. You could be my armour then**

“To us.”

The sip of his drink doesn’t affect Alec as strongly as it used to. It’s become a thing for the two of them. They spend more evenings together than not, as long as Alec isn’t on mission. They drink in each other’s company, and are eager to learn more about each other than they thought possible. Alec, for one, never ceases to be amazed at what Magnus manages to pull out of him. He’s a master conversationalist, weaving questions and prompts into his entertaining stories; effortlessly opening Alec up in ways that no one else quite manages to do (not even his siblings). He also has the unrivaled ability to make Alec _laugh._ The first time it happened in front of his team, Clary had looked at him like a Shax demon on roller skates and Jace seemed to choke on a snicker. Not to mention Izzy’s amused eyes, which he doesn’t think he can forget anytime soon. But when he tried to cover it up with a cough (it was undoubtedly too late to cover it up with a cough, but Alec was desperate to escape with his dignity intact), he caught a glimpse of Magnus beaming at him with such unabashed adoration, that it took everything in him just to keep the unconvincing scowl on his face.

Today, they’ve returned from a quick trip to Barcelona. Magnus portalled them into Casa Batlló after it had closed and gave him a personal tour (“ _Gaudi was a visionary, but I helped introduce color into his designs.”_ Magnus points out the delicate purple and blue tiles lining the walls. _“Although I do think he got a little over excited with the Parc Güell,_ ” he grumbled with a small grimace). Alec can still feel his cheeks hurt from spending the day laughing through Magnus’ stories, and their giddiness still permeates the air as they sit down on Magnus’ couch with their drinks in hand. Magnus settles easily under Alec’s arm that he has outstretched on the back of the couch. He snaps, filling the loft with soft music, and snuggles closer into Alec’s warmth. Alec feels a tingle rise up within him, and he can’t suppress a small shiver at the feel of Magnus’ body pressed up against his own. But when the shiver passes, he feels his body tense against his own will. A sudden cold sensation overtakes him, like he’s being doused with a bucket of ice, and the giddiness immediately dissipates. A mild panic brewing in its wake.

It has been a slow process for Alec to fully accept this new part of his life. For as much joy that it has brought him, the gut-wrenching shame has become his near-constant companion over the years.

“Earth to Alexander.”

Along with a chaste peck on his jaw, Magnus’ teasing voice cuts through the fog taking over his head. His eyes are soft with understanding like they always are when he sees Alec retreat deep under back into a place of hurt. The faint smile that graced his beautiful face gets replaced by a creased brow, “is everything okay, darling?”

“What? Yeah. Uh, fine, I’m fine. I’m… great.” Alec cringes at how unconvincing he sounds and tries to look away, but Magnus huffs out a dissatisfied sigh before tilting Alec’s face towards him with a push of his finger on his jaw.

“Alexander, all I want, is to help you kill all that hurt you’ve been harboring over the years.”

His voice is determined and protective, but Magnus won’t push. Alec knows the ball is in his court, and that Magnus will wait until he is ready — that’s what makes Alec want to try. The grounded sincerity of Magnus’ words, feeling like an armor that will keep Alec safe.

“I… I just, sometimes I still need to remind myself that this, us… that _I’m_ okay.” He struggles to find the words, but he knows that Magnus will accept whatever he can manage. “It feels so… _natural_ to have you in my arms, like this. It still scares me sometimes, I guess.”

Magnus hums in understanding.

“The nephilim can be so… rigid in their traditions,” he adds with a slight roll of his eyes. Alec can’t help the scoff that falls through his lips.

“That’s one way to put it.”

The warlock widens his eyes in clear amusement, “ _the_ Alexander Lightwood, speaking a negative word against the Clave? What a horrible influence I must be.” His mock horror softens Alec’s laugh.

“Oh, the absolute worst” he retorts, and drops a quick kiss on Magnus’ temple. Magnus lets out a small chuckle and leans his head onto Alec’s broad shoulders. Alec’s body releases some tension with a sigh – grateful that Magnus doesn’t push the topic for now.

He pauses for a moment to take it all in; the colors in Magnus’ hair (red and orange today), his ears - adorned with a silver cuff (that Magnus fidgets with when he’s nervous) and several studs, the soft brown of his eyes and the neatly winged eyeliner to frame it, the glitter that illuminates his eyelids (eye shadow. Alec’s brain helpfully supplies) as well as his tall cheekbones (...highlighter? Alec’s brain is less certain on this one), and finally his lips, which are currently tilted up in a small smirk. His lips are without doubt one of Alec’s favorite features of Magnus’. He loves the words that come out of them (they can be sharp with wit, rife with flirtatious innuendo, or gentle with care and fondness. Alec will take them in any which way), the way they curve into a smile, the way they feel when he kisses them…

He realizes with a start that he must have been staring longer than he thought because Magnus can’t seem to stifle his laughter.

“If you’re so hungry for them, by all means, they’re all yours.” He tilts his chin up for a kiss, and Alec obliges.

Everything seems to fall into place.

* * *

**5\. I still love you, always**

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry Magnus. I love you.”

Alec can’t help the tremor in his voice, unsure of what else to say to the warlock shaking quietly in his arms. It has been a couple of months since their return from Edom and their subsequent wedding, and while it did not happen often, Alec occasionally got glimpses into the damage his deal with Asmodeus had caused in his relationship.

 _“I know about the deal… and why you did what you did. It’s… it’s okay, I don’t,”_ Alec had kissed him before he could say anything else, missing the feel of Magnus’ lips on his own. It felt like coming home, even as the world had been burning down behind them. He never doubted Magnus when he said it was okay, that he understood. He still doesn’t doubt it. But that doesn’t mean that his abandonment in Magnus’ dire time of need didn’t leave a dent in their trust. Throughout their relationship, Magnus had always been patient and understanding while he caught up; always trusting in the strength of their relationship when Alec couldn’t. It cut deep the first time Alec realized that his actions, regardless of the intent, had caused Magnus such heartbreak.

In reality, Alec never thought he could be the cause of such pain, even after everything they had been through, and everything that Magnus had shared with him, there was still a part of him that couldn’t help but feel he was just a fleeting moment in Magnus Bane’s long life. He knows better, now. He doesn’t want to imagine where he would be if Magnus had gone through with erasing all of their memories. He shudders at the thought and strengthens his hold on his husband as he feels his voiceless sobs against his shoulder. If he looks down now, he knows he’ll see his shirt tear stained and his gut twists in pain. His warlock rarely displays such raw emotions, and now he knows what it means for him to be privy to these moments. He carefully unravels one arm to pull the soft, silk covers over Magnus’ exposed shoulder. Rubbing it tenderly as if his shivers were caused by the cold.

“I’m so sorry… I love you. I still love you… always.”

He whispers into Magnus’ ear like a promise. He doesn’t know what to say, but he knows not to stop. Letting his earnest voice wash over the warlock.

“If you run away, I’ll understand,” Alec can sense Magnus tense in his arm, his breath hitches where he is nestled in Alec’s shoulder. “I’ll understand, but I’ll go after you. I’ll never stop fighting for you. Never again.”

With one hand, Alec rubs gentle circles into Magnus’ back, using his other hand to brush through his hair, which is soft without any product or color. Another vulnerability of Magnus’ that Alec now knows as an indicator of his feelings for him. He kisses the top of his head.

“I’ll never let anything crack and break us. Our paths are one.”

He drops another kiss to Magnus’ temple, and he hears the soft exhale as Magnus relaxes in his hold. The hand that was playing with his hair drops down to cup his cheek, still wet from silent tears. Alec lifts his face so that he can stare into his husband’s unglamored cat eyes. He feels his heart skip a beat; it always does when he sees Magnus bare his warlock mark – such beauty and vulnerability… and love, all reflected in those golden eyes. He narrows his eyes in what he hopes is a reaffirming smile. He thinks he managed when Magnus returns a weak smile his way. Alec leans down to kiss Magnus on his lips. The kiss is tender and unhurried, but Alec pours all of his love into it, as he does with all of his kisses. Magnus is soft and pliant in his arms, soaking up the affection. When their lips part, Alec nuzzles his forehead against Magnus’. Not ready to part quite yet. He startles a little when Magnus finally speaks, his voice just a faint whisper against his lips.

“Just hold me a little bit longer, my love. I’m not ready for this evening to end.”

So Alec does.

* * *

**+1 An evening I will never forget**

Alec hums a little as he half-heartedly stirs the stew bubbling in the pot. He is still nowhere nearly as good in the kitchen as Magnus (although using magic when cooking is cheating, if you ask Alec), but he’s managed to get decent at a few recipes, thanks to the cooking classes that Magnus, Rafe, and Max “gifted” him (read: “forcefully signed him up for”) for Father’s Day that year. That said, he has learned not to obsess too much over measurements, which has dramatically helped with his stress levels while cooking, and it does feel good to be able to cook for his family (without the warlocks not-so-subtly casting spells to fix whatever disaster he had put on the table) every now and then. It meant a lot to Alec that he managed to perfect this stew in particular; thinking back on the night that his mother came to dine with him and Magnus, that night where he saw flickers of his loving, carefree mother resurfacing after years of being hardened by the Clave. It was a recipe that he’s made many times since then for multiple family dinners.

He hears the wind blow raindrops onto the windows. The frigid air of late fall in New York trying and failing to find cracks to enter the Brooklyn loft that Magnus insisted on moving back to once their family grew. It didn’t take much to convince Alec to raise their sons in New York where most of his best memories were made. Alec tsks as he imagines Magnus and the kids coming back in from the wind and the rain. He thinks about getting the bath going, so that the kids can warm up before dinner but immediately gives up on the thought, as there is no way, even with Magnus and Alec’s efforts combined, they would get them bathed and cleaned up before dinner was ready — at least not without either a serious mess or some serious bribing. In moments like these, Alec can appreciate having a warlock husband who will never allow their home to be any temperature but “comfortable,” and who can make sure the kids are dry and warm in no time. He turns to clean the counters while the stew simmers. Magnus insists on using magic to clean up, sometimes letting Max partake in the name of “practice” (which is how they occasionally find measuring cups in their medicine cabinets), but Alec likes doing this the mundane way. He finds it calming and it gives him time to let his mind wander, which is not something that he has a lot of time for in his daily life as the Inquisitor of the Clave. He takes a cloth to wipe down the counters, placing the dirty dishes he finds along the way into the sink.

For some reason, Alec’s mind wanders to his young self. He thinks back to when he was just seventeen, right before his parabatai ceremony. He remembers feeling like he could never have everything he wanted; he was convinced that he was made all wrong. That feeling of resentment lingering until he met Magnus, who entered his life like a storm. This magical being who showed him possibilities that he never knew existed, who inexplicably fought for their relationship time and time again, even when Alec tried to sabotage it with everything he had. Alec turns on the faucet, and starts rinsing a cutting board under the warm water. He goes to grab a soapy sponge as he quiets his mind. There was a time where he could vividly remember the pressure he felt to be perfect in the exact way that was expected of him. Just the thought of it would be enough to raise his heart rate and cause him to break into a sweat. Now the memory feels hazy around the edges. He does, however, remember how stubbornly he held onto his beliefs that pushed him to propose to Lydia. But Magnus had fought for them, and led Alec to happiness that he had never let himself hope for. His eyes soften as he thinks of the adventures that Magnus took him on. The unrestrained laughter, so unlike him, along with the surprisingly tender moments. He remembers fights; weeks spent apart in crushing heartbreak as they struggled to find their ways back to each other. But they always did. The darkness he felt when Magnus lost his magic, and the slow process of rebuilding their trust after Magnus regained that piece of his soul. He realizes that he’s holding on to the sponge with white knuckles, the bubbles from the dishsoap running over his fingers, and he sighs as he consciously loosens his grip. He makes an effort to move on, thinking of his wedding; defeating Lilith and Jonathan, and celebrating with all of his friends and family. He thinks of finding Max, meeting Rafael, and making that decision to take them in; two of the easiest decisions he and Magnus ever had to make. He can feel his body relax at the thought. Knowing the good and the bad brought him to his current life, Alec can’t help but think he wants to remember it all.

“Darling, we’re home!” Magnus’ sing-songy voice pulls him back to reality just as he’s turning off the faucet, and he can’t help the smile that blossoms on his face.

“Daaaaaaddddd!!!!” He feels the force of the small warlock wrapping his arms around his legs before he sees him, and his smile turns into a hearty laugh. He easily scoops Max up into his arms as the child continues to report back all the adventures Rafael, Magnus, and he went on during their outing. Rafe is rolling his eyes as he peels off his coat, but Alec doesn’t miss the fondness in his eyes and the uptick of his mouth.

“It smells delicious in here darling,” Magnus saunters into the kitchen having put away Max’s abandoned coat and boots, “those cooking lessons are clearly paying off.” He says with a chuckle. Alec raises an eyebrow at him in faux indignance as Magnus leans around Max and plants a soft kiss on his lips in greeting.

Alec takes in a shudder of a breath, looking around at his family. Wrinkles form around his eyes as warmth spreads through his heart. The fact that he has this home full of love never ceases to bring him joy, and sometimes he still can’t reconcile it with the monsters of his past. But evenings like these, full of glowing smiles and soft moments, helps the fact settle — this is for real.

It’s for real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it! Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	2. All My Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is a fool’s game, and Magnus wonders if he’s setting himself up for disappointment as he thinks of the jolt of energy that pulsed through him when he took Alec’s hand at the summoning of the memory demon.
> 
> He shakes his head in an effort to dispel the fog of malaise creeping into his mind, and pulls out his phone. Melancholy has never been Magnus’ style, and he knows exactly who to call.
> 
> ***
> 
> Magnus decides to call an old friend when he starts feeling anxious about his developing feelings for Alec.
> 
> Inspired by "All My Friends" by Dermot Kennedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks for those of you who commented and/or left kudos! It meant a lot to me since that was the first I've ever shared my writing with the public :)
> 
> Chapter 2 starts with light angst, but I tried to balance it out with plenty of Magnus & Ragnor fluff. I hope you enjoy!

For a rushed move, the loft is actually pretty cozy.

Magnus lets out a self-congratulatory hum as he drinks in the view from the balcony that the ornate French doors lead to. He takes pleasant note of the tall windows that he knows will flood the room with natural light during the day. The humidity of the day still lingers in the summer air, but the balcony gets a decent breeze, and it’s a comfortable night. The moon, a couple days shy of being full, hangs low in the sky to highlight the cityscape below.

Magnus swirls his martini as he lets his thoughts wander to the events of the evening. Namely, one tall, dark, handsome, and most definitely (adorably) repressed Shadowhunter that seemed to stake claim to a cold corner of his heart that he had neglected for some time. Anyone who knows Magnus knows that he is generally distrustful of the Nephilim, but to say that those uncertain hazel eyes didn’t pique his interest would be disrespectful to that beautiful specimen of a being. He can’t help the grin that spreads on his face as he thinks of how the Shadowhunter - “Alexander,” how Alexander blushed at Magnus’ words, unable to comprehend that he was being _flirted_ with. Which is a shame, as Magnus cannot understand how the other Shadowhunters could sleep on a man who is basically Adonis. Yet another reason for Magnus to question their taste level. But if his sister’s delighted reactions were anything to go by, Magnus believes he may have a chance with the man. He takes a drawn out sip of his martini and sighs.

  
Magnus has had his fair share of partners, and he knows he’s good for a fun time. When he set eyes on Alec at Pandemonium the night that Clary came charging back into his life, Magnus was happy to offer exactly that - a night of pleasure. But what he felt when he finally met Alec today was something entirely different; more like… a craving, and Magnus has hands-on experience on how dangerous craving another being can be. The shift in his train of thought stings like a pinch in his heart.

He looks back up at the moon, whose angle in the sky is now casting an unwelcome spotlight on him; giving him nowhere to hide under its scrutinizing light. The smile that Alec placed on Magnus’ face that stayed with him for most of the night slowly turns into a frown as memories of Camille resurface. The last time he willingly shared his heart with anyone, and what a fool she turned him out to be. Too smart for her own good, and she uses that wit only for her personal benefit. She was once not as selfish, but somewhere along her long life she realized she was someone who people would willingly submit to. Her natural beauty amplified by the allure of the Children of the Night. Magnus had loved her. He promised her the world and she took it without hesitation.

Memories of his former love causes the excitement of the evening to wane ever so slightly, and Magnus feels off-kilter. There’s anger and resentment - it’s only natural - but it’s the bone-deep sadness that overwhelms Magnus when he thinks of his time with Camille. How could someone who he loved so deeply treat him with such cruelty? A question Magnus has never felt ready to answer, scared of what he might find if he digs too far beneath his disdain for the vampire.

Love is a fool’s game, and Magnus wonders if he’s setting himself up for disappointment as he thinks of the jolt of energy that pulsed through him when he took Alec’s hand at the summoning of the memory demon.

He shakes his head in an effort to dispel the fog of malaise creeping into his mind, and pulls out his phone. Melancholy has never been Magnus’ style, and he knows exactly who to call.

  
A grumpy voice answers the call after only two rings (his friend loves him, and no one will ever convince Magnus otherwise).

“What do you want, Magnus.”

“Ah, my dear little cabbage!” Magnus greets him with all the cheer he can muster, “it's lovely to hear your voice.” But Ragnor seems to be in no mood for pleasantries.

“What do you _want_ , Magnus,” he repeats with a tone that could be conceived as bored; Magnus knows better so he rattles on unfazed.

“Truly, Ragnor, is that a way to treat an old friend? I can’t call you without a purpose anymore?”

“Well if I had heard from you at all over the last decade outside of something you wanted for me, perhaps,” his friend retorts, frustration laced throughout his words, but Magnus chooses to power through. He has missed this easy flow of conversation with his friend.

“Has it really been that long? Well, we’ll have to remedy that.”

“Magnus,” Ragnor attempts to interject.

“Maybe a housewarming party. I actually just moved to a new loft. Very cozy - it’ll do you some good to get out of that drab little cottage of yours,”

“Magnus,” he tries again.

“Ooh, we could invite Catarina and Raphael as well. Honestly how long has it been since we’ve had ourselves a little reunio-”

“ _Magnus!_ ” His voice is stern, and Magnus finally stops his rambling. Voice quieting like an admonished child.

“...what is it, my sweet little peapod.”

Ragnor sounds tired, somehow managing to sigh and speak at the same time, “first of all, I am not little, why do you always insist on calling me _little_?”

“It’s a term of endearment!” He huffs out in shock that Ragnor would perceive it as a slight. He tries to keep his tone light, but he can tell the direction the conversation is going, and while it’s the reason he called in the first place, Magnus can’t help the trepidation he feels in disclosing these new feelings (for a _Shadowhunter_ , nonetheless…) to his friend. But the voice that follows is nothing but kind; absent of the sarcasm that came before it.

“Now tell me what’s wrong,” he prompts, “I can hear your mind fretting through the phone.” 

Ragnor knows Magnus better than most, and in that moment Magnus is convinced he called the right person.

“I’m… feeling something. For someone,” he ventures.

“You’ll have to be a little more specific, Magnus.”

“Feelings, like… the first time since Camille. It’s like he’s unlocked something in me.”

There’s silence at the other end of the line, and Magnus feels an intrinsic need to fill it. He starts anxiously pacing around the balcony, the accusatory moonbeam following him with each step. His fingers rise unconsciously to rub at his ear cuff.

“I know it’s ridiculous of me, after all that I went through with Camille! I, I don’t know what got into me. She’s right. He’s mortal, I’m not, and I’m so much better off -”

“Magnus,” Ragnor cuts him off once again, his voice is tinted with sympathy, “you are not Camille.”

His gentle words puncture the tension in the air, and Magnus doesn’t even notice that the strain immediately leaves his shoulders. He breathes a bit easier, stops pacing, and takes another sip of his drink. He sighs into the phone, unable to find any words for once.

“Look at everything you learned from that experience.”

“That I was a fool in love?”

(He learned that there was beauty that he couldn’t keep, no matter how much he wanted to.)

“That you have a generous heart and so much to give to the right person.”

“But can’t seem to see the wrong when it’s waving a bright red flag in my face?”

(He learned that even love stories could have demons, far more dangerous than the demons he knew.)

“Well you saw it eventually.”

“I kept letting her come back.”

(He learned that they could be seething with anger, even when _they_ called _you_ , even when they _wanted you_.)

“Until you didn’t.”

“But I don’t want to put you, or anyone through that again. I was a miserable friend.”

(He learned that all his friends are angels, and that he didn’t deserve them.)

The final thought almost spills over, out of his mind and into the phone, but Magnus doesn’t need to say them out loud to know that Ragnor would deny those claims with sadness in his voice.

“All your friends want is to see you happy, Magnus. If this Shadowhunter might be your chance at happiness, then you owe it to yourself to at least explore that possibility.”

Magnus lets Ragnor’s words sink in for a bit, letting them echo in his mind like he’s savoring it. He puts his glass to his lips again, but doesn’t take a sip.

“...You are so wise for a cabbage. Do you know that, Ragnor?”

“Perhaps it’s because I am not a cabbage.”

“Peapod?”

“Not a vegetable,” he responds, unamused.

“You should see him - Alexander.” Feeling a little more like himself again, Magnus brings the conversation back to the subject that started it all, “he’s quite possibly the most beautiful man I’ve ever met. Tall, lithe, but with solid muscle. You know how the Shadowhunters are. They train well. Oh and his _eyes_...”

“This is very quickly devolving into the ‘I don’t want to know’ category.”

“...and he’s just so _repressed_!”

“We’re all repressed compared to you,” Ragnor doesn’t miss a beat.

“Hey!”

He tries to feign offense but can’t pull it off. Magnus starts laughing, and Ragnor’s carefree chuckles follow.

"Now don't scare off the poor boy, Magnus."

"Me? Never."

"..."

"Okay, fine. But also I don't _want_ to scare him away!"

Magnus doesn’t bother to hide his insecurity, knowing Ragnor will pick up on it regardless. 

“Don’t worry yourself so soon after meeting him. If he cannot accept all that you are, then he simply doesn’t deserve you, my friend.”

Ragnor’s words grip tight on Magnus’ heart, spreading warmth. They’re Ragnor’s denial to his previous thoughts, as if he sensed them through his silence. Perhaps he did — his friend had an uncanny talent to pick up on what went through Magnus’ mind (for better or for worse).

“I’m sorry I called in such a state,” Magnus apologizes with a rare uneasiness.

“I am not,” Ragnor replies easily, “I have no doubt we’ll eventually come to reminisce and smile off this memory as well.”

“You truly give the best advice. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Indeed,” Ragnor agrees matter-of-factly, “but I’m sure eventually you’ll find your way as you always do,” he adds.

“Let's hope I never have to find out," Magnus responds with a smile. "Well, I’ll be sending you a fire message with the details of the housewarming, then.”

“Do not use a fire message to invite me to one of your superfluous parties."

“You love my parties.” The gasp that escapes Magnus is genuine, finding Ragnor’s scorn for his parties rather offensive.

“The last party you made me attend was a birthday party for your _cat_ , and the fire message said it was an _emergency_!”

“Well, it was. It was The Chairman’s first birthday”

“I am hanging up, Magnus.”

“Oh, alright, Ragnor,” Magnus laments, “but I will see you soon. It really has been too long.”

“I look forward to it.”

Magnus can hear the fondness in Ragnor’s words right before he hangs up. He puts away his phone and takes a deep, steadying breath. Talking to Ragnor was the right call, he nods to himself - his hyperactive mind subdued for now. He didn’t realize until he heard his voice how much he missed the former High Warlock of London. Magnus tends to rely too heavily on their immortality, letting too many years pass between seeing his old friends. He makes a mental note to go visit Ragnor in person soon (even if it meant spending time in that god-awful cottage of his).

He walks up to the balcony railing and leans on it. This time when he looks up at the moon, he doesn’t think of Camille and the Night Children. He’s reminded of the moonlight-pale, luminescent skin of Alec Lightwood. Alec, who had made him feel something for the first time in almost a century. In one evening, he managed to put his mind so out of sorts that Magnus had to seek out the comforting voice of his oldest friend.

From what Magnus saw today, Alec is not out of the closet, looking almost fearful of letting someone see his true desires that he’s worked so hard to hide. Magnus mumbles a curse at the reminder of the archaic Nephilim society that made Alec feel he was anything but perfect. But he is happy to let Alec set the pace if it means getting to explore that electricity he felt. He just needs to figure out a way to see him again without intimidating him, with Alec clearly not as experienced as Magnus is. A delicate balance, but he’s always loved a challenge.

His mind is filled with an unfamiliar, but not unpleasant, chaos; something he feels like he was missing. The tip of his lips curl up once he recognizes what it is. He should know better after everything, that hope is foolish. But as he gazes up to the almost full moon, he thinks of his Alexander ( _not his…_ Magnus always had a tendency to get ahead of himself) and he can’t deny the hopefulness that fills his heart.

And just like that, the moonlight no longer chases him into the shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Magnus and Ragnor's friendship, and I really wish we could have seen more in the show.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter - kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	3. Power Over Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Cause then I'm outrunning the dark  
> That's all that love ever taught me
> 
> ***
> 
> Alec has a revelation, and he’s starting to figure out what it might mean.
> 
> Inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s “Power Over Me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I’m so glad to know that people are enjoying the chapters so far, and I’m grateful for every comment and kudos left. Thank you again!  
> I had some trouble with this chapter, but got to a point where I just needed to post it (otherwise I’d be editing and rewriting bits and pieces of it forever…), so here it is! I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> For some context, this chapter takes place somewhere between season 2 episodes 7 and 10, between Malec’s first time and first I love yous.

“Shit!” Alec grits out when he sees the time, “I have to get to the Institute.”

He clumsily attempts to untangle himself from the bedsheets, the Shadowhunter grace lost somewhere in his still-only-half-awake frenzy. Magnus rolls over lazily, draping an arm over Alec’s chest and letting his fingers graze over his deflect rune. Though Magnus has never said it out loud, Alec can tell that he’s partial to the rune adorning his neck.

“Is this a real ‘I need to be at the institute’ or another one of your jokes?” He drawls as he regards Alec with an affectionate sparkle in his eyes. The soft sunlight reflects off the gold and red interior, casting the room in a warm yellow. It brings out gold speckles at the edges of his irises in a way that reminds Alec of his warlock mark. The alluring thought of Magnus’ unglamored cat-eyes makes him think twice about leaving the bed, but he sighs when he sees the time again.

“Unfortunately it’s the ‘I have a meeting to attend in 45 minutes’ kind,” Alec grumbles as he drags Magnus’ arm off of himself and rolls out of bed to look for his shirt. Magnus lets out a groan of disapproval and Alec can’t suppress the smile that rises to his face.

“I wish I could stay, but I’m going to be late,” he says, his voice apologetic. He leans far over the bed to give his boyfriend a quick peck. Magnus reaches out to wrap his arms around Alec’s neck, trying to stretch the moment out, but Alec draws back before he has a chance. “Ah, ah, not today.”

“Fine,” Magnus says with a pout, “but at least stay for breakfast. I’ll conjure something up and I can make a portal to the Institute once we finish eating.” He has a grip on Alec’s wrist, as if he’s scared that Alec will walk out on him if he lets go.

This aspect of their relationship is still relatively new, but Alec’s noticed how Magnus can seem wary when they wake up together in the mornings. He thinks back on how Magnus confessed to feeling vulnerable; Alec had brushed it off, thinking he was saying that to be sure Alec was fully on board (knowing it was his first time, and without doubt sensing his nerves). But after a few times, Alec wonders if it’s something more; he knows he still has so much to learn about his warlock boyfriend.

“Sure,” Alec agrees easily, “thank you, Magnus.”

Magnus breaks into a tentative smile and he finally gets out of bed, wrapping himself up in a silky maroon robe.

“Well, off to the showers with you! I’ll start preparing breakfast and coffee.” He pats Alec’s cheek lightly twice and saunters off, leaving Alec to head to the en suite bathroom.

When Alec makes his way to the dining area after a quick shower, Magnus already has a breakfast platter laid out - complete with a piping hot Americano in a to-go cup that he can bring with him back to the Institute. He kisses Magnus’ cheek as he gives thanks, and they sit down to eat. The conversation flows easy as it always does, but he can’t help but feel Magnus is a little guarded. Perhaps it’s the lack of flirtatious banter that he had gotten surprisingly accustomed to. He almost blushes at the fact that he _misses_ Magnus’ bold words. A twinge of embarrassment pinches at his gut at this thought, and he has to release a long, controlled breath to stop it from taking over. He needs to be at the institute in 20 min, and he doesn’t need a fucking panic attack to ruin his morning (and make him late). _There’s nothing wrong with wanting affection from your boyfriend_ , he reminds himself as he takes another deep breath.

Once Alec feels the panic abate, he places his hand on Magnus’, hoping that his momentary turmoil hasn’t made them feel clammy, “...is everything okay?” 

“Hm? Yes, just fine, darling. Nothing to worry about.” Thankfully Magnus doesn’t seem to think so, interlacing his fingers in Alec’s with practiced ease. “Just worried about you - Valentine on the loose with the Soul Sword and all.” He dismisses Alec’s concern with a wave of his hand, but it isn’t as convincing as he wants it to be. The need to dig deeper tugs at Alec’s mind, but he has a meeting to get to and he can still feel the edges of panic lingering below the surface of his thoughts, so he drops it for now.

Once they finish their rushed breakfast and Magnus magics away the dirty dishes and leftovers, Alec gathers his belongings and gets ready to head out. “Thanks again for the portal.”

“Thank you for staying for breakfast,” Magnus replies softly.

“I’ll see you tonight after patrols?”

“Looking forward to it.” There’s nothing wrong with the words, but Alec can’t shake the feeling that they ring empty.

“Magnus.” He grabs his boyfriend’s hand, feeling like he was losing the warlock to some far away thought. Hoping that his grip would ground him. “You know you can call me if you need me, right?”

Magnus’ eyes dart down to where Alec has a strong hold on his hand and wrinkles the corners of his eyes as he looks back up - Alec notes that the smile doesn’t seem to reach his eyes.

“Don’t worry your pretty head. I can handle myself just fine,” Magnus retorts, like he doesn’t quite believe him, and something inside Alec twists at that thought. His body moves on its own when he winds his arm around Magnus’ waist - he feels his boyfriend’s surprise as he tenses for a moment, but he relaxes again when Alec presses his lips on Magnus’. He pulls him closer, until they're flush against each other. The kiss starts gentle, but Alec wants, _needs_ , to make sure Magnus knows. He lets his tongue flick over Magnus’ lips, requesting entry, which Magnus easily grants. He angles his head to deepen the kiss, encouraged by Magnus’ stifled moan against his mouth. Magnus curls one hand on Alec’s neck, the other gripping tightly at the hem of his shirt. Alec channels all of his emotions into the kiss, hoping to get his message across.

When they finally part, they’re close enough that Alec thinks he can feel Magnus’ rapid heartbeat (or maybe it’s his own, he can’t tell anymore), and is overcome with an unfamiliar feeling when it dawns on him that _he_ caused the uptick in his heart rate. He cups the back of Magnus’ head, and pulls him in for a tight hug.

“I know you can, but you don’t always have to,” he all but whispers into his ear. His voice still breathy from their kiss. “Call, and I’ll be here.”

“...I know, Alexander. Thank you.” Magnus’ response is barely audible. He leans against Alec’s tall body, tucking his face into the nook under his jaw and nuzzling at his neck. He plants a soft kiss on his deflect rune. A tender action, full of affection. “Don’t forget your coffee, darling.” He holds out the cup as he steps away. He’s smiling, and his eyes are warm and glowing in the sunlight again.

Alec feels a shiver run up his spine and he drops a kiss on Magnus’ forehead before he grabs the coffee cup and steps through the portal.

* * *

Alec already knows what Jace wants to ask him when he sees him eyeing Alec with a cocky smirk on his face. It’s 8am, and he’s just entered the comm room, barely on time for the morning report. Alec is never “barely on time”. He wants to offer a warning, something that would preemptively get Jace off his back, but he knows it's futile. He’s Alec’s parabatai, and there’s no hiding anything from him. Not to mention that Jace had purposefully made plans to stay away from the loft the night before, knowing that Alec was going to be there. He chugs the remainder of his coffee in preparation to deal with the nosy questions (most likely not just from Jace) and hastily tosses the cup into the trash.

“Late night?” Jace’s voice is teasing.

“Shut up, Jace,” Alec responds, rolling his eyes, ears flushing to a light shade of pink. He knows it isn’t a denial and that Jace will catch on to that fact, but he can’t help it. His stoic mask falters for a moment; it’s quick, but he knows that Jace caught the smile that tried to escape his ironclad control.

“Whatever you say, man,” he says, looking thoroughly amused by Alec’s discomfort. Alec gives him another quick eye roll and turns to focus on the announcements.

As soon as the meeting wraps up, the crowd disperses to get to their own tasks. Alec manages to avoid another teasing from Jace, and is heading towards the arsenal to check in on some repairs he had asked for his bow when Izzy comes trotting up beside him.

“Hey big bro,” she greets him lightheartedly, “missed you at breakfast this morning.”

Alec barely suppresses his groan, “not you, too, Izzy.” He tries to think about anything but what Izzy might bring up to avoid the blush that he feels creeping up his neck. “Jace won’t stop pointing that shit-eating grin at me, like he thinks he knows something that I don’t.”

“Does he?” Izzy looks up at him carefully. Alec had noticed his sister hasn’t been seeming like her usual self recently, but her eyes seem to be a bit brighter today. He can sense that she has something she wants to say.

“Like what, Izzy?” He tries not to sound annoyed. He can, admittedly, be too stubborn to listen to others when it comes to certain topics (“feelings” being at the top of the list), and Izzy knows that Alec has to reach some conclusions on his own.

“You just seem… happier, Alec. I’m sure Jace can sense it through the parabatai rune. I can see it clear as day,” she continues, gently resting her hand on his elbow. They’ve slowed their pace, walking side by side now. 

“You’re more relaxed, but also more focused. In a way where you’re still… clear headed.” Alec can hear the hesitation as Izzy tries to find the right words, but he knows exactly what she’s talking about.

Too many times, Izzy has caught Alec in the training room alone.

“Right,” he replies gruffly, but his tone isn’t unkind. Izzy lets out a content hum.

“We’re just happy for you, Alec,” she adds, “I promised to meet Clary in the training room. I’ll see you later.” She leans up to kiss his cheek and leaves him in the quiet hallway. 

Alec stands there for a second to think about the interaction before he starts walking again, his pace still slow even though he’s alone now. He knows they’re right. He _is_ happier. 

He hasn’t experienced as much of the desperate need for the training room since being with Magnus. There were still moments that caught him off guard; when he felt the churn in his stomach - the familiar feeling of breaking out in a sweat, being unable to breathe. His heart rate would skyrocket and he would feel the world narrowing down to only what was in front of him. There were days where he’d feel the itch in his hands. Moments like this morning when he _wanted_ Magnus to flirt with him. For so long, he had forced down those feelings that caused the blinding shame to come crawling up from where it lived deep within him. The monster that would envelop him in a darkness that he didn’t know how to escape.

The last time he felt that deep need was after Jocelyn’s death, and even then, he eventually found his way to the loft. He didn’t need to explain himself; Magnus had simply… understood, and gently guided him inside after a while, where they sat on his couch and continued to just, _talk about it_. It had felt cathartic, speaking to him about what happened. He could feel the darkness retreating as he released his thoughts - and Magnus listened, offering rebuttals and reassurances as he saw fit. At one point in the night, Alec had gone quiet mid-sentence. Magnus looked up at him - his eyes tinted with worry.

“ _I’ve never had this,_ ” Alec whispered, eyes wide with wonder, “ _I never knew it could be like this._ ”

Magnus never pushed too hard when Alec encountered his “moments”, always allowing him to share at his own pace. He must have sensed that this was one of those, because he just nodded slowly. His lips had the slightest curl at the tips, and he placed a feather-light kiss to Alec’s cheek. A realization flushed over Alec like a wave.

_He had it backwards._

He had spent years trying to hide away his feelings, convinced that they were releasing his inner demons. But in that moment, when Magnus looked at him with nothing but care in his eyes, Alec knew that those feelings were what would help him outrun the darkness he had been so afraid of. 

Alec steps into the arsenal, pleased to see his repaired bow sitting on the shelf, ready to be picked up.

“It should be all ready for you,” a younger Shadowhunter points out. “We made some changes to the string groove, too, so you may want to play around with it a bit before taking it out on missions.”

Alec nods, and picks up the bow to examine it closely. He wraps his fingers around the grip and pulls the string tight. He releases his hold and watches it emit a quiet hum as it vibrates with the release of tension, eventually slowing to a stop. His thoughts return to Magnus, as they regularly do these days.

He still feels immense pressure to be the best; Alec has always been ambitious, and he is still determined. But knowing some the bigoted traditions of the Clave, he recognizes he has to work twice as hard to prove himself now that he is openly dating a Downworlder. Still, being out and open about who he is and who he’s with has allowed Alec to feel a freedom that he’s never felt before. He feels a strong urge to reach his goals despite the bigotry, and maybe that can mean something.

Alec takes his bow and heads to his room to prepare for the long day ahead of him. An electric feeling buzzing under his skin. It has him slightly on edge, but in more nervous excitement than in anxiety. Maybe he’ll join Izzy and Clary at the training room to test his bow and release some of this energy. He can imagine Izzy’s concerned eyes after this morning’s conversation, but Alec isn’t worried. His head is clear and his demons are at bay. And he rarely needs his iratze after training anymore.

* * *

Alec feels a lightness to his feet even after an exhausting day as he walks up the stairs to the loft (some may describe it as a skip, but no one needs to know). He knocks on the door, though he knows he doesn’t really need to since Magnus can sense him when he enters the wards, and the doors open to let him in.

“Out here, darling,” Magnus calls from the balcony. Alec makes his way outside and settles comfortably by his boyfriend. He gives him a chaste kiss in greeting. The moon is bright and casts a pale shimmer across the balcony; Magnus is beautiful in this light ( _Magnus is always beautiful_ ).

“Would you like a drink?” he conjures up a piña colada. He’s been on a mission to find Alec’s favorite drink, and Alec huffs out a laugh at the elaborate presentation (topped off with a tiny umbrella).

“Really?” He narrows his eyes at the warlock who raises his eyebrows in amusement.

“Don’t knock it till you try it.” Magnus’ smug smile spreads wide on his face and he looks back out to the city. Alec takes a sip of his drink; to his surprise, he finds that he enjoys the sweetness after a long day of patrols (not that he’s ready to admit that to Magnus). When he shifts his gaze back to Magnus, he sees his smile falter a bit in the moonlight.

“I’m sorry about this morning, Alexander,” Magnus sighs.

“Don’t be,” Alec replies with a casual shrug, “you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“It’s just…” He looks up at the moon and shakes his head in frustration, “I guess I’m still getting used to this - after being closed off for so long.”

“I get it.” He doesn’t, but he also doesn’t want to push and he can’t think of anything else to say.

“No, I want you to know.” Magnus’ eyes waver a bit, so Alec places a hand on his arm, hoping it will be the gentle encouragement he intends it to be.

“Camille. When I said we had a lot of history, that almost seems too simple,” his voice quivers as he speaks, “I gave her my heart, and she took everything she could from it… she would cheat and lie, then blame me for it all…”

Alec feels a tight coil wrap around his heart, a jolt of anger flares up within him, but now is not the time. His hand travels up Magnus’ arm, wraps around his shoulder and pulls him in beside him. Not too tight, but close enough that his warmth drapes around Magnus like a blanket.

“The worst part was that she had me believing her,” Magnus spits out like the words bring him physical pain. Alec is all too familiar with that tone. But Magnus collects himself before he can counter the thought and presses forward, “and I know, Alexander, that she was vile and manipulative. That her words were intended to hurt me, rather than relay the truth. But sometimes knowing and feeling are two different things.”

Alec can’t help the sharp exhale, almost a laugh, that escapes him, and Magnus looks up at him with tender eyes. His eyeliner pointing into perfect wings at the tip, the subtle gold shimmer of his eyelids bringing out the gold flecks that shine in the moonlight. In that moment, Alec sees everything he wants in those beautiful eyes, and his breath catches in his throat. Magnus’ eyes dart to the side and he glances up at the moon again.

“The moon used to remind me of her - I suppose they reminded me of the Night Children, which made me think of her.”

“It doesn’t anymore?” Alec asks, voice soft.

“No,” Magnus shakes his head in response, facing Alec again, “no, it doesn’t.” He is beaming at Alec and leans up to press their lips together. The anger in Alec begins to dissipate, replaced by the warm sensation - _happiness_ \- that Magnus so easily shares with him through just a simple touch. It’s nerve wracking, giving one person so much power over him, but it also feels so _right_.

When they part, Alec lets his hand wander further up, playing a little with strands of his boyfriend’s hair (the streaks are purple today).

He knows that he can’t compete with the years that Magnus has shared with Camille, nor can he unravel all of the complex knots that she’s left in her wake with just one conversation. It suddenly occurs to him that Magnus has his own darkness he’s been running from, and Alec can’t imagine how he hadn’t seen that until now. Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn always exudes confidence and self-assurance; but now he sees Magnus Bane, his boyfriend, and Alec wonders if it’s presumptuous of him to believe he’s capable of being for Magnus what Magnus is for him. But Alec wants to try, and a small voice somewhere in the back of his head tells him that he wants to spend as long as he can trying. It was as if Magnus had cast a spell on him (not a new thought that he’s had), took everything he thought he knew about himself, and flipped it on its head. In its wake, Alec senses something beginning to take form within him, something he isn’t quite ready to define.

So instead Alec pulls Magnus in a tiny bit closer, and sips on his piña colada.

“...It’s not half bad,” he grumbles, slightly embarrassed that the one with the umbrella would be a top contender.

“I _knew_ it!” Magnus exclaims. He laughs playfully, and Alec thinks it’s a sound he will never tire of hearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s no such thing as too much Malec being soft, loving boyfriends, if you ask me.  
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are so so SO appreciated if you feel inclined!  
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	4. What Have I Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I never thought I needed saving, I was right where I should be  
> Good God, I know it's dangerous, but it's you that I need  
>   
> ***  
>   
> Magnus has a revelation that’s comforting, terrifying, and exhilarating all wrapped in one.  
> Inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s “What Have I Done”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I’m back from a super busy week - I’m going to try to post at a once a week pace moving forward! I'll generally try to post on Fridays.
> 
> Before we dive in, I just wanted to say that your comments and kudos really make my day. Seeing that you enjoy them makes me glad that I decided to share these chapters, so thank you :)
> 
> I kind of switched things up with this chapter - it depicts the same day as Power Over Me, but from Magnus’ POV.  
> It starts with more insecure Magnus, but it’s the last Camille-centric Magnus narrative in this series, thankfully.

“Shit!” Magnus hears Alec exclaim as he blinks away the last of his sleep, “I have to get to the Institute.”

The soft morning light fills the room with warm shades of yellow and gold, and he looks up at Alec, who is trying to unravel himself from the bedsheets. Without thought (because it just feels like the most natural thing in the world), Magnus stretches an arm across his broad chest and reaches his hand up to trace along Alec’s deflect rune.  _ It’s just asking to be kissed _ , he thinks to himself.

“Is this a real ‘I need to be at the institute’ or another one of your jokes?” He can tell the Shadowhunter’s haste isn’t for nothing, but he can’t help but try to get his boyfriend to stay with him just a tiny bit longer. He smiles at Alec, and for a second Alec just stares into his eyes with an intensity that almost makes Magnus uneasy (“ _ they’re beautiful, _ ” he can’t forget the awe in Alec’s voice from their first night together, and he does a quick check to ensure his eyes are fully glamored), but then Alec catches sight of the time again and lets out a sigh.

“Unfortunately it’s the ‘I have a meeting to attend in 45 minutes’ kind.” All too quickly Alec is off the bed and searching for his shirt. Magnus lets out a sound of discontent, and he pouts as he sees Alec smile at the noise. He tries to mock offense, but Alec starts again.

“I wish I could stay, but I’m going to be late,” he says, as he places a knee on the bed to lean down for a kiss. While it’s still relatively new, Magnus has come to love these soft moments with his boyfriend and doesn’t hesitate to reach out to pull him further back into the bed. But Alec pulls away immediately.

“Ah, ah, not today.”

The rejection ( _ it wasn’t a rejection - he’s just in a hurry _ ) chills Magnus to the core. He manages to control his expression in time for Alec not to notice the shift, but grabs onto his wrist a little too tightly before he can pull away out of reach.

“Fine,” Magnus relents, aiming for lighthearted petulance, “but at least stay for breakfast. I’ll conjure something up and I can make a portal to the Institute once we finish eating.”

Alec’s eyes drop down to where Magnus has a death grip on his wrist (Magnus can’t seem to will his hand to loosen the hold no matter how hard he tries), and smiles easily.

“Sure. Thank you, Magnus.”

Trying not to make a further fool of himself, Magnus quickly sends Alec off to the shower.

Magnus begins mindlessly preparing the table for breakfast. Unable to decide on the right tablecloth, he snaps through red, gold, purple, silver, yellow, and finally lands on a beautiful deep royal blue. The color reminds him of Alec, and he smiles to himself. But almost as soon as the thought crosses his mind, a shrill, unwelcome voice resonates in his head.

_ “Why are you so needy? _ ”

One of Camille’s favorite excuses from their time together. Magnus grimaces at the thought. Anytime Magnus asked about Camille’s erratic behavior, when he asked about her plans for the day, if he tried to initiate physical contact…  _ It wasn’t a rejection - he’s just in a hurry _ . Magnus reminds himself as he recounts the events of the morning. He sighs dramatically and busies himself with conjuring breakfast and an Americano from the coffee shop a block away that Alec seemed to like when they stopped by at the end of a date one time. Thinking he may want to bring it with him back to the Institute, he makes sure it shows up in a to-go cup. As he’s fussing over the placement of everything on the table, Alec steps into the room, smelling deliciously of Magnus’ sandalwood shampoo. Magnus tries to suppress a grin as he feels a pleasant flutter in his chest at the fact. Alec’s eyes flicker with excitement when he sees the spread and he kisses Magnus on the cheek as he takes a seat.

_ See? Everything is just fine _ . Magnus forces himself to relax as he settles into the seat by Alec

He knows he must be a little distracted when Alec takes a deep, deliberate inhale.

_ “Why are you so boring?” _

Camille’s voice rings loud in his head, and Magnus feels his stomach clench. His shoulders hunch up slightly with tension, and he tries to think of something to say -  _ make a joke, apologize, kiss him? No, that went poorly before _ . As the options circle through his mind, he feels a hand on his own.

“...is everything okay?” Alec is looking at him with genuine concern, and Magnus releases the breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Hm? Yes, just fine, darling. Nothing to worry about.”  He intertwines his fingers with Alec’s and gives his hand a light squeeze. “Just worried about you - Valentine on the loose with the Soul Sword and all.” Magnus waves his free hand in an effort to dismiss his concern. He can’t tell if Alec is satisfied by his response, but he nods and goes back to his food -- and he doesn’t let go of Magnus’ hand.

Thanks again for the portal,” Alec says as he checks to make sure he has everything he needs.

“Thank you for staying for breakfast.” Magnus tries not to sound pathetic.

“I’ll see you tonight after patrols?”

“Looking forward to it.” He smiles, but a nagging corner of his brain almost shouts out that he doesn’t need to; that Magnus will be okay if Alec decides he doesn’t want to see him every day.  _ Don’t be ridiculous, he’s offering.  _ Magnus justifies to himself.

“Magnus.” Alec’s hand shoots down to grab Magnus’ - his grip is strong this time, and his brow is creased in worry. Magnus has the urge to reach out and smooth it out, but he can’t seem to move. “You know you can call me if you need me, right?”

Unable to keep eye contact under Alec’s intense gaze, Magnus’ looks down to their hands.

_ Look at what you did. Now he thinks you need him here all the time. Whyareyousoneedy? Soneedy. Whywhywhywhywhy. _ An incessant whisper in his ear.

He tries to smile when he looks up to face him, “don’t worry your pretty head. I can handle myself just fine.” He doesn’t mean for it to sound so sour.

Alec looks pained by his response, but Magnus doesn’t have a chance to ask what’s wrong. The next thing he knows Alec is pulling him tight against him and pressing his lips against Magnus’. The kiss starts gently, but he senses an desperation in Alec as the tip of Alec’s tongue grazes over his lips - he parts them slightly to let him in. Magnus can’t stop the muffled moan he releases into Alec’s mouth; Alec is earnest in everything he does, and his displays of affection are no exception. He puts his all into his actions - honestly and eagerly. So Alec kisses him hungrily, determined to prove his point to Magnus.

When they finally part, they’re so close that Magnus worries Alec can sense his increased heartbeat - it feels so loud in his chest. If he does notice, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, Alec just buries his fingers in his hair and pulls him in for a hug. 

“I know you can, but you don’t always have to,” he whispers, and Magnus can still hear how he’s out of breath from their kiss. A shiver runs up his spine. “Call, and I’ll be here.”

“...I know, Alexander. Thank you,” Magnus manages to mutter from where he’s tucked into Alec’s neck. He sees the deflect rune, still looking perfectly kissable and right in front of him, and this time he allows himself to place a soft kiss on it.  _ Keep him safe,  _ he thinks to himself. He lingers, wanting to stay in Alec’s reaffirming warmth for as long as he can, but eventually steps away, remembering that his Shadowhunter has a meeting to get to.

“Don’t forget your coffee, darling,” he reminds Alec and hands him the cup.

Magnus’ smile is easily managed this time, and Alec beams at him, crinkling his hazel eyes at the edges. The sunlight reflects in them like burning embers, and Magnus thinks he’s never seen a more beautiful smile. Alec drops a kiss on Magnus’ forehead before he grabs his coffee and steps through the portal. His body disappears with a flash, but Magnus still feels his presence in the room. His mouth cracks into a grin as he turns to go about his day.

* * *

Magnus manages to get through the morning without a major catastrophe, but by noon he is bouncing around from one project to another like a bundle of nerves. While Alec’s kiss managed to assuage his fears, thoughts of Camille still has him feeling on-edge.

He’s just cleaning up after an elixir gone wrong (he should have known that vampire venom and werewolf claws wouldn’t mix well, but he was in an experimental mood), when he feels a familiar Warlock’s energy enter his wards. He is already at the door with a delighted smile when she knocks.

“Catarina!” He welcomes her with enthusiasm.

“Magnus! It’s been a while… are you okay?” Her smile turns wary as she senses Magnus’ nervous energy that seems to permeate throughout the loft.

“Wow,” Magnus scoffs in faux offense, “what a way to greet an old friend. How can I help you today?” He lets her into the loft as she snickers at their easy banter.

“I’m out of Sealie dust and was wondering if you had some to spare,” she says, eyeing him suspiciously. Magnus notes that his friend hasn’t given up on figuring out what’s gotten him so keyed up.

“You know, I actually have an extra bag I got in a trade with an intoxicated werewolf who had won it in a bet at some undergro-”

“Sure, cool, thanks. So… want to talk about it?” Catarina interrupts Magnus’ (what was no doubt about to become a) long-winded story, and brings him back to the present.

He begins to lead her toward his apothecary and shakes his head, “it’s nothing. I’ve just… I had a strange morning. Alexander was here, and,”

“Ah,” she interjects, “I hear that boy has it bad for you.” Her lips pulling up into a knowing smirk.

Magnus knew that their relationship, starting as publicly as it did, has been the talk of the town, but he didn’t expect how much his love life has turned into gossip fodder (although it isn’t a completely foreign concept for the centuries-old Warlock).

“Do you, now,” he responds, keeping his voice disinterested.

“Not many Shadowhunters would risk their reputation for some PDA with a Downworlder,” she is snickering as she says it, but Magnus can hear the fondness in her voice. He narrows his eyes in a slight grin.

“Alexander is definitely one of a kind,” he responds.

“So, what’s the problem?”

“Nothing, truly,” he sighs, “I was just… I was reminded of Camille this morning and it got me reeling a bit.”

“Camille?” Catarina asks incredulously. She is clearly unamused that the vampire continues to haunt Magnus’ mind even after she’s been handed over to the Clave.

“Oh stop it. I know.” He does, and he knows that he’s already put his friends through so much because of his relationship with Camille. Catarina looks at him patiently, urging him to keep going.

“It isn’t really about her… it’s just…” Magnus takes his time and chooses his words carefully as he goes, “This is all new for Alec, and I’m worried that he’s just, infatuated by what’s new and exciting.” The thoughts flow out of Magnus in a rush, and he faces Catarina looking slightly stunned, as if he didn’t realize how strong the fear was until he put them into words.

“Magnus, give the boy some credit.” Catarina tips her head to the side, her mouth stretched in a thin line. But her voice is gentle.  


“Love is fleeting,” Magnus spits out, parroting something Camille had once said to him.

_ Love is fleeting, even more so when you’re immortal.  _ He turns away, unable to look at the pitying expression his friend is no doubt showing him.

“But what if it isn’t?” Catarina asks, compassion seeps through her tone. She nudges at Magnus’ hand, encouraging him to look back at her - she continues when he does.

“What if it’s true love? I don’t know - you’re the hopeless romantic in the room.” She narrows her eyes, which glimmer warmly in the daylight.

_ And yet, true love cannot die.  _ He had replied to Camille that day. How could he forget?

“Oh.”

_ I’m in love with him. _

Magnus freezes as he considers this. He didn’t expect this, he didn’t plan on it, but he realizes that it’s the truth. A rush of warmth fills him as the feeling overtakes him.

“Oh,” he says again, mesmerized. Catarina stares at him with a crooked smile, clearly amused at his reaction.

“I thought the boy had it bad - you’re completely gone for him, aren’t you?” She chuckles. They’ve been standing in Magnus’ apothecary for a while now, and Magnus just shoots her a sly smile and turns to his shelves. He picks out a small bag containing a substance that sparkles silver and gold in the sunlight, and hands it to Catarina with care.

“Your Sealie dust.” 

“Thank you, Magnus. What do I owe you?” She asks as she tucks it in her purse.

“Don’t be silly. Your visit is payment enough,” Magnus waves his hand dismissively as he shushes her, “consider it the friends and family discount,” he adds with a wink.

Catarina laughs; while Magnus doesn’t hesitate to charge exorbitantly for his services (especially when dealing with the Nephilim), he has always been overly kind to those he got attached to.

“Thank you. Next time you need help with healing magic, you can count on me.” She starts walking them out back to the foyer.

“Of course. It was good to see you Catarina,” before he forgets, he adds, “thank you.”

Catarina shoots him an appraising look. Once she decides she’s happy with what she sees, she nods and smiles, “of course. I hope I’ll get to meet this Lightwood kid soon.”

She leaves with a wave, leaving Magnus alone with his newfound revelation. He turns around to start preparing for his afternoon clients, moving around his loft with a liveliness in his step that was lacking all morning.

He feels a sense of peace that he was struggling to find before his friend’s visit, as if a piece of his tattered soul was reborn after being dormant for so long. He takes a deep breath.

_ I’m in love with Alexander. _

Magnus thinks again, and as the thought settles, something within him seems to click into place.

* * *

The moon drapes the balcony in silver and blue light as the night grows deeper. The light from the loft casts a warm glow on Magnus as he leans on the railing. He checks the time again; Alec got off patrols about an hour ago, which means he should be arriving shortly. He takes a sip of his old fashioned, trying and failing to be patient as he absentmindedly fidgets with his ear cuff.

After his realization from the afternoon, he is eager to see his boyfriend and apologize for his morning behavior. He hasn’t always been forthcoming with Alec, especially regarding his relationship with Camille, giving Alec no context on his dismay. While he had told Magnus that it wasn’t weird, and that he should say what he thought, a part of Magnus still couldn’t let go of the fun and confident  _ High Warlock _ persona he felt the need to uphold.

After all, if Alec saw all the terrible, ugly sides of him that he’s buried deep within the dusty corners of his mind, could he possibly still feel the way he does about Magnus now?

His eyebrows knit together. This afternoon was a revelation, but Magnus is struggling to decide whether it’s good or bad. He had convinced himself that he was right where he should be; that he was better off alone, avoiding the fleeting fancies of love. Love inevitably led to heartbreak, and he’s convinced he’s had his fair share of those already in his long life.

He senses the Shadowhunter before he can hear him. Alec passes through Magnus’ wards without hesitation, and makes his way up the stairs. Magnus feels a sense of delight as he realizes how comfortable Alec has gotten since they began seeing each other. Alec reaches the door quicker than Magnus expects - his knock catching him a little off guard. He snaps his fingers to let Alec in.

“Out here, darling,” he calls to him. When he sees Alec wander out, Magnus' breath catches somewhere in his chest. The moon highlights Alec’s pale skin; he looks tired after a long night of patrols, but his hazel eyes light up when he sees Magnus, and he is undeniably beautiful in the moonlight ( _ Alexander is always beautiful _ ). Alec leans in and greets him with a quick peck. Magnus cracks a small smile.

“Would you like a drink?” He learned early on that Alec isn’t a drinker, but is willing to try any drink that Magnus hands him. Delighted by Alec’s adventurous nature, Magnus has taken the charge of finding his favorite drink. Tonight, he conjures a piña colada without waiting for Alec’s response. He put in the extra effort to give Alec the authentic experience, tiny umbrella and all, earning a huff of laughter from the Shadowhunter.

“Really?” He asks, clearly skeptical.

“Don’t knock it till you try it,” Magnust hums, a smug smile spreading across his face. He looks back out to the cityscape below them, and sees Alec take a sip out of the corner of his eyes. He makes a mental note when he notices Alec assess the glass in his hand, looking pleasantly surprised. Magnus chuckles, then remembers the conversation he’s been dreading all day, and his smile wavers.

“I’m sorry about this morning, Alexander,” he sighs, not wanting to prolong the waiting any further.

“Don’t be.” Alec shrugs nonchalantly, “you have nothing to be sorry for.”

Magnus recognizes that Alec is giving him an out. To apologize and get it over with, but Alec has bared pieces of himself to Magnus throughout their short time together - many of which couldn’t have been easy for him to share. And Magnus wants to give that same respect, that same slice of his heart and soul to the man he loves.

“It’s just…” He averts his eyes, unable to meet Alec’s sincere gaze. He looks up at the moon and feels frustration welling up as he searches for the right words, “I guess I’m still getting used to this - after being closed off for so long.”

“I get it,” Alec says, simply, giving Magnus another out. And Magnus hesitates, considering for a moment to take the opportunity. The thought dissipates as quickly as it appears.

“No, I want you to know.” Magnus shivers a bit, unsure of whether it’s from the rapidly cooling New York air or from the nerves he is feeling. But Alec places his hand on Magnus’ arm, sharing his grounding warmth. His affection is, at the same time, both comforting and terrifying to Magnus. He knows the consequences of love, the danger of putting your heart on the line, but he realizes in the moment that he  _ needs _ Alec to know. _He_ _needs_ _ Alec _ .

“Camille. When I said we had a lot of history, that almost seems too simple,” he starts, his voice shaky and barely more than a whisper, “I gave her my heart, and she took everything she could from it… she would cheat and lie, then blame me for it all…”

He feels Alec’s hand tense on his arm. Magnus gets a quick glimpse at his face and recognizes the barely contained anger in his eyes before Alec pulls him in next to him, wrapping him up in his warmth, but not saying anything - waiting for Magnus to continue speaking. Magnus thinks again of how Alec’s every action is a genuine reflection of his feelings. Ernest and eager. He leans into the Shadowhunter ever so slightly, basking in the closeness for a moment, and steels himself to finish his explanation.

“The worst part was that she had me believing her,” Magnus grits out, feeling his stomach twist at the thought. Disgust and humiliation rising in him as he continues, “and I know, Alexander, that she was vile and manipulative. That her words were intended to hurt me, rather than relay the truth. But sometimes knowing and feeling are two different things.”

Alec lets out a sharp exhale at that -- almost a scoff. But Magnus knows that Alec must understand the thought, having fallen victim to it himself. He almost manages a smile when he looks back up at him, and Alec is staring straight back with fervor. His eyes locked on to Magnus’- his gaze heated. Magnus feels a faint blush creeping up his neck, and has to look away again.

“The moon used to remind me of her - I suppose they reminded me of the Night Children, which made me think of her,” he says, distracting himself from the heat in his cheeks.

“It doesn’t anymore?” Alec asks. His voice is tender. _Almost loving_ , Magnus indulges himself.

He never thought he needed this. He was never the damsel in distress, waiting to be saved; but rather had to learn to fend for himself early in life. Yet here Alec was, patiently waiting for Magnus as he flounders to formulate his thoughts - never pushing, but encouraging. He brings out something in Magnus that he didn’t know was lacking - a different kind of courage.

_ I’m in love with him _ .

“No,” Magnus shakes his head and faces Alec again, the adoring smile bright on his face this time, “no, it doesn’t.”

He thinks his eyes may be giving away too much of what’s in his heart, but he finds that he doesn’t care. He leans in and kisses Alec, and he just feels…  _ happy _ .

They eventually part, and when they do, Alec’s hand travels up and starts playing with his hair. Magnus lets out a content sigh, happy to let Alec continue his ministrations. They sit in comfortable silence for a while, Alec pulling Magnus closer in beside him.

“...it’s not half bad,” he mumbles after taking another sip of his piña colada. Magnus can’t help the joyous laugh that bursts out of him.

“I  _ knew _ it!” He exclaims, still laughing. Soon Alec’s joining him.

_ I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this _ , Magnus thinks, as laughter fills the balcony and love fills his heart.

But he’s determined to get it right for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I like surrounding Magnus with people who love and care for him because he always does that for others, and I want to be sure he’s getting the love in return. I’m sorry if it feels a bit reductive with Camille-angst and the Magnus & Friend dynamic. Haha
> 
> Again, there shouldn’t be much more Camille (if at all) in the remaining chapters as we move forward in the canon universe!  
> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated as always. They really mean so much to me :)
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	5. Moments Passed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I speak on behalf of the Downworld,” she announces, after exchanging greetings in a way that makes it clear that every part of this is a power play, and nobody actually wants to be here. Alec can’t help looking back to his boyfrie - to Magnus, who finally looks back. His brown eyes are unreadable, void of their usual spark, and Alec can’t help the hurt that runs through his heart.  
> “Magnus is this true?” He asks, needing to hear it from the usually opinionated Warlock. But Magnus doesn’t respond. He only averts his gaze, and Alec feels unmoored.
> 
> ***
> 
> Alec deals with the emotional fallout of his fight with Magnus.  
> Inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s “Moments Passed”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Fair warning, the next few chapters are going to be heavy on angst. They’re going to be covering the Malec break-ups as well as Magnus’ loss of magic. This chapter focuses on their season 2 break-up.
> 
> Thanks again for comments and kudos! They mean the world :)

When Alec enters the room and sees the Sealie Queen, he doesn’t know quite what to expect. When Clary and Jace begin to openly _antagonize_ her, even more so. He notes how Luke and Raphael position themselves by her sides, while Magnus, looking cold and distant (and his eyes fixed anywhere but at him) stands close behind her, by her shoulder. He schools his expression, trying not to let the Queen pick up on his frustration and confusion; there is no way that her presence at this meeting is good news.

“I speak on behalf of the Downworld,” she announces, after exchanging greetings in a way that makes it clear that every part of this is a power play, and that nobody actually wants to be here. Alec can’t stop his eyes from glancing back to his boyfrie - to Magnus, who finally looks back. His brown eyes are unreadable, void of their usual spark, and Alec winces from the hurt that runs through his heart.

“Magnus is this true?” He asks, needing to hear it from the usually opinionated Warlock. But Magnus doesn’t respond. He only averts his gaze, and Alec feels unmoored.

He’s used to the larger-than-life Magnus - the High Warlock of Brooklyn who commandeers any room he’s in. The constant grounding presence that he never doubted. But the Magnus he sees before him looks uncertain and small. Alec can’t help but wonder if _his_ mistakes had backed Magnus into this corner; if Alec’s inability to be open with Magnus had caused the Warlock to lose his character flair. The thought settles like lead in the pit of Alec’s stomach, somehow even more unbearable than their fights themselves.

“Henceforth, when you need anything from the Downworld, you shall address me, Mr. Lightwood. Such is the nature of our new agreement,” the Sealie Queen brings Alec back from his thoughts.

He attempts to return his attention to her, and ignores the weight of his fractured relationship that sits heavy on his shoulders, only feeling heavier since he entered this room. He has heard enough about the Queen to know that he needs his full focus when dealing with her; the Fair Folk, while unable to lie, are adept at twisting your words. He swiftly regains his composure, training his eyes back on the Queen, and tries to sweep any thoughts of Magnus out of his mind.

But when the Queen questions why they should trust him, Alec falters. His eyes find Magnus’ again, and the dull pain he’s been working so hard to ignore returns.

* * *

“ _The one thing I knew I could count on from you was honesty,”_ Magnus spoke slowly, choosing each word with careful deliberation, _“absolute, total, honesty._ ”

The flat thud of Alec’s fists hitting the punching bag echoed in the empty room. He hadn’t needed the training room - not like this - in a while. He felt a bead of sweat trickle down his temple, and the sting on his abused bare knuckles.

Alec could tell immediately, from Magnus’ tone, that he made a grave error. He should have known. Over dinner, when Magnus had patiently forgiven him for losing track of time and took care of him instead, or when Magnus had recalled how he stood up for Alec to the other Downworlders and defended his policies; he had plenty of opportunities to bring it up. He had known, and he still chose wrong. Torn between his new position of leadership, trying to maintain a semblance of a respectful relationship with his father, and his relationship with a Downworlder in a position of power, he had made up a flimsy excuse as to why he couldn’t tell Magnus.

“ _You’re just like the Clave. Making promises you never intend to keep of… transparency?”_ Magnus’ voice was tinged with hurt and disdain, and it cut through Alec like a knife.

He was about to release another relentless blow at the bag, when he heard footsteps enter the room.

“Wanna spar?” Jace narrowed his eyes in a smile, but Alec could see the hesitance there. He stood still for a second, breathing labored, blank stare pointing toward his Parabatai. He knew Jace could sense his turmoil through their shared rune, but he couldn’t bring himself to even feel embarrassed over it. He picked up a towel to wipe his brow, and haphazardly threw it aside.

“Sure,” he answered evenly.

Sparring with Jace had always comforted Alec. The familiar movements in each other helped him regain a sense of control. Neither of them were comfortable with talking about emotions, but they found other ways to help each other process their thoughts when it got too much to handle.

They traded easy punches and settled into their flow; a choreographed back and forth of jabs and blocks, their feet squeaking on the linoleum as they moved deftly with each attack and retreat. Once Jace had warmed up, the movements got stronger - each hit packing more weight. Jace easily dodged the right hook that Alec threw, and brought his elbow up as he flowed back in one swift movement. Alec managed to block the attack with his forearm, twisting in an attempt to grip Jace’s arm and drag him into a throw instead. But Jace maneuvered out of his grasp, and countered it with his own, latching onto Alec’s forearm. He felt Jace’s foot hook around his ankle before he could react, and Alec groaned as he found himself with his back on the ground, Jace smirking above him.

“You’re distracted,” he noted, matter-of-factly. He reached out his hand, and Alec grabbed it, letting himself get pulled back up. “Magnus?” 

Alec felt a twinge of discomfort at Jace’s clumsy attempt to address the elephant in the room, but he only sighed. The lack of denial seemed to be enough for Jace, and he nodded in understanding.

They both stood there, awkwardness spreading in the room, both out of their element.

“You need me to talk to him?” Jace broke the silence first.

“What?”

“You, know, give him the shovel talk and all. I did, uh, a bit, earlier… when you guys, you know…” He looked away as he said it. He shrugged a bit, letting Alec know that it wasn’t a big deal, but Alec just looked back at him. A deep crease formed between his brows, and his mouth clamped shut in confusion.

“What? No, what?” As realization bloomed in Alec of what Jace meant by _when you guys, you know_ , his face blushed a deep red, and he opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to produce words. “What the fuck, Jace!” was what finally made it out.

Jace had the decency to look slightly abashed, “I told him. If he hurt you, I’d,”

“No! Jace, stop!” Alec interrupted him with a desperate yelp. His hands came up in front of him, half motioning Jace to stop, half about to cradle his head because what on _earth_ possessed his Parabatai to give his boyfriend the _shovel talk_ … and how did he _know_? He could still feel the heat in his cheeks as he stuttered, “no, Jace. It… it was me. Magnus, he didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Oh.” This information seemed to quell Jace’s agitation, and Alec could see him release some of the tension he was carrying within him. Alec walked over to a bench at the side of the room and sank down to sit on it. His upper body hunched down, like he was deflating into himself, and he buried his face into his hands. Jace followed him, but remained standing, keeping a comfortable distance.

“I… I think I screwed this up,” he mumbled into his hands. Jace shot him a sideways glance, mouth stretched into a thin grimace. They fell back into a silence, and as Alec was about to deflect, to tell Jace to _just forget about it_ , Jace opened his mouth.

“Look, man, I don’t know what happened, but Magnus loves you. Everyone sees that.”

Alec tried to respond, to let him know that it may not be enough this time, but the words wouldn’t form. So Jace continued.

“You know me. Love’s… let’s just say it’s not my strong suit,” he grinned self-deprecatingly, “but you and Magnus… you two give me hope. That maybe there’s some credence in love… or, something,” he muttered his words at the end. He looked embarrassed, but his eyes were warm; Alec knew he meant every word.

The sincerity of the confession, which is so unlike his Parabatai, momentarily stunned Alec. He managed a huff of laughter, because something about the fact that Jace, who had always considered emotions a hindrance, was expressing these thoughts allowed him to feel a sliver of possibility.

“And don’t tell anyone I said that, because you know I’ll never hear the end of it,” Jace chuckled, and Alec looked up at him, a sassy retort at the tip of his tongue, when Magnus’ barbed words came rushing back to him.

“ _And after I’ve bared my heart and soul… I told you things, I’ve never told anyone…! You looked me straight in the eye and lied._ ”

The words that caught him most off guard - the words that haunted him the most. He could still hear the bitterness that seeped through every syllable.

Alec stilled, his response to Jace forgotten, and he folded back into himself a bit.

“...I hope you’re right,” was all he could manage to say.

  
  


* * *

The guilt from his confrontation with Magnus didn’t leave him when the sun rose the next day. If anything, the clarity he gained with a night to dwell on it made him feel even more uneasy. Alec, as inexperienced as he was with relationships, knew that while he never intended to hurt Magnus, that was exactly what his actions did. Even as he reminded himself of all the reasons why he hadn’t told Magnus, and of how unreasonable Magnus was being by not letting him explain himself fully, he knew that he should have been more open with his boyfriend.

_Ex-boyfriend?_ He shook his head, dispelling the thought as it creeped up in his mind. He had to focus - they finally had the Mortal Mirror, and they needed to find Jonathan and Valentine.

“Is everything okay?” Izzy’s eyes were full of concern as she walked up to him. Alec just looked at her, unsure of what to tell her. He knew that Izzy would be able to sense his anxiety, and he should have been prepared. But he wasn’t, and he didn’t know how to answer that question honestly without his voice breaking. As the Head of the New York Institute, that wasn’t something that he could afford anymore. Especially now, the Shadowhunters needed a strong, reliable leader.

He broke eye contact, and let his eyes dart around the room. Part to ensure that no one else was listening to their conversation, but also because he didn’t think he could look his sister in the eye without cracking. He was barely holding it together as it was.

“You told Magnus about the Soul Sword, didn’t you,” she ventured, knowingly. When Alec just looked at her again, knuckles white where it gripped the edge of the comm board, she winced, “wow. That bad…”

She brought a hand up to rub at his shoulder, and Alec hung his head. He couldn’t bring himself to explain to his sister that he actually _didn’t_ tell Magnus about the Soul Sword, which was the issue to begin with. If only he had told him… Alec furrowed his brows, his jaw clenched tight.

“ _And after I’ve bared my heart and soul… I told you things, I’ve never told anyone…! You looked me straight in the eye and lied._ ”

Alec recalled the words that he kept returning to. Just the reminder of them tore his heart to shreds all over again. Throughout their relationship, all he wanted was for Magnus to open up to him; he wanted to be for Magnus what Magnus was for him. And once he felt they finally reached that point, where he had earned Magnus’ trust after everything that the Warlock had been through, he had let the Clave get in their way. Again.

He thought back to the DNA testing and the GPS tracking, shame coursing through him as he did. He took in a deep breath; four seconds in. Hold. Four seconds out… and repeated the cycle a few times before he finally felt his knuckles loosen.

“I fucked up, Iz,” Alec said, voice dejected, “he trusted me, and I, I...” he couldn’t finish the thought, but the sympathetic look on Izzy’s face relayed that he didn’t need to.

“I ran to him, anytime I had a problem, and he always helped. For no reason other than his trust in me. And I keep letting him down,” he grit out scathingly as Izzy’s hand rubbed gentle circles on his shoulder.

“I should’ve just told him. I knew I should’ve, and I wanted to!” He paused, “...I guess it doesn’t matter.”

_Not anymore_ , he supplied in his head, and the thought caused a wave of nausea to rush over him. His body physically recoiled at the thought that what he had with Magnus was over. Magnus, who taught him so much about himself; gently guided Alec into a new path of self-discovery. The Warlock who unlocked a new freedom in Alec through his touch alone.

All Magnus had asked from him in return was honesty - and how could he love Alec back after he had betrayed that trust so flagrantly?

“Hey, hey,” Izzy’s kind voice rang through the accusations in his head, “Magnus loves you. He helps you because he wants to - and you know you’d do the same for him.”

Alec wanted that to be true, but he kept thinking back on all the times he had failed to show up - caught up in the Clave’s orders or even in his own issues.

“He may be hurt and upset but he loves you, Alec. Just talk to him.”

The words, which Alec knew were meant to be comforting, gripped tightly around his heart. Both Jace and Izzy seemed so sure, yet Alec still felt lost. It felt like something had broken last night, during their fight in his office, and he wasn’t sure it was something he could string back together. 

Alec closed his eyes as a dull throb spread through his heart. His jaw rigid, he could almost feel his quickened pulse through the tension in his neck. He needed to focus.

“We should go. We need to find Jonathan and Valentine before they come for the Mirror.” He stood up straight - drained, but determined. Izzy looked up at him, eyebrows knit together in worry, but Alec just shook his head at her without another word. She nodded.

There were demons coming, and Alec didn’t have the luxury of being lost at times of war.

  
  


* * *

Alec knew he had no right, but he didn’t know what else to do for Max. And Magnus still came.

As Brother Enoch walked back into the room and closed the door behind him, Alec was overcome with dread, feeling like they had closed the door on Max.

_Max is a fighter_ , he repeated in his head. A mantra that he’d been repeating to himself all day. Magnus stepped up beside him as his family went to find a seat, and picked up his hand. His eyes were hesitant, his jaw stiff, and in every one of Magnus’ movements, Alec could sense the fragility of their relationship -- worn down and seemingly hanging by a thread. But he also felt Magnus’ grounding warmth, his compassion and care shared through his touch. He felt something akin to hope begin to bloom within him.

“ _And after I’ve bared my heart and soul… I told you things, I’ve never told anyone…! You looked me straight in the eye and lied._ ”

Alec’s heart stuttered. Whatever blooming within him wilted instantly as shame took its place. He didn’t deserve Magnus’ compassion, and how selfish of him to feel hope in this moment, when Max and his family needed him. Without words, knowing his voice would betray any emotion he tried to suppress, he lay a soft pat on Magnus’ shoulder with his free hand, and let the one in Magnus’ grasp slip away. He immediately mourned the loss of touch - longing flooded his heart, but he turned to join his family without sparing a look back at Magnus; afraid of what he might do or say if he did.

Waiting for Brother Enoch felt like an eternity. To Alec’s surprise, Magnus stayed with them as they waited. Between comforting his sister and mother, Alec chanced a few glances at the Warlock, who stood at a distance but made no attempt to leave. While he couldn’t ignore the tension that permeated the air between them, Alec also felt the usual calming effect of having Magnus so close to him. His choice to stay gave way to another glimmer of hope. He could have left once he found out his magic wouldn’t help, but he chose to stay… Alec knew that Magnus cared for Max, he had made it abundantly clear that he wasn’t doing this for Alec. But he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he still had a chance to make things right again.

When Brother Enoch finally finished the procedure, Alec had been called out for a patrol report. He hurried back to the infirmary as soon as he was notified, and was greeted by Max - breathing, speaking, and alive.

“I should go,” Magnus suggested, “Max? You take care of yourself.” His movements were uncertain, lacking his usual elegance, and when his eyes darted around the room to look at the Lightwoods, he barely skimmed over Alec. Alec wasn’t sure if it was yearning or frustration bubbling up in his stomach at the noticeable exclusion. He turned away to face Max as Magnus left the room.

Alec only managed to look up once Magnus was gone and when he did, his eyes met his sister’s. Her eyes were wide with incredulity - the “are you mad?” left unsaid, but easily understood. And Alec ran out of the room.

“Magnus,” he called out to the Warlock, who looked ready to dart into the elevator as soon As Alec entered the hallway. He dropped a hand on Magnus’ back hoping that the touch would be enough to make him stay just a little longer, “thank you, so much… for being here.”

Alec took a deep breath, attempting to calm his nerves for the conversation to come. He wished that he had time to prepare what he was going to say, but also had enough awareness to know that if he held off too long, he wouldn’t be able to muster up the courage to say anything at all.

“I’m glad Max is okay,” Magnus responded as he turned around. Discomfort emanated from his body, and it forced Alec to take a step back; he dropped his hand and found himself in a tense parade rest. But he couldn’t back down without a fight.

He found a moment to be brave, and he needed to let him know.

“I’m sorry…!” He blurted out the first words that came to mind, and winced at the simplicity of it. He took a moment to collect himself before continuing, “…I should have told you about the soul sword.” 

Magnus’ shoulders drop, like someone cut the strings that kept them hunched up so tight. Emboldened by his reaction, Alec took another step closer to the Warlock. Magnus stood stock still, he showed no signs of stepping away.

“I made a mistake…! But you and me, we always seem to find our way back to each other. Magnus, I love you.”

The confession moved Magnus to step closer to him, and Alec relished in the Warlock’s warmth that he had gotten so used to (and missed so much). A hand came up to caress Alec’s cheek, and without thought, Alec leaned into the touch. He let his eyes fall closed as he felt settled for the first time since their fight.

“I love you, too,” Magnus replied. The words were everything Alec wanted to hear, and yet his watery voice betrayed the ensuing _but_. A sad, ghost of a smile spread and disappeared on Magnus’ face, so quickly that Alec questioned whether he imagined one last smile from the man he loved.

“But as a leader, there are difficult decisions I have to make to ensure the survival of my people.” Alec tensed as he sensed Magnus’ conclusion.

“The only thing holding me back from doing that… is you.”

“No… no…” Alec denied, voice weak. He didn’t know what to say when he knew deep down that they were meant to be together, but Magnus had decided otherwise.

“I can’t have both.” 

Alec could see Magnus shutting down before him; panic welled up in him, his heart beating loudly in his chest.

“Yes you can! _We_ can…!” His voice came out louder than he expected. He needed Magnus to wait, to just listen, but Magnus stood there shaking his head. “We, Magnus…! We can figure this out,” a hoarse whisper this time, desperate and shaking.

“You once asked me what I was afraid of…” Magnus started, his voice was quivering now. He looked at him, straight in the eye, for what felt like the first time since they argued (the moment didn’t feel anything like Alec expected it to), “...it’s this.”

Magnus turned to leave without saying another word, taking one last look at him through the elevator doors, and Alec could readily see the anguish in his eyes. He almost called out, begged him to stop. But before he had a chance, the elevator doors closed, and Alec was left alone in the silent hallway. He had the distinct feeling like his heart had been knocked out of his offering hands and unceremoniously raked through the mud. His body left hollow, a shell of a human, and the faintest shadow of everything he had ever wanted rapidly slipping through his grasp.

* * *

“The answer, Shadowhunters, is no.”

The Sealie Queen’s apathetic voice pulls Alec back from the moments passed.

“Come along,” she calls as she struts out of the room. Luke and Raphael shuffle uncomfortably, but stay put. Magnus, however, turns on his heel and follows the Queen out the room without a second of hesitation. Alec stares at him as he passes, eyes burning in question, but Magnus keeps his gaze lowered, determined not to face him.

Alec is frozen in place. He can’t move a single muscle, his voice is lost somewhere in his chest; his head is reeling, unable to settle on the hurt or the outrage that are warring within him.

_How could he?_ He thinks, _I love him - he said he loved me, how could he side with_ her _?_

The thought makes him sick, as if their love means (meant?) nothing, but also because he knows Magnus doesn’t _owe_ him anything, and he hates himself for the mere thought. His mouth is stretched in a thin line, his jaw working as he glares at the empty doorway.

“Alec…” Izzy walks up to him and places a hand on his shoulder. Alec closes his eyes with a sharp exhale, and makes a conscious effort to release the tension in his shoulders. He feels everyone’s eyes on him - can easily imagine the looks of confusion and pity.

“I’m fine, Izzy,” he manages to say, and while it comes out strained, finding his voice somewhat helps to calm his frayed nerves, “I’m fine.”

He marches out the room without glancing back at the others -- resolutely not thinking of the only person who’s occupied his every thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, and if you feel like leaving a kudos or a comment it would make my day!
> 
> xoxo
> 
> tsujiharu


	6. The Corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Father… I’ve never once come here to ask you for anything. There must be something else I can give you,” Magnus asks, his voice tight. He knows he is running out of time; every second he wastes arguing with Asmodeus leads them closer to losing Jace to the Owl, and Magnus can’t let that happen. Not after what he’s done to cause this mess - not after the hurt he’s inadvertently caused Alec.  
> “Actually, my son… there is.” Asmodeus’ response is gleeful, instantly putting Magnus on edge. Despite being deep in the fiery pits of hell, he feels a chill run up his spine, and a deep crease forms between his brow.  
> “Your magic.”
> 
> ****
> 
> Magnus makes a deal with Asmodeus. The conversation we didn’t see in Season 3, Episode 10.  
> Inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s “The Corner”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magnus Bane deserves nice things.  
> I hope you enjoy!

“Father… I’ve never once come here to ask you for anything. There must be something else I can give you,” Magnus asks, his voice tight. He knows he is running out of time; every second he wastes arguing with Asmodeus leads them closer to losing Jace to the Owl, and Magnus can’t let that happen. Not after what he’s done to cause this mess - not after the hurt he’s inadvertently caused Alec.

“Actually, my son… there is.” Asmodeus’ response is gleeful, instantly putting Magnus on edge. Despite being deep in the fiery pits of hell, he feels a chill run up his spine, and a deep crease forms between his brow.

“Your magic.”

He states it as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. As if he isn’t suggesting to take away a piece of Magnus; his strength, his immortality, his soul.

“...you can’t be serious,” he manages, trying to process the absurdity of the request. He stumbles back, his mind reeling, “n, no.”

“Ah, very well then. Then my answer is also no.” Asmodeus raises an eyebrow when Magnus stares at him in disbelief.

“Magnus, if you’re asking for help to send Lilith back to Edom - which is a _huge_ inconvenience to me, the least you can do is to give me the strength to keep her subdued upon her return. I refuse to be ruled by that vile bitch again,” his hatred apparent in every word he spits out, “and if you don’t want to rule beside me, then I suppose I will have to make due with only your powers.”

Magnus tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, but his mouth is dry and the action does little to temper his nerves.

“I… I have to think about this,” he finally manages to squeak out a response, his pained gaze fixed on the floor - unable to look his father in his eyes. As if he’s looking down from the precipice, stranded at the corner of the point of no return.

Asmodeus looks him over with a self-satisfied smirk.

“Don’t take too long, my son. Who knows how long your ‘friend’ has remaining.”

He disappears with a small crack, and the empty room falls eerily silent.

* * *

Magnus reaches his hand into his pocket and pulls out his omamori charm. Squeezing it lightly, he brings it up to his lips. It’s worn down now, frayed at the edges. Magnus’ thumb rubs over it in a familiar fashion. The room is quiet, and he doesn’t remember the last time he felt so alone. He wishes more than anything to have Alec’s comforting presence - the daunting decision looming over him like a dark cloud. He lets out a shaky breath, trying to get his mind settled enough to think over Asmodeus’ offer.

He imagines a life without magic - himself as a mundane. He would no longer be able to take on clients without his magic to help them. He wouldn’t be able to assist Alec and the other Shadowhunters with their missions without his powers. He would grow old.

A pang of something indescribable jolts in his heart - wistful, painful, almost fearful. His recent arguments with Alec suddenly taking on a new perspective. The irony is almost humorous if it weren’t for the existential crisis he was currently facing. He forces his thoughts to move on.

Would Alec think less of him if he no longer had his magic?

“ _I care who_ you _are_ ”

Alec had reassured him when he found out about Magnus’ relation to Asmodeus. He had looked into Magnus’ eyes, like it was a gateway into his soul. Alec always looks at him like that - intense, sincere, loving.

But who is Magnus Bane without his magic?

He thinks of his Shadowhunter, waiting for him back in New York; who tried to stop him from coming down to Edom and asking Asmodeus for help.

“ _Tell me Jace isn’t worth it._ ”

Magnus knew it was a low blow - making Alec feel like he needed to choose between his boyfriend or his parabatai, reminding him of the Owl’s baiting words.

“ _You might share a bed with him, but if your precious Alexander could only pick just one of us… who do you think he’d pick?_ ”

He wasn’t lying when he told Alec it was okay, that the Owl’s words didn’t impact him the way that it must have hoped they would. Magnus has long come to accept his place in Alec’s life. He recalls the long night when Alec used their parabatai connection to try and find Jace, who had been kidnapped by Valentine. How they almost lost him in Alec and Jace’s bond. Magnus did everything he could to help Alec find his way back, but in the end it had been Jace who tethered him to life - who was able to pull him out. As a Warlock, Magnus will never fully understand the depth of the parabatai bond or how it works. But he understands one thing clearly: Magnus may have a piece of Alec’s heart, but Jace has a piece of his soul. Now Alec was on his way to losing that piece for good.

And Magnus is partially to blame; if only he had never given Lilith that anti-love potion. This path they have landed on should have never been in Alec’s way. If it weren’t for his potion, Jace would still be Jace. He clenches his fist around the omamori charm, still tucked tightly in his hand. How could he forgive himself if Magnus’ action caused Alec to never feel whole again?

“ _I will_ _fix it. I will use the last drop of my power if it’s the death of me._ ”

He barks out a self-deprecating laugh. He had no idea how true that statement would come to be.

Alec has been through so much in the last few months. Between the pressure placed on him as the Head of the Institute, his parents’ divorce, the loss of his parabatai to the Queen of Hell, it has been a struggle even to ensure that he at least kept himself fed. Alec’s been forced into constantly weathering storms, but he has done so with grace and resilience. Magnus feels his heart swell with pride and adoration at the thought.

“ _Not to be an overeager warlock boyfriend, but… need a hand?_ ”

Alec shook his head at the question, “ _you help me all the time. If I came to you every time I had a problem -_ ”

“ _We’ll spend more time together. UGH. Torture_.”

The memory of Alec’s smile that escaped his control strengthens Magnus’ resolve. Alec and Magnus’ relationship hasn’t always been perfect, but they always progressed, strengthened through every hardship. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that Alec was more aware of his requests to the Warlock since the battle against Valentine. While Magnus always knew that he was more than just his utility as a Warlock in his boyfriend’s eyes, Alec’s attempts to make this abundantly clear had been both endearing and reaffirming. And most importantly, it was the Shadowhunter’s determination not to ask for it, which motivated Magnus to do everything in his control to help him. Alec’s steadfast belief that somehow he - Alexander Gideon Lightwood, Head of the New York Institute - didn’t deserve _Magnus_ , fueled Magnus to go above and beyond to convince him that Magnus deserved to stand by his side; that they could be a team worthy of the acceptance - and perhaps even the respect - of the Clave and the Downworld.

A brutal voice in his head taunts him, reminding him of how that will no longer be the case once he loses his magic. Magnus would be a mundane, standing beside his powerful Shadowhunter boyfriend. At least he’d play the role of arm candy well, he supposes, dryly. He huffs out a dull laugh.

There’s an emptiness spreading within him, as he gives up on a life that feels just in his reach. Magnus walks up to a window and contemplates the hellscape surrounding him. He takes a second to consider the alternative offer - staying in Edom to take his place as the Prince of Hell with Asmodeus. He flinches at the thought.

“ _You’re going to make it back. You hear me?_ ”

“ _Why wouldn’t I? … look what I have waiting for me._ ”

He had given Alec his word that he would fix this even if it took the last drop of his power, and Magnus Bane is a man of his word, with or without his magic. He was never one to fold without a fight, and he is willing to do what it takes for the man he loves. If he can help Alec through this storm, he will do it.

_Just like that_ , Magnus thinks easily, and he’s suddenly overcome with his love for the Shadowhunter. He tries to think of his past relationships, the mementos he carefully stored away in his box, and imagines what he would’ve given for them.

“ _If I’m lucky, maybe one of my arrowheads ends up in that box._ ”

He remembers the searing pain that shot through his heart at the thought of Alec being gone. The mere thought of their eventual fate was unbearable. As much as he has loved over the years, he can’t remember encountering a love quite like this. A sad, longing smile crosses his face.

* * *

“So you’ve made your decision?” The pleasure was evident in Asmodeus’ voice. Magnus feels his stomach churn at the sadistic nature of his father and the cruelty of the choice he’s forcing on Magnus. He takes a deep, steadying breath. Willing his voice to come out unafraid.

“You can have my magic. Let me help my friend.”

He thinks he manages; he at least got his words out without letting his voice crack. Asmodeus’ mouth curls up in a cold sneer that twists Magnus’ insides into tight knots.

“We have a deal. I will give you the magic you need to eradicate Lilith’s control over the Shadowhunter. The moment you use this power, your magic is mine,” he reiterates, eyes glimmering with a manic energy. Magnus just nods. He feels heat build behind his eyes, his chest constricts around his shallow breaths. He can’t show his weakness now, not in front of Asmodeus.

When his father offers his hand for the handshake to seal the deal, Magnus takes it without hesitation. He can’t allow himself to back out.

He steps off the corner.

* * *

Magnus doesn’t remember ever feeling greater fear in his long life than seeing the Owl, in the form of his boyfriend’s parabatai, slowly sink an arrow in Alec’s chest. He uses Asmodeus’ magic without second thought.

He wasn’t sure what he expected, but the loss is immediate. He feels noticeably hollow - the constant buzzing energy of his magic suddenly gone, a piece of him that just dissipated. It’s the kind of loss that isn’t felt until it’s too late. But Magnus doesn’t have time to let that sink in now. He runs to Alec, who is shivering on the ground, his breaths coming out in heavy pants.

“Stay with me…!” Magnus’ voice is taut with desperation; helplessness tinging the corners. Alec lets out a wet cough. Concerned of blood in his lungs, Magnus scans over the Shadowhunter, hands shifting uncertainly, without purpose.

“Mom said… you’d make a dramatic entrance,” Alec wheezes out with a strained smile.

Magnus tries to return the smile, tries to comfort Alec in any way he can, but it comes out looking more like a grimace, “...wise woman.”

He doesn’t notice Jace running up to them until he’s right beside them.

“Magnus, please, you’ve got to fix him…!”

It’s Jace - _their Jace_ \- and a wave of relief washes over him for a split second. Asmodeus’ magic has worked, and at least the deal was not in vain. The relief is gone in an instant, however, when Alec coughs again. The agonizing pain apparent in every breath he struggles to take.

“I can’t…” Magnus mutters, dejected.

“You can’t? What do you mean, you can’t?” Jace sounds just as desperate. He’s on the verge of tears, his concern only for his injured parabatai. Magnus can see the guilt in Jace’s eyes, watery and scared.

“My magic… it’s gone,” he says matter-of-factly, “I traded it to break Lilith’s hold on you.”

Jace looks at him in disbelief, and Magnus can only wince in response. WIthout another word, Jace picks up his stele and activates Alec’s iratze. He knows they’re far from being out of the woods, but Alec’s pain seems to abate just enough to hold him over until they can get help, and Magnus lets go of a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. With a pinch in his heart, he thinks of how he’ll no longer be able to help Alec in the way that Jace can with an iratze ( _yet another thing that I can’t give him anymore_ ). The irrational thought dissolves as Alec opens his mouth to speak again.

“Jace… it wasn’t you…” he hisses out between gasps, and Jace looks like a lost child, frozen on the spot. But Magnus knows that there’s more work to do. They got rid of the Owl, but Lilith was still out there, and she needed to be banished back to hell.

“I’ll take care of him,” he assures Jace, now that Alec seems to be in slightly more stable condition. He can see Jace’s jaw tighten; Magnus doesn’t pretend to understand how it must feel to leave his parabatai, in pain and barely hanging on. But Jace nods his acquiescence, and pushes the stele into Alec’s hands. His eyes glimmer gold - Magnus would have missed it if he weren’t paying attention, the shine passing in a moment.

“I’m going to get Clary.”

With that, he leaves Magnus in the alleyway with an injured Alec. The iratze seemingly helping, but the pain still obvious. Magnus narrows his eyes, which are freely welling up now. He feels powerless as his love struggles on the ground. He raises his hand, hoping to send a fire message to Catarina - he may not be able to help him, but Catarina - and deflates as he realizes that his loss of power means he can no longer even send fire messages. Frustration flares within him at his own stupidity and uselessness.

“Stay with me, darling,” he wants to sound strong, but it comes out broken, “I can’t lose you, Alexander. Please…”

He gently cradles Alec’s neck, trying not to move the Shadowhunter too much, lest he risks the arrow causing more damage. Alec looks up at him, eyes unfocused, but a faint smile surfacing on his pale face.

“Thank you, for saving Jace” he whispers, “...I love you.”

And Magnus can’t hold it in any longer. A hopeless sob escapes his throat.

“I love you too, Alexander.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed the chapter.  
> As always, your kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. Knowing you’re enjoying the chapters has been such a source of motivation for me! Thank you :)
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	7. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So I was thinking we could have dinner tonight. On the balcony. View of the city. The head chef can prepare something special,” Alec continues, his body still stiff and emanating nervous energy.  
> “Oh, how romantic. May I ask what the occasion is?”  
> The question seems to catch Alec off guard, his eyes going wide. The reaction is… interesting, as it doesn’t feel like an abrupt question to consider. But Alec’s cheeks lift in another smile, a dash of color rising to the surface.  
> “There’s no occasion. Just thought it’d be nice. What, I can’t do something nice for my boyfriend?”  
> “Oh.” Magnus contemplates the response, smiling at the thought of Alec perhaps trying to cheer him up. “I am one lucky man.”  
> “Not as lucky as I am.” Alec looks at him with pure affection in his eyes, and the darkness inside Magnus fades ever so slightly.
> 
> ***
> 
> Alec is planning a surprise for Magnus, who has recently lost his magic (again).  
> Inspired by “Lost” by Dermot Kennedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are at the halfway point!! Kind of surreal for me.
> 
> Since we’re at the halfway point of an odd number of chapters, this chapter will have both Magnus and Alec’s POV. I’ve got one more super angsty chapter after this one, and then hopefully we can move towards the happy ending the boys deserve!
> 
> Thanks as always for reading, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

**My Sense of Wonder’s Just a Little Tired**

Magnus hates it when his boyfriend is nervous. Mainly because the Shadowhunter usually doesn’t care to share with the group, and it leaves Magus feeling a little off-kilter. Alec had been the one who wanted to move in together first, and he hopes that Magnus’... recent misfortunes (by which he means his loss of magic, then the subsequent transfusion of magic, followed by a near-death experience cultivating into yet another removal of magic - a stab of pain strikes his gut at the memory) hasn’t soured the thought in Alec’s mind.

“Is something wrong?” He decides to be direct, not wanting to dwell on it all day. From his warm corner of the bed, Magnus glances over at his boyfriend who’s been distractedly fixing his collar for the past few minutes.

“What? No! No, on the contrary,” Alec denies hastily, pasting a smile on his beautiful face as he fixes his cuffs, “everything is… perfect. Now that you’re back to your old self.”

Magnus feels his insides twinge, and puts down the property listings to reach over to grab his coffee cup, trying to give his mouth something to do before he says something bitter.

“Well let’s not get carried away.” Is what he lands on - it feels like an appropriate balance of the dark spiral of shame and frustration that seems to have filled in the space formerly occupied by his magic, and the bland jovialty that he’s mastered so that he isn’t constantly worrying his boyfriend and friends.

“I just mean now that you’re healthy,” Alec amends, perhaps sensing the barbs in the ( _former_ ) Warlock’s words. Magnus can’t help rolling his eyes.

“So I was thinking we could have dinner tonight. On the balcony. View of the city. The head chef can prepare something special,” Alec continues, his body still stiff and emanating nervous energy.

“Oh, how romantic. May I ask what the occasion is?”

The question seems to catch Alec off guard, his eyes going wide. The reaction is… interesting, as it doesn’t feel like an abrupt question to consider. But Alec’s cheeks lift in another smile, a dash of color rising to the surface.

“There’s no occasion. Just thought it’d be nice. What, I can’t do something nice for my boyfriend?”

“Oh.” Magnus contemplates the response, smiling at the thought of Alec perhaps trying to cheer him up. “I am one lucky man.”

“Not as lucky as I am.” Alec looks at him with pure affection in his eyes, and the darkness inside Magnus fades ever so slightly. “Okay! I’ll see you -” he leans down to drop a kiss on Magnus’ cheek, “- tonight at eight o’clock!”

He points at Magnus as he rushes out of the room.

“I’ll be there with bells on!” Magnus responds as the door closes behind the Shadowhunter. He picks up the property listings again, and settles into another day of the mundane.

* * *

There’s something soothing about putting on a record the mundane way; taking the care to brush off the dust, gently placing the disk on the turntable, and dropping the needle. Soft jazz fills the room as the needle touches the grooves of the record. The sun makes its way in the room through the curtains, draping the room in a warm light, and Magnus feels a sense of calm that he rarely feels these days. He pours himself a drink and lightly sways to the music, the edges of his eyes wrinkling in a smile.

He catches sight of himself in the dresser mirror, and walks up to take a closer look. Dressed immaculately in a floral maroon shirt adorned with a golden collar pin (just because he’s lost his magic doesn’t mean he has to dress drably, too), he takes note of his eyes (he’s gotten much better at drawing on his signature wing tips), and his perfectly coiffed hair. His smile crooks up into a smirk; he’s still got the looks at least. A glimmer in the light catches Magnus’ eyes. His brows knit closer together as he plucks a hair off the crown of his head. 

A gray hair.

He’s centuries old. It’s perfectly reasonable that he has a gray hair or two. But Magnus is frozen in place at the revelation. He’s mortal now. He will grow old.

Of course he knows this already, it isn’t a new thought, but the stark reminder in the form of a gray hair is something unexpected. The air in the room suddenly feels thinner, and Magnus staggers toward the window and struggles with the lock until he can slide it open. His breath comes out in gasps, and he realizes he must have not been breathing.

 _1… 2… 3… 4…_ he counts as he takes a deliberate inhale. It was a breathing technique that he often used with Alec when Alec would have his bouts early on in their relationship. _Hold. 4… 3… 2… 1…_ he releases his breath with the count. He takes a few more measured breaths until he can tell his heart rate has calmed down, letting his eyes fall closed as he forces the tension out of his body. Once the haze lifts, he sinks onto the bed behind him. A dry laugh escapes his chest - Magnus almost doesn’t recognize it as his, he never used to sound so angry. So broken. He downs his whiskey before he can think better of it and pours another.

This time around, Magnust hasn’t been dragging Alec around the city trying to catch every event or to eat every meal. He still has moments where he feels a vice-like grip on his heart, panic welling in him and threatening to overflow. It often comes late at night, thankfully after Alec has already fallen asleep. Magnus lays still in bed, thinking of how once he falls asleep he’s one day closer to his last. He takes a sip of the bitter whiskey, swallowing it slowly and feeling it burn as it travels down.

Magnus isn’t sure why he hasn’t told Alec of the late night panic attacks, or why he probably won’t tell him about the gray hair and his current state. Alec has been nothing but supportive; if it weren’t for him, Magnus probably would have just let Lorenzo’s magic destroy him from within. Alec’s been carrying both their weights on his back, giving Magnus his space to process his emotions while reassuring him of his commitment to them every step of the way. And while Magnus appreciates that, he also can’t help the ambivalence he feels toward his boyfriend. Most of the time he feels like a burden to the Shadowhunter. A useless has-been that is risking Alec’s reputation by taking advantage of his offer to stay with him at the Institute, eat their food, and walk around freely… Just as often, he’s overwhelmed by the love he feels. Magnus has never felt so earnestly loved and cared for. Alec provides safety and warmth; he does so unconditionally and in abundance, never giving Magnus a moment to doubt his heart.

Which is why the worst is when Magnus feels resentment. He hates those moments, when he can’t help the anger that bubbles in his gut, and the irrational thoughts take over. He furrows his brows as he feels the jolt of guilt that accompanies the bitterness.

 _Alexander is_ happy _that you lost your powers - he relishes your mortality that will drag you to death with him._

 _He’s always had a_ ‘ _taking care of people_ ’ _thing - he loves being the stronger one in your relationship._

The demon in his ear starts whispering incessantly, and Magnus takes a large swig and slams the glass on the table with a little more force than he had planned, startling himself along the way. He buries his face in his hand and tries to take another deep breath, but it doesn’t come out right.

He stands up with a start, needing to be anywhere but here. The Institute suddenly feels stifling, the air stale. He scowls as he looks around the small room, which feels like it’s getting smaller by the second. He gathers his keys (because that’s something he needs now), phone, and wallet as he rushes out.

* * *

Magnus downs the shot of liquor - his fourth, fifth? He hasn’t been counting. He chose a mundane bar, preferring the anonymity over the Hunter’s Moon where he could feel the curious eyes of the other Downworlders, no doubt looking at him with amusement or, even worse, pity. The crease between his eyebrows deepen as his frown lengthens. He orders another shot.

That was one thing that he hadn’t fully thought through - his worth as a functioning member of the Shadow World disappearing along with his magic. He used to be a respected member of their society, but now, he is to be _pitied_ . He wishes he would have known that no one cares about the birds that don’t rise. Magnus thinks of the humiliation he had to endure when _Lorenzo_ came to the Institute to reestablish the wards that disappeared with Magnus’ magic. He refused to hide away in Alec’s room, not wanting to give the new High Warlock the satisfaction of knowing how demeaning the entire experience was for Magnus.

_You’re nothing now. Just a mundane hanging prettily off his arm. Worthless._

The resentful voice supplies in his head. The alcohol is beginning to take its effect, creating a dull haze around the edges of the near-constant ache he feels in his core. Magnus thinks for a passing moment that he should perhaps slow down his pace, but the thought is a distant siren, and barely registers through the barrage of hateful thoughts that seem to come so easily today. He pulls out his phone and calls the only person he can think to call.

“Magnus?”

The voice at the other end of the line is concerned, and Magnus instantly feels regret in calling his friend when he knows she’s most likely on shift.

“I’m sorry Catarina - you must be at work,” he apologizes immediately. Guilt coloring the fog that has seemed to take over his head.

“I’m on break… are you okay?” She hesitates before adding, “have you been drinking?”

“A liiittle,” Magnus slurs out - and promptly realizes that he has had more to drink than he thought. He stumbles upon the conclusion that his world-famous tolerance was yet another product of his magic.

 _Of course it was_ , he thinks to himself bitterly with a roll of his eyes.

“...are you with Alec?”

It’s a silly question, as far as Magnus is concerned, as he wouldn’t be calling Catarina if he was with Alec. An airy laugh escapes his throat. He thinks of his boyfriend and remembers their conversation from the morning.

“He’s planning us a romantic dinner tonight.” It comes out sounding like a scoff, and Magnus furrows his brow at the sound as if it wasn’t him producing it. A romantic dinner cooked by the head chef of the institute. For a Downworlder-turned-mundane like him. Because the Head of the Institute wishes it to be. He’s sure the chef was _delighted_ at the prospect. He takes a sip of the drink in front of him - he barely remembers ordering it.

“Oh?” The snippy tone is clearly not lost on his friend, and Magnus huffs at her (rather annoying) perceptiveness. But her voice is not unkind as she continues, “and how does that explain you getting drunk right now? You have a few hours before dinnertime…”

Magnus opens his mouth, waiting for words that don’t form. He tries to come up with an excuse - any explanation as to how he came to be wasted at this bar. He can’t even explain how he ended up at this bar. Finally he lets out a long exhale.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Catarina…” he bites out. Catarina doesn’t respond immediately, wordlessly urging him to continue, “I don’t deserve him.”

“Magnus. That boy _loves_ you. You should have seen him when you were in the infirmary.”

He didn’t see that. All he remembers from the infirmary is waking up and being told that he needed to let Lorenzo take his magic away… again. The room feels like it’s spinning and Magnus closes his eyes, trying to focus on the conversation.

“That doesn’t mean that I deserve him.”

“That doesn’t mean that you get to decide who he loves,” Catarina doesn’t miss a beat in her response. A small corner of his brain knows she’s right, but the devil that’s settled in the vast chasm that used to house his magic seems to have hit his second stride today. He shivers even though he knows he isn’t cold, but takes another sip hoping it will warm him up again anyway. He brings his attention back to the phone, to Catarina. _Right. Focus, Magnus._

“I thought… I thought that our relationship could be… _advantageous_ for both of us. Perhaps my position as the High Warlock could eventually win over the Clave,”

“Magnus,” he hears his friend sigh on the other end of the line, sympathetic, and his insides twist into tight knots.

“I know. It sounds pathetic to say that out loud.”

“No, it isn’t pathetic. But you don’t need to prove yourself to Alec.” Magnus’ jaw tenses; Catarina’s tenderness suddenly feeling like a heavy weight. Like pity.

“I’m sorry Catarina. You’re at work. I should let you go,” he mutters. He senses the fringes of his anger teasing its return, and he needs to get off the phone before he says something he regrets.

“Magnus, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through… but just remember, Alec Lightwood chose you. He wants you. Magic or not.”

_But who am I without my magic._

“...right. Thank you, Catarina. I’m sure that once I see him I’ll feel better.” He forces his mouth into a crooked smile, hoping the action itself will somehow make his tone warmer, and thinks he hits the right note (barely, but he has gotten some good practice in his conversations with Alec). 

“You going to drink some water for me?” She asks, her voice goes stern, maternal. It manages to soften Magnus’ smile, marginally, but it’s the most genuine his smile has felt since the morning.

“Yes, yes… Motherhood seems to suit you, Madzie’s really softened you up,” he jests.

“Magnus,” Magnus distinctly feels he’s about to get a scolding, and, to his surprise, it brings a chuckle out of him.

“I’ll be fine, Catarina,” he says distractedly, as if out of habit - like he doesn’t quite believe it himself, “I think my sense of wonder is just a little tired.”

“It’s a lot to adjust to. It’s okay for you to take your time. You know that, right?” She asks, her tone is nothing but loving and reassuring.

“Right,” he replies, because he knows it’s the correct response. It’s what Catarina needs to hear in the moment, and Magnus doesn’t want to worry her more than he already has.

“Okay, I have to go… you’re going to be okay? Do you want me to call Alec?”

“No, no. I’m fine. Thank you, Catarina,” he says shakily, but convincingly enough, thankful that Catarina isn’t here to see the wrinkle between his brows, and the fragility of his smile.

“Of course. You can call me anytime,” her voice is full of compassion, and Magnus knows she means it.

He hangs up the phone and places it gently on the table in front of him. He thinks of Alec, who will be preparing a beautiful dinner for them on the moonlit balcony. A kind, loving gesture for his poor, struggling boyfriend.

He orders another drink.

* * *

**You’d See You Shine, You Shine**

Get the family ring (check), decide on the menu and order the food (check and check), clear his schedule for the rest of the day (check), prepare the candles (did he get enough? Izzy said candles, lots and lots of candles are romantic, but she didn’t specify how many, and he had gotten more than he thought was needed just in case, but… fuck it - check) buy flowers... flowers.

“Shit,” Alec pulls his phone out and looks up the number for the florist a few blocks away; he dials the number without hesitation.

“De Luca Floral, how can we help you?” A cheery voice answers the ring, and Alec finds himself wincing at the brightness of her tone.

“Uh, I need to make an order for a bouquet of roses, for tonight,” as he starts speaking, he realizes he’s just hit the elevator call button to head to the ops center, where he will be in public, ordering flowers, for his boyfriend (hopefully fiance, by the end of the night). He mouths a silent curse, hoping that the elevator takes as long as possible to get to him.

“Sure! How many roses would you like in the bouquet? Also, did you have a specific color in mind?”

 _A color_? Alec watches the elevator make its way down to his floor. He brings his fingers to the bridge of his nose, rubbing at it as if he hopes it would make the conversation go faster.

“Uh, red?” _Those are romantic, right?_ He thinks to himself. The elevator doors open with a ding.

“Ohhhkaaaaay,” the clerk seems to be taking leisurely notes as she goes, uncaring of Alec’s rush, “and how many?” 

“Two dozen,” he says, and pushes the button for the ops center.

“Great - and a name for the order?”

“Alec Lightwood.” He’s watching the elevator pass by floor after floor, nearing his destination. He really doesn’t need anyone at the Institute hearing him ordering flowers, or worse, asking him what they’re for.

“Perfect! What time will you be over to pick them up? Date night, I gather? I’m sure they’ll be delighted, the last time my boyfriend bought me flowers -” the clerk on the other end is still talking when the elevator doors open up. Alec sees Jace standing at the entrance of the room, watching the other Shadowhunters work with his arms crossed.

“I need flowers. About two dozen roses by 8pm tonight. Thank you,” Alec cuts her off, muttering into the phone as he walks briskly out of the elevator. He hangs up without waiting for a response as he stands next to Jace with a big sigh. He’s barely settled into parade rest before his parabatai speaks.

“You’re nervous. Why are you nervous?” Jace asks without sparing him a glance.

His eyes dart toward his parabatai “what? I’m, I’m not nervous.”

“Yes you are. What’s going on,” it’s a statement, rather than a question, and Alec sighs.

“I’m, uh… proposing. To Magnus. Tonight.” Jace finally turns his face toward him, eyes wide.

“...what?” An excited smile blooms over his face when he realizes Alec isn’t messing with him, and a warmth spreads through Alec at his parabatai’s genuine excitement for him. “Are you serious? Alec, congratulations! You're about to make Magnus the happiest man in the world.” 

“Yeah,” Alec whispers, “I just want everything to… be perfect.”

“Listen to me. It’s not going to matter what you do or what you say. When he realizes he gets to spend the rest of his life... with you.”

Feeling more confident in his evening plans, Alec smiles at the encouragement. They both turn to face back toward the ops center, and the two settle into a comfortable silence.

Alec’s nervous, without doubt, but he is confident in Magnus’ feelings for him. He knows that Magnus has taken his loss of magic hard, but puts up a brave front for Alec. Still, there are moments where he sees the cracks in his facade. A roll of an eye (that he didn’t miss this morning), or a grimace when he intended a smile… he will never be able to understand what the loss of magic may feel like, but he hopes that together, it would be something they could overcome. And he hopes that the proposal would reaffirm Magnus that Alec isn’t going anywhere. That he’ll be there to hold him until he’s feeling right - to keep his hand in his own, and never let go; he remembers how Magnus guided him through the early stages of their relationship, and he is ready to take the lead now until Magnus feels like he can stand on his own again. His heart swells as he lets his thoughts wander to Magnus, but it’s colored by a hint of pain. His jaw tightens as the feeling spreads.

“You alright?” Jace asks, noticing Alec’s change in stance.

“Yeah…” he huffs, releasing a long breath, “I just… I know Magnus hasn’t been feeling his best since losing his magic.” Jace nods, encouraging Alec to continue. While Magnus has been hiding it well, those who are close to him have guessed that he was more affected than he let on.

“Maybe, I just thought… maybe this would lift his spirits,” the words stumble out of him, heat rising in Alec’s cheeks, “so that maybe when he looks back on this time, at least he’d have this to look back on. And it won’t be all bad,” he finishes, feeling ridiculous and juvenile, and resolutely not looking at Jace. But all he feels is a hand, strong and warm against his shoulder, and Alec tilts his head over to glance at Jace.

“He’s lucky to have you,” he says simply, and warmth - happiness - spreads through Alec through their shared rune.

“Not as lucky as I am,” Alec repeats the words from the morning, and smiles.

* * *

He’s running late. Alec hates running late (especially on such an important night). He weaves his way through the tired-looking mundanes who are headed home after a long day of work, as he makes his way to the flower shop to pick up the roses. He goes through all the details for what feels like the hundredth time today. He’s prepared a speech; he hasn’t written it down, but has rehearsed it several times in his head. He finds himself going through the lines again and again as he walks down the busy New York streets.

_I was lost til I found you_

He remembers never feeling _right_ , always feeling the need to deny his feelings. His feelings for Jace acting as a placeholder for something he felt he could never have. Feeling so confused and angry all the time. Alec almost can’t recognize himself in his memories.

Then Magnus happened.

On their first date, he wasn’t sure if they would last the night - he almost ended it himself before they even had a chance to get started, thinking they were destined to burn. His mouth twists down at the memory. But they hadn’t.

_I know you’d never leave me behind_

There were so many moments when Alec didn’t know what he was doing, only moving forward with the trust in his love for Magnus. Even when they lost their ways, they always found their ways back to each other. Because it was Magnus and him, and they made sense in ways that were inexplicable to those who didn’t know them, but fit perfectly in all the ways that mattered. They put in the effort and built their story, brick by brick. His grimace softens, his hazel eyes warm. If Izzy saw Alec in the moment, she would be teasing him with a delighted smirk.

He sees the sign for De Luca Floral, simple but elegant cursive writing surrounded by colorful flowers, and opens the door. A bell rings as he enters.

“Hi, how can I help you?”

The same cheery voice that greeted him over the phone greets him again, a small woman with a ringing voice. She smiles widely with bright red lips.

“Hi, I’m here to pick up a bouquet of roses? Alec Lightwood.”

“Oh, you hung up on me,” the clerk narrows her eyes suspiciously.

“Uh, yeah… I’m sorry. About that. I’m trying to surprise my boyfriend, and I thought he might hear me?” Alec lies unconvincingly, but it seems to be enough to convince the woman who honest-to-god _squeals_.

“A surprise?! I LOVE hearing about surprise date plans! Well lucky for you, I don’t slack on my arrangements -” she shuffles to the back of the store where she has her displays across the wall, adding with a wink “- even for the rudest customers!”

Alec puts on a stiff smile, suddenly overwhelmed by the huge amount of energy bursting out of such a tiny woman.

“So! Is this a special occasion?” She asks, as she leans up on her tip-toes to pull down a gorgeous arrangement of deep red roses and baby’s breath. There were some other green leaves that she had incorporated in the arrangement, elegantly framing the rich red of the roses.

“Uh, yeah. I’m planning on… proposing,” Alec startles himself as the words leave his mouth, unsure of why he’s spilling this information so readily to a stranger who had just called him her ‘rudest customer’. His brows knit together even as the clerk’s eyes go wide in excitement.

“OH SO ROMANTIC!” Alec reflexively flinches, he didn’t realize a human could speak in such high frequencies; and he’s been in a room with Izzy and Clary as they excitedly discussed their love lives (not because he wanted to, but because, to his dismay, they seem to have no shame in discussing these things in public). The clerk places the bouquet on the counter with care.

“In that case the eucalyptus is on the house,” she says, her voice ecstatic.

Alec stares at her, stunned. He isn’t sure how someone can be so excited for a complete stranger, but here was this person, ringing up his bouquet with a discount. Just because she’s excited for his plans.

“He must be something special,” she muses as she fidgets with some of the flowers on the edges. Alec’s mouth is open again before he realizes,

“He is. Very, magical,” it spills out of him, and he fails to stifle the small huff of laughter that follows the comment. He remembers telling Lydia the same, when she asked about him. And it’s still just as true, regardless of whether Magnus has magic or not.

“Aw, that’s so sweet,” the clerk coos, “you’re so in love, I can see it! I’m so happy for you.”

“Thank you,” he responds, and Alec’s surprised to find that he means it, “the arrangement is perfect. He’ll love it.”

The woman beams, and proceeds to ring him up.

Alec leaves the shop in a hurry - he still has more to set up on the balcony (he has so many candles....), and his nerves are back with full-force. He starts going through his lines again to distract himself as he heads back to the Institute.

_I’ve learned in love and death we don’t decide_

Living life as a mortal wasn’t something that Magnus chose; it was thrust upon him. A consequence of the sacrifice he made for Alec, knowing that Alec couldn’t lose Jace. The thought of mortality is a harsh reminder of what he’s lost, and Alec knows that the adjustment hasn’t been easy for Magnus. That he conflates his magic with strength, and isn’t convinced of his worth without it. They can’t all be soldiers, and they don’t need to be. Alec sees Magnus’ strength in so much more than that. As he remembers his boyfriend in the infirmary, asking how Alec could possibly love him without his magic, his pace falters. Alec can’t always provide solace with just his words, but he wants to be there, next to Magnus, every step of the way. As partners - as _husbands_. Just the thought of possibly being able to call Magnus Bane his _husband_ someday makes his breath hitch.

Alec never knew that he could find a love so deep, someone who would make him so happy. He had all but given up on love until he met Magnus, convinced he would be stuck in a loveless marriage with a woman who his parents approved of. It may have been easier, but if he had to do it over again, Alec knows with complete certainty that he would choose Magnus every single time.

The Institute isn’t as busy at this time in the evening. Most of the Shadowhunters are out on patrol, a smattering of the remaining are spread out either in the ops center or the training rooms. Still, Alec all but runs into the elevator, not wanting to run into anyone who would question him about the massive bouquet he’s brought back.

He steps out of the elevator, and makes his way out to the balcony, setting the flowers down on the table outside. The moon is out, still hovering low above the skyline, and it reminds Alec of the evenings he and Magnus spent out on the loft balcony. A smile spreads over Alec’s face at the memories, and he feels excitement flutter in his chest. They overtake the nerves as Alec begins to realize that this could be the start to the rest of their lives. He finds the matches Magnus had tucked away in his night table for the candles he likes to light when he takes his baths, and starts lighting the candles that have been spread across the balcony. It’s just under a quarter to 8, and Alec’s world narrows down to the task in front of him.

Light the candles, place the flowers in a vase at the center of the table, turn on the fairy lights…

And with a warm, adoring smile (that he couldn’t hold back even if he tried), he thinks of everything he wants to say to his boyfriend - and (hopefully) soon-to-be husband.

_If only you could see yourself in my eyes_

_You’d see you shine, you shine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The would-have-been proposal scene crushes my heart every time I watch it…  
> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are always always appreciated :) They truly make my day!
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	8. Rome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And Nephilim—we tend to love very overwhelmingly. To fall in love only once, to die of grief over love”  
> \-- Cassandra Clare
> 
> ***
> 
> 5 times everything was perfect, and the 1 time he lost it all.  
> A series of (mostly) fluffy timestamps from Alec and Magnus’ relationship.
> 
> Inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s “Rome”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with another 5+1 for Alec. I’ve been excited and dreading this chapter, and I’m not sure if it turned out exactly as I wanted it to (hence the late posting - sorry!), but I hope you enjoy!
> 
> It’s surprisingly mostly fluff… kind of.

**1\. You can run around infinite in my head**

The red and gold sheen is what caused him to stop. The colors reminded him of the vibrant Warlock, who was looking at an antique vase at one of the stores right outside the temple. Alec picked up what looked like a small sachet with timid fingers, still not used to traveling the world and learning the different customs, when a clerk came up to the window.

“It brings good luck and protection, it’s called ‘omamori’,” her English was accented, but she was clearly used to foreign customers. He could still see Magnus at the store staring at two very similar-looking vases intently (Magnus likes to feign horror when Alec doesn’t “appreciate” his art pieces).

“How much?” He whispered, even though there was no way for his boyfriend to hear him from where he was, he didn’t want to ruin the surprise. He fiddled with the bills and coins that Magnus had handed him when they first arrived as the woman packed up the charm in a delicate paper bag. She was taking time and care to pack the gift, adding some extra tissue in the bag, and Alec could feel himself starting to get fidgety. His eyes kept darting over to Magnus, who was looking like he had finally made up his mind on which brown vase he wanted to purchase, and was getting the attention of the shopkeeper.

The gift didn’t _have_ to be a surprise, but after all that Magnus has done for him, and as silly and small as the gesture may seem, he wants to give something back. But the woman at the shop was taking her damn time, moving in slow motion, unaware of Alec’s plight (every memory with Magnus seems to run in slow motion now. It isn’t unwelcome - Alec wants every moment to last as long as it possibly can). Finally, she smiled down at her handiwork and handed it to Alec, thanking him for his purchase. Alec bowed his head, slightly, as he had seen others do in thanks. He tucked the little bag in his jacket pocket just as Magnus was finishing up his purchase at the shop and began to look around in search of his wandering boyfriend. Alec’s hand settled gently on Magnus’ lower back as he walked up.

“Hey, you got what you wanted?”

“Yes, darling. Thank you for letting me stop by before dinner. Anything interesting at the temple?”

Alec let out a noncommittal hum, and looked back at the ornate iron and wood gates that mark the entrance of the holy space.

“Did you know that the Japanese are very spiritual?” Magnus continued, unbothered by Alec’s indifference.

“No,” he replies, honestly.

“The people come to temples and shrines to pray for good fortune, or to make wishes and to give thanks,” Magnus continued, gesturing toward the temple altar, “we should do it.”

“Make a wish?” Alec felt a little lost in the conversation, but that wasn’t an unusual feeling when talking to the Warlock.

“Or give thanks,” Magnus shrugged, “when in Rome, right?”

“Well, technically we’re in Tokyo…”

“Alexander.” Magnus’ eyebrow was raised, looking perfectly unimpressed.

“Okay, sure.” Conceding to Magnus was never difficult. It was something Alec was learning quickly.

The altar appeared to be in front of the main building, there were a few couples and a family lined up in front of them. Each went through the same process; toss the money in the money box, ring the bell, bow twice, clap twice, pray, and bow again. Alec felt a familiar discomfort, like he didn’t belong, as he waited for them to get to the front of the line. Alec had never given much thought to beliefs outside of the Shadow World. The world he lived in was chaotic enough, he was comfortable with following the will of the Angels, and never sought for more.

The money box and the surrounding altar were modest, but well built with each wooden piece slotting in perfectly with the next. They tossed their coins, and Alec turned his attention to the rope attached to the large bells. The rope was thick enough that Alec had to grasp it with both hands to give it a good shake; the resulting ring was dull, but echoed through the air around them.

Two bows, two claps, and Alec dutifully closed his eyes, following Magnus’ lead.

The world suddenly went silent around them, as Alec focused inward. What did he have to pray about? To wish for?

_“The people come to temples and shrines to pray for good fortune, or to make wishes and to give thanks”_

He remembered Magnus telling him, and found his eyes opening to shift toward the Warlock next to him. He supposed he had plenty to give thanks for. He looked back up at the altar and awkwardly adjusted his weight on his feet as he tried to think of what to say. He closed his eyes tightly, hands at prayer in front of him.

Praying to a god that wasn’t his was accompanied by a unique unease for Alec, but the sentiment was true regardless of who was listening. And whether it be a spirit or an angel, he hoped someone heard (he thinks of all the moments that he’s yet to experience, he doesn’t want to miss a single one). He heard a rustle next to him as Magnus was bowing deep. Alec mimicked his movements, almost forgetting the last bow, and they turned around and left the altar, hand in hand. He tensed a little when he noticed people staring at their entwined fingers, but Magnus didn’t flinch (Magnus’ confidence always emboldens Alec in ways he never felt capable). Alec started drifting back into his thoughts, as Magnus excitedly tugged on his arm.

“Oh look, a photobooth!” He pointed his big doe eyes at Alec, full of expectations.

“...you want to go in?” Alec asked with a sigh, and Magnus broke into a grin.

“When in Rome, Alexander!”

“Tokyo,” he tried to sound disinterested, but the fondness was clear in his voice.

(Perhaps the spirits heard him that day - the day is deeply etched into his memories. Nothing special, just one of their trips out of many, but those are some of his favorites because they were all moments shared with Magnus)

* * *

**2\. All it changed once I had that**

“Ah, the famous bacon burger of the East Village!”

Magnus held the towering burger gingerly with his perfectly manicured fingers like it was a foreign object, and Alec couldn’t suppress his laughter that bubbled up at the sight. He had never seen the Warlock look so out of his element before, and the laughter just came bursting out.

“Alexander! Are you mocking me?” Magnus feigned a perturbed scowl, but Alec could easily see the affection in his (always expressive) eyes.

“You just,” he huffed out between bouts of laughter, “you look like you’ve never held a burger before.”

He laughed freely, feeling tears start to well in the edges of his eyes. He reached a finger up to wipe it away before it could fall and let out a content sigh before he noticed that the usually talkative Magnus had gone awfully quiet. He pointed a quizzical look at his boyfriend across the booth of the old school diner that was Alec’s little hole-in-the-wall (the owners now know Alec and Magnus by name; by the time they order their bacon burgers, they’re pretty much ready at the pass), and Magnus was looking at him with his eyes narrowed.

“What?” He asked, shifting uncomfortably under the scrutiny, “is something on my face?”

His boyfriend just shakes his head, and Alec can now see the warm glimmer in the golden specks of Magnus’ eyes.

“I can’t remember hearing you laugh like that before,” he smiled, fondly. Alec wasn’t used to that sort of adoration (he’ll never tire of Magnus’ loving voice), and he felt heat rise to his cheeks at the words.

“Oh,” the response came out breathy, like he wasn’t sure what he was trying to vocalize, which, to be fair, he wasn’t. Magnus put down his burger and wiped his fingers on the napkin placed neatly on his lap (his manners are always impeccable, no matter where you bring them man). He reached across the table and placed his hand on Alec’s, squeezing it a tiny bit. His hands were warmer - Alec wondered if the magic running through Warlocks somehow kept them warm.

“I like it,” the gentle tone in his voice made something inside Alec twist into knots. It must have shown on his face, because Magnus’ soft smile curved up into a grin “I like you.”

 _Oh_ , Alec thought again, but thankfully his brain managed to filter out the thought before it reached his mouth this time. He felt the blush in his face, no doubt in full effect at this point.

“I, uh, like you, too,” he muttered, not at all suave like his boyfriend. Alec’s lack of experience showed in moments like these, but Magnus didn’t seem to care (he never seems to care; he takes what Alec gives without complaint, and never pushes for more than Alec is capable of giving), appreciatively humming in response.

“Well, I think we should try this bacon burger of yours!” He pulled his hand back as he looked back down at his plate - Alec missed the weight of his hand immediately.

Magnus’ warmth was a comforting feeling. Alec never considered himself a touchy person, but since being with Magnus, he found himself seeking out physical touch more than he expected. Magnus would indulge him - and seemed to enjoy doing so - holding his hand, running his fingers through his hair, rubbing circles on his back. Alec would often do the same for his boyfriend as well. The touch was grounding, settling Alec’s constant thoughts so he could focus on the present. Sometimes they were the only thing that would slow down the thoughts; muffling them, as if they were submerged in water. Now that he had experienced it, he wasn’t sure how he lived life without Magnus’ touch until then.

He grabbed Magnus’ hand before it picked up his food again and brought his fingers up to his mouth, laying a gentle kiss on his soft fingertips.

“...oh,” Magnus exhaled. Alec felt a rush of pride hearing Magnus’ voice - airy and seemingly affected. Like Alec could take his breath away (it blows Alec’s mind to know that he can have that effect on _the_ Magnus Bane).

“Let’s get to it, then,” he said with a grin, letting go of Magnus’ hand. He went to grab the burger, and looked over to see Magnus yet again holding his burger at his fingertips, trying not to dirty his hands, and Alec couldn’t help it. A hearty belly laugh rang across the diner.

(He isn’t sure how he managed unencumbered _joy_ before Magnus)

* * *

**3\. I just want to be there again**

The view was breathtaking. It almost seemed cliche to say, but it was an accurate depiction of how he felt. They were walking through the Roman Forum, and Alec couldn’t believe the history that was preserved in the middle of a bustling city. Magnus was telling stories about his various exploits from a previous century. Alec had been laughing along until they arrived at the beautifully constructed pillars.

“It really is quite beautiful,” Magnus pointed a sly smile at Alec, seemingly satisfied by the Shadowhunter’s amazement. Alec nodded, still unable to put together a full sentence.

“I can’t believe it took me this long to bring you to Rome,” Magnus chuckled.

“You’ve taken me to so many brand new places, Magnus,” his voice came across in a chiding way, but Alec wanted Magnus to know that he wasn’t with him for the magic (it was never about the magic).

Magnus seemed unbothered by Alec’s tone or he simply understood his intentions. He hooked his hand around the crook of Alec’s arm, “I love being able to share these experiences with you.”

They wandered through the city, winding in and out of shops and sampling the various street foods. Magnus knew a small gelateria in an alley in one of the smaller neighborhoods, not overrun by tourists - “that’s how you know they’re good,” he laughed. They sat down in front of the Pantheon with their gelato, and Alec was overcome with how surreal the day had been. Magnus would often portal them around the world, sampling authentic cuisines or taking a day trip to a landmark, but the history in the city was felt everywhere.

“If I had known you would be so taken by Rome, I would have brought you here much sooner.” Magnus’ eyes glimmered with excitement (he loves bringing joy to others, without ever asking for anything in return) as he took a bite from his pistachio dessert. His lips curved up in delight.

“To be fair, I didn’t realize how taken I would be myself,” Alec sighed in response, amused, “I guess I always enjoyed history, but never expected to be able to take a daytrip to see it like this.”

“Well then,” adorning a coy smile (not cryptic, Alec’s learned the difference), Magnus grabbed his hand that didn’t hold his gelato - stracciatella, the clerk had recommended it when she noticed how overwhelmed Alec was by the variety presented to him - “I have a few more surprises up my sleeve.”

Being with Magnus sometimes felt like being stuck in a hurricane - Alec never knew what was coming next (but Alec doesn’t mind where they land. It’s all part of the excitement of loving Magnus). Alec had gotten comfortable letting him lead them around their international adventures, relying on his knowledge and vast experiences.

“We’ll have to be glamored,” he explained with an air of nonchalance, waving his hand casually “and I’ll portal us in.”

He only grinned when Alec pointed a suspicious look his way.

“You’ll love it, dear.”

And Alec did love it. The place Magnus wanted to take him ended up being deep inside St. Peter’s Basilica, where Magnus gave him a personal tour through all the rooms, including those that were off limits from tours. Alec marveled at how the sunlight hit the colorfully decorated tiles, somehow making the colors more vibrant. Something about the lack of people and noise made the magnificence of the architecture and design stand out even more. The only sounds surrounding them came from the clergy who occasionally walked by, blissfully unaware of the two intruders - of whose entwined hands they would most likely frown upon. There was a victorious feeling, walking hand in hand with his boyfriend in that space. They wandered around the halls laughing, as Magnus regaled him with some truly scandalous stories about high-ranking members of the clergy who apparently were big partiers on the down-low (he never tires of Magnus’ stories, and Magnus never seems to tire of telling them).

“I have one last surprise for you today,” Magnus said as they headed to the exit after exploring all the nooks and crannies of the basilica. Alec’s heart swelled when he thought of all the planning Magnus must have put into the day. He couldn’t help the giddy smile that spread across his face.

“Yeah? Where are we headed?”

“We’ll be glamored again. A little sunset picnic at this place called the Colosseum.” Alec barked out a laugh at the idea, because of course that’s what Magnus planned (Magnus tends to be the “go big or go home” type, which is something Alec admires, as it doesn’t hold that same confidence). He wrapped an arm around his boyfriend’s waist and placed a soft kiss on his temple.

“Let’s go then.”

Naturally, because this was Magnus, they were isolated from the other tourists, spreading out in a corner inaccessible by tours. Magnus conjured them a truly impressive picnic spread of wine and charcuteries; they sat with an uninterrupted view of the sunset, which was painting the historic city below them in a warm glow of red, purple, and orange. Magnus sat between Alec’s legs, leaning back into his chest. Alec rubbed small circles on his stomach with his thumb, as he sipped the crisp wine that Magnus poured for him. The silence was comfortable; Magnus was gazing at the skies where the few clouds reflected the colors of the setting sun.

“This is nice,” Magnus whispered, and Alec nuzzled into Magnus’ hair (he loves the quiet moments just as much as he loves the adventures), “I wish we could stay a bit longer than a day.”

Alec hummed in agreement, thinking of all he needed to do once he returned to New York. It took Magnus more than a little convincing for Alec to take the day off, let alone multiple days.

“I guess we’ll just have to come back,” Alec murmured into his boyfriend’s ear, lightly kissing the ridge as he sat back up. He felt the Warlock shiver a bit in his arms - so he pulled him in a bit closer, finding comfort in sharing warmth.

(He just wants to be there again)

* * *

**4\. So, dance carefree, I hope it’s easier knowing me**

“Come on, Alexander - I’ll lead. It’ll be fun!”

Alec knew that he was going to end up looking like an absolute fool, and that this would be anything but fun, but he saw the childlike twinkle in his boyfriend’s eye, and his face softened.

They were in the loft, a late afternoon that Alec managed to get off with some help from Underhill who knew Alec was barely getting time to spend with his boyfriend, and the room was bright with the natural light. Magnus had moved some of the furniture in the living room to the sides of the room, already anticipating that Alec would indulge him in the matter (because really, how could he ever deny this man anything?).

“Okay, but you know how this went last time… if all your toes get bruised, I’m not claiming responsibility,” he warned, but a grin was breaking out on his face and he knew the threat was unconvincing.

“I thought you had that ‘Shadowhunter grace’ you once told me about!” Magnus teased as he twirled around, light on his feet. Alec had always admired the grace with which Magnus moved - elegant and smooth - as if every move was choreographed. He walked over to his record collection; Magnus seemed to enjoy putting on records as opposed to just playing music from his phone. A gentle smile spread across his face as he watched Magnus intently look for the record he had in mind.

“Here we go,” his voice was quiet, like he was talking to himself, and he walked over to place it on the turntable. After a few scratchy notes, the dulcet sounds of trumpets and horns floated through the room.

“Are you ready?” Magnus was beaming as he extended a hand toward the Shadowhunter. The sun lit up his smooth skin, and illuminated the excitement in his eyes that no longer held his Warlock mark. Since Asmodeus took Magnus’ magic, it wasn’t often that Alec got to see his boyfriend look so giddy and excited, and Alec felt his heart skip a beat. He took his love’s hand.

“Just follow my steps,” he made it sound easy, as he started them with a ‘simple’ two-step. Alec couldn’t stop staring down at his feet, trying to make sure that he was following Magnus’ properly.

“Alexander,” he looked up at the soft voice (the way Magnus says his name is always so full of affection and everything Alec’s ever wanted) and was met with warm, brown eyes, wrinkling at the edges in delight, “there you are. Just follow my lead. Don’t worry about your feet.”

He pulled Alec even closer, kissed his cheek, and swayed to the music with Alec in his arms. Alec felt his heart rate rise as he let Magnus hold him close and lead his movements, a faint blush crept up to his cheeks where he could still feel the ghost of Magnus’ lips. It wasn’t a new revelation, but it surprised Alec every time he felt the flutters as if it were their first time (he knows he will never grow tired of Magnus).

Magnus hummed along with the music as he added a few extra steps and eventually a couple of twirls, but eased Alec into each new move with some gentle nudging and his expert leading. Alec stil stepped on Magnus’ feet a few times, but Magnus didn’t let it slow them down. By the time the record cut off, the carefree laughter of the two men filled the room. Magnus was still twirling Alec, even after the music cut off, and the taller man stumbled a little on his feet as he lost the beat of the music. Both narrowed their eyes with unbridled joy, wide smiles adorned their faces.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Magnus asked, as he pulled Alec in from the twirl, landing him straight back into his arms. They’re both slightly out of breath from laughing and dancing.

“I’m sure I stepped on your feet every other step I took,” Alec raised an eyebrow, but Magnus just waved his hand to dismiss the retort.

“Great improvement from the last time we danced, I’d say,” he winked. Alec couldn’t stifle the huff of laughter that escaped him - he was a nightmare the first time Magnus had asked him to dance with him. Magnus eyes him with a satisfied smirk as he continued, “you’ll just have to keep practicing, and you’ll be a pro in no time.”

“Only if you’ll be my partner,” Alec insisted, only half-jokingly, mainly because he hated feeling incompetent around others. He hated it with Magnus as well, but if dancing would bring Magnus joy, then Alec would dance. The answer, however, seemed to stun Magnus, who quieted for a moment (Alec regrets not asking him what he was thinking in that moment, but it didn’t feel right to ask).

“Oh darling -” his tone was suddenly delicate - soft and full of feeling. He placed his hand on Alec’s cheek, gently rubbing his thumb against the ridge of his cheekbones. Alec’s eyes fluttered close at the touch.

He tilted his chin down and kissed him. The kiss was gentle, unrushed, and immediately filled Alec with the same overwhelming love and happiness he felt every time he kissed Magnus. Alec didn’t think he could ever get tired of that feeling. As they parted, Alec slowly blinked open his eyes and saw Magnus smiling up at him from beneath his eyelashes.

“-always.”

(Alec never intended to cut “always” short)

* * *

**5\. I don’t ever want to leave when you cry**

“Where are we going, darling?”

Magnus sounded wary as Alec guided them out of the subway station. They had left the Institute after dinner, which was slightly unusual for them recently unless Alec had patrols.

“I just thought we could have a quiet night out. Just the two of us,” Alec said, somewhat distractedly. He wasn’t sure about taking Magnus to Brooklyn, unsure if the burrough was still too harsh of a reminder of the life he lost. If it was, however, Magnus was hiding it well. He just looked adorably confused at Alec’s plans.

“What are we doing in Brooklyn?” He asked, the crease between his brows deepened as Alec led him across the street, “are we going to the cemetery, Alec?”

Alec nervously bit at his lip at Magnus’ incredulous tone, “uhm, yeah. There’s a lot less light pollution, and…”

“The Amateur Astronomer’s Association hosts stargazing events here occasionally,” Magnus finished the thought. Hearing the lessened suspicious tone in his voice, Alec releases a small sigh of relief.

“They do at least one event a year here, and this year it happens to be… tonight,” he glanced at his boyfriend, who was a step behind him. Magnus was looking at him with a soft smile that never failed to elicit a grin out of him as well (sometimes all he needs is Magnus’ smile to turn his mood around).

“That’s very romantic, Alexander,” his voice was almost a purr, and Alec felt a light blush creep up the back of his neck. He tightened his grasp on Magnus’ hand.

“Just thought it was a nice way to get away for a bit. From the Institute, and the crowds.” He tipped his head toward the cemetery. Magnus tugged gently on his arm, from where their hands were intertwined, and pulled Alec down so that he could drop a kiss on his cheek.

“This is perfect,” he whispered (just the memory of Magnus whispering breath, and his lips on his cheeks can bring goosebumps to Alec’s skin).

The AAA members were extremely knowledgeable of the stars, teaching Alec and Magnus about the different stars visible through the light pollution of New York, which was not as prominent in the large cemetery. Apparently they caught the event on a great day, and even managed to spot Saturn’s rings through the telescope that was set up in the walking path. Alec marveled at the number of stars they managed to see. He had picked the event thinking Magnus would enjoy it, but a part of him was skeptical of actually being able to see anything significant.

“That was absolutely fabulous!” Magnus sighed happily as they sat down on a bench, deeper in the cemetery after they said their thank yous and goodbyes to the group.

“Yeah? I’m glad you liked it.” Alec wrapped an arm around Magnus’ shoulder, sharing his warmth with him. Magnus used to be a human furnace before he lost his magic to Asmodeus, but Alec didn’t mind having to snuggle up a bit closer to keep him warm now. Nestling his head in Alec’s shoulder, Magnus easily leaned into the hold.

“I know you like the night sky. The moon, and stuff.”

He grimaced at his own eloquence, he was never one for words. But Magnus just chuckled kindly in response.

“I do like the moon a lot,” he hummed, “it makes me think of you, actually. After I first met you… I went home and was having a drink on the balcony. I remember calling Ragnor and telling him about you.”

“You did?” The surprise was evident in his voice.

“You left quite the impression, darling,” Magnus laughed, “Ragnor convinced me to act on my feelings for you that night. I remember the moon was so bright…”

Alec pulled Magnus a little closer.

“I used to hate the moon before that. But now it makes me think of that night, and my feelings for you,” he pointed a bright smile up to Alec.

The emotions swelled out of nowhere, in an instant; they were almost overwhelming, and Alec wondered how one person could contain all those emotions within themselves (Alec never knew he could love in the way he loves Magnus - he didn’t think he was capable of feelings so strong). He leaned down and kissed Magnus, with a little more intensity than was polite in public. Magnus lay his hand on Alec’s cheek and leaned into the kiss without hesitation.

“Too, uh, too bad the moon isn’t bright today,” Alec muttered breathily when they finally parted.

“Mm, but it makes it easier to see the stars, I suppose.” He nuzzled into Alec’s neck, laying a gentle kiss to his deflect rune (always the deflect rune - it feels special every time he activates it, now), and turned to look back up to the sky, “Alexander, look!”

Alec looked up just in time to catch the tail end of the shooting star, “did you make a wish?”

His boyfriend just gazed at him, eyes brimming with adoration (his eyes looked wet with tears, full of emotion, and Alec remembers how he wanted to wipe away the tears). Alec’s arm tightened around his boyfriend without him realizing it.

“What would I need to wish for? As long as you’re by my side, everything I want is right here.” Magnus tilted his head up for another kiss, and Alec readily obliged.

(He doesn’t want to take a single kiss for granted)

* * *

**+1. Your soul is yours, but I’ll help it move if I can**

The night air is cold, and the wind bites into Alec as he walks through the crowded streets of New York. His mind is busy, running through memories that he’s built with Magnus: making wishes at a Japanese temple, laughing at the diner in the East Village, indulging in glamored picnics in Rome, dancing in the Brooklyn loft, and stargazing at the Evergreen Cemetery. He can’t help but wish he could relive them all. Each one picks at him, tightening the coil around his heart. It all feels wrong, and Alec can barely breathe as he walks up to his mother’s shop. The shop is dimly lit, clear to anyone outside that it’s closed, but Alec could see Magnus inside, flipping through dusty pages of old books. His eyes are focused, and a small wrinkle forming between his brows.

He stands still, watching the man in the shop. His insides are churning, and a siren rings loudly in brain, telling him to just walk away.

_What about you? Can you recover?_

He hears Izzy’s voice in his head, the sadness seeping into every word. His fingers curl into fists, nails digging into his palms.

 _“Nephilim love once -- fiercely._ ”

It was Underhill who had told Alec this, and it wasn’t something that Alec had fully considered until he spoke with Izzy about Asmodeus’ deal. Alec thinks of Magnus on the balcony last night. Honest words encouraged by alcohol - the pain freely spilling out of him. Alec didn’t know what to say, he still doesn’t. He will never understand the depth of Magnus’ sacrifice; but what he saw was clear. Magnus feels broken, and there’s nothing Alec can do to help him feel whole again… except, well, this. A searing pain rushes through him at the thought, and Alec isn’t sure if it’s the thought of what he’s about to do, or if it’s the thought of Magnus’ deep pain (both, probably).

It’s an opportunity to give Magnus a piece of his soul back. It was his, and he should have never had to give it up. He tries to think of it as giving Magnus life, giving him a chance at all the happiness he deserves. The sharp edges of the ache in his heart dulls slightly. He’ll have the photos, the moments, the memories. He’ll cherish them for his lifetime. It will be enough - it has to be enough.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He tries to channel the ironclad mask of indifference that he hid behind all those years growing up (all before he met Magnus - because Magnus truly _sees_ Alec, just as he is), and steels himself before he takes the final step. He lifts his knuckles to the door and hesitates. Images of Magnus revolving in his mind - overwhelming love and grief mixing into wretched turmoil. He feels bile rise in the back of his throat.

_Quickly, before you change your mind._

He knocks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Malec breakup in season 3 is another soul crusher. Every time I watch it.  
> This is the end of the angst heavy chapters! I for one am ready to take that turn :)
> 
> Kudos and comments continue to make my days, so thank you always!
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	9. Outnumbered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, you know, that time Alec wanted me to turn him into a vampire?” He repeats with the same enthusiastic smile as the first time, but the humor seems to have died down; Izzy nudges him gently on the shoulder trying to get him to stop, her lips nervously pulled tight in a thin line.  
> “Simon, I don’t think,” she starts, but doesn’t get a chance to finish her thought.  
> “No need to stop him, Isabelle. I am very interested in this story! Simon, please, tell me, when did my darling husband ask you to turn him into a vampire?” With a resounding clink, Magnus haphazardly places his wine glass on his side table, and rests his chin on his knuckles, elbow leaning on the arm rest of the sofa.
> 
> ***
> 
> Magnus finds out Alec almost had Simon turn him into a vampire.
> 
> Inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s “Outnumbered”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short, fluffy fic of the boys being soft husbands.  
> This may be the first full fluff fic in this anthology…! It was a fun one to write, and I hope you enjoy it!

Laughter erupts around the room, leaving Magnus and Alec behind - one looking utterly confused, and the other embarrassed. Magnus can see Alec bring his drink up to his mouth from the corner of his eye, and he knows that his husband ( _husband_ \- he still feels giddy at the thought, despite his current confusion) isn’t planning on explaining himself. Magnus pushes himself up from where he was leaning against the Shadowhunter. Alec’s eyes shoot toward him, and he can see the slight concern building in them.

“I’m sorry, Simon. Do you mind repeating that again?”

They were hosting a small dinner party for friends, now that Alec and Magnus had returned from their honeymoon and settled back down a bit. Jace, Izzy, Simon, and Maia had come over to their Brooklyn loft and they were telling stories with drinks when Simon had mentioned,

“Oh, you know, that time Alec wanted me to turn him into a vampire?” He repeats with the same enthusiastic smile as the first time, but the humor seems to have died down; Izzy nudges him gently on the shoulder trying to get him to stop, her lips nervously pulled tight in a thin line.

“Simon, I don’t think,” she starts, but doesn’t get a chance to finish her thought.

“No need to stop him, Isabelle. I am _very_ interested in this story! Simon, please, tell me. When did my darling husband ask you to turn him into a _vampire_?” With a resounding _clink_ , Magnus haphazardly places his wine glass on his side table, and rests his chin on his knuckles, elbow leaning on the arm rest of the sofa.

“Uh - when you were… in Edom?” His voice is hesitant now, realizing that Magnus isn’t finding the story as amusing as he thought he would, “we found out that Lilith was putting together an army to defeat you. To be fair, it was before we figured out we could use the Alliance Rune, and he was trying to find a way to get into Edom! Like, he was totally trying to save you all heroic and stuff.”

Magnus’ eyebrows dart up in surprise; however he expects this story to go, this is definitely not it. He turns his eyes to his husband, who, if looks could kill is now shooting daggers at Simon.

“Alexander,” his voice is barely above a whisper, he isn’t quite sure what his eyes might be relaying, but is afraid they’re full of more emotion than he wishes to give away, “were you really willing to become a vampire? Just to come to Edom?”

The room falls silent, and all eyes are on Alec, whose mouth is opening and closing as he looks for words.

“I… it was an idea. Admittedly not well thought out,” he mumbles into his wine glass. Jace snorts at the comment.

“Well that’s an understatement.” The gibe earns him a smack and a glare from Maia.

“No, it wasn’t, was it,” agrees Magnus, and then he leans back into Alec’s chest - he grabs his arm and wraps it around himself, reveling in the warmth of the Shadowhunter, “who would have kept me warm if you had turned yourself into a vampire?”

He feels Alec’s body release some tension and he pulls Magnus in closer to him.

“As if you aren’t a living furnace yourself,” Alec jokes. He kisses Magnus on his head, and the corners of Magnus’ eyes crinkle in a smile.

“Ugh, get a room!” Maia throws (what seems to be) an M&M at them from across the coffee table. The group falls back into easy banter (much to Simon’s relief, if Magnus were to guess from his big sigh once he figured the topic didn’t derail the entire night), but the thought lingers at the back of Magnus’ mind.

They call it a night after plenty more laughter and drinks; Simon has had enough to drink that Izzy has to practically carry him home through a portal with Jace’s help. Maia laughs at the plight of the siblings, pleasantly buzzed herself. It has been too long since they are all able to enjoy a quiet night without distractions or imminent threats, and it warms Magnus to see his friends happy. He can’t help the slight tightness in his chest when he thinks how the group doesn’t feel quite complete without Clary, but he lets the thought go.

Soon the two start washing dishes (Alec insists they do this the mundane way every now and then - he finds it centering and Magnus indulges him), soft jazz plays in the background while they work in silence.

“We never talked about the time when I was in Edom,” Magnus starts. He isn’t sure if Alec would want to talk about it, but he can’t deny his curiosity that flickered to life after what Simon said. He sees Alec’s movement falter a bit as he puts away a plate, but he regains his composure quickly.

“You were gone,” Alec’s voice is steady, but there’s a tightness that grates at Magnus’ ears, “and I would have done whatever it took to be with you again. Forever.”

“You could have died, Alexander.”

“Lilith would have killed you if we didn’t get down there,” Alec bites out, and Magnus can’t argue with that.

He puts the glass he was rinsing back in the sink and dries his hands on the handtowl in front of him. Alec tenses as Magnus walks up to him, but when Magnus reaches up to place a hand on his cheek, he turns to face him. His eyes shake a bit, but Magnus knows the Shadowhunter well enough now to know that the uncertainty isn’t from the poor decision he almost made, but rather from not knowing how Magnus would react. A relenting sigh leaves the Warlock, and he smiles. He leans up to kiss his husband. The kiss is tender and adoring, and he takes his time with it. As they part, Magnus opens his eyes and is met with Alec’s soft gaze - rich hazel, raw with uncertainty. A warmth blooms in his heart and he’s sure that Alec can see it all in his eyes.

“You are very much chaotic at times, do you know that?”

“I… don’t know what you mean by that,” retorts Alec with a disgruntled huff.

“But beautiful. A perfect mixture of chaos and art - that’s what your soul is,” Magnus continues, ignoring his husband’s protests.

“I still don’t follow -”

“And I love you,” he kisses Alec again, interrupting him this time as if to punctuate his point, “all the more for it.”

“Oh,” Alec exhales, releasing some tightness that crept up into his shoulders, “well, I guess that’s okay then.”

Magnus fondly pats Alec on the cheek and turns back toward the sink to finish his chore, when Alec grabs his wrist and pulls him back into his arms.

“What about you?” He asks, eyes intently focused on Magnus now.

“What about me?” Magnus asks back, not purposefully facetious, but it earns a narrowed look from Alec.

“What was it like, in Edom?”

Silence spreads between the two, as Magnus thinks back on his short time in Edom. He thinks of the room without doors (or ceilings, for that matter), the emptiness of the space. He remembers the demons coming in and out - always looking for ways to overthrow him, and having to watch his back at all times.

But most vividly, he remembers the devastating loneliness. He had made the commitment knowing he may never see Alec ever again, and it had almost destroyed him.

Magnus absentmindedly plays with the ring on his finger - the Lightwood family ring that Alec presented to him, and Alec notices, eyes darting down to his hands. It was only a moment, but Magnus caught the glance. The scars of his past have always been the hardest to share for Magnus, but he looks down at the wedding band that shines on his finger - the manifestation of Alec’s commitment to him, and his to Alec - and takes a deliberate inhale. 

“It was hell - quite literally,” he laughs, but it’s taut and scornful, “but… I knew that if you and Biscuit and the team were going to have a chance, it was the only way. And if I had to, I would do it again.”

“Magnus -” the grip Alec has on Magnus’ arm tightens. Not painful, but tight enough to remind Magnus that he wasn’t the only one hurting.

“Alexander.” He eyes Alec with a steady stare.

“You should never have to face those things alone - ever again. That isn’t how any of this works anymore,” he pulls Magnus into an embrace as he says it, “I meant it when I said I would have stayed.”

Magnus wraps his arms around Alec, his hands settling on his back. Out of habit, his fingers start tracing the Shadowhunter’s back muscles (unfortunately hidden under his shirt). Alec leans back so that he can look at his face, and Magnus realizes that he’s waiting on the Warlock to respond.

“I know,” he nods, his voice quivers slightly, “it killed me to leave. You know that, right?”

“...I know,” Alec kisses his forehead.

“I thought… I hoped, you would learn to fight on without me,” Magnus’ eyes are downcast as he tries to string his thoughts together coherently “even though the thought alone crushed me.”

He nuzzles his forehead into the nook of Alec’s neck, and the Shadowhunter responds by running his fingers through his hair.

“I still can’t believe you almost turned yourself into a vampire to join me in Edom, though,” he scoffed, bringing his head back up to look up at Alec again, who is rolling his eyes.

“You aren’t going to let that go, are you?”

“What if you had died? It would have been all for nothing!” Magnus lightly swats at Alec’s chest as he chides him.

“I know, I know,” shrugged Alec with a sigh, “but I heard Lilith was building her army… I couldn’t just leave you like that.”

...and how could Magnus stay mad at that? He sighs and leans into it when Alec cups his cheek. His hands are big and warm as he lifts Magnus’ face so that he can peer into his eyes. Magnus wants to keep up the act - make sure Alec understands how irresponsible the choice would have been, but he can’t help the wrinkles that form at the edges of his eyes. He still rolls his eyes to make a show of it, mimicking Alec’s earlier dismissal of his concerns.

“I’ll always come for you. If you ever feel outnumbered, I’ll always be by your side.” Alec whispers, as he takes Magnus’ left hand and finds his wedding ring. He lifts Magnus’ hand and lets his lips lightly graze the ring.

“And I would wait for you forever,” Magnus wraps the hand around Alec’s neck, and pulls him into a kiss. It starts sweet, but soon Alec is pulling him in closer, angling his head to deepen the kiss.

And Magnus feels safe. He feels _loved._

Maybe that was why they worked so well, the thought occurs to Magnus through his blissful haze. Because each is so determined to see the beauty in the other that they can’t see on their own; everything that they are, and that they can be. Magnus’ body melts into the embrace; he rests his forehead against Alec’s, and a small content hum escapes his smile.

“What?” His husband asks, his tone is playful. Their bodies are pressed together close - Magnus remembers that they had abandoned the dishes unfinished, but neither make any move to step apart.

“Oh my god, Simon would have been your _sire_ ,” he barks out, the thought suddenly occurring to him. He doesn’t even try to stifle the roar of laughter that instantly bursts whatever bubble the two were nestled in. With a groan, Alec makes an exaggerated move to push Magnus away.

“Okay, I think that’s enough with the vamp jokes,” he throws his hands in the air, “I get it, it was a horrible idea.”

“Horrific, Alexander, truly,” he huffs out between bouts of laughter, but he manages to pull his husband back into his arms. Alec gives him a pointed look, one eyebrow raised in annoyance (but Magnus can easily see through the facade; Alec’s eyes are warm and bright, nothing but affectionate).

“My hero.”

Magnus pulls him down for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve always thought that Alec’s first thought of asking Simon to turn him into a vampire was WILD.
> 
> Thanks always for reading! Kudos/comments are so appreciated if you feel so inclined. They truly make my day.
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	10. Dancing Under Red Skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But…” Magnus holds him with a steady gaze and his voice is soft but sincere, “but you make me want a lot of new things that I’ve never considered.”
> 
> ***
> 
> Magnus and Alec talk about what they see for their future (and other soft husband fluff).  
> Inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s “Dancing Under Red Skies”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a stressful week for those of us in the US, but I hope you are all hanging in there!  
> Here’s a super soft and fluffy chapter to wrap up the week.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for your kudos/comments. They really mean a lot to me :)

“Boss? You with me?” Underhill waves his hand in front of Alec in an attempt to get his attention, and it brings Alec back from the stupor he was in.

“Sorry, what was that?” He shakes his head, trying to dispel the light haziness.

“The Seelies need us to reschedule the next Downworld Cabinet meeting. I guess some sort of Seelie Court business. I’m sure Meliorn can fill you in directly.”

Alec nods along to Underhill’s report, still slightly distracted. He and Magnus had been babysitting Madzie since Friday to give Catarina some much deserved time off, and between his work leading the institute, Jia Penhallow wanting more of his attention at Idris, and an entire weekend of only chaste kisses and quick pecks on the cheeks (because _you know how we get_ , and _she’s right in the other room, Alexander!_ ) Alec had to admit he was feeling a bit touch-starved. His lack of attention must be clear, because Underhill tilts his head with a questioning look.

“Is everything okay, Alec?”

“Yes, sorry,” sighs Alec, “I just… things have been a bit hectic at home, so I’m a little tired is all.”

Underhill’s eyes narrow with sympathy; he knows how busy Alec’s been recently (he’s been with him for most of the going ons at the Institute).

“No matter what it is, I’m sure you and Magnus can work it out,” his voice is kind, and Alec realizes that he may have given the wrong impression.

“Oh, it isn’t -”

“I remember Lorenzo telling me how surprised he was, when he heard Magnus Bane was getting married.”

Alec had meant to stop Underhill, to let him know that his relationship was completely fine, but he halts at the mention of Lorenzo. The High Warlock of Brooklyn who (much to Alec and Magnus’ surprise) started dating the Shadowhunter in front of him after meeting at Alec and Magnus’ wedding.

“You and Lorenzo - that’s, uh, still going, huh?” He mutters, unable to help his curiosity.

A light blush paints the peaks of Underhill’s cheeks as he chuckles shyly, “yeah, I guess it is.”

“He was surprised? About us getting married.”

“Yeah - he just never thought Magnus was the type to settle down with one person,” Underhill averts his eyes like he’s thinking about Lorenzo’s words.

Alec hums suspiciously - while the two have finally started to mend bridges, he knows Magnus and Lorenzo has had a tumultuous relationship, so he isn’t sure how much stock to put in the words of Magnus’ “rival” (Alec knows that his husband would easily win in a fight between the two). Underhill, sensing Alec’s underlying thoughts, laughs.

“For what it’s worth, he feels bad about how everything went down with Magnus. He has a lot of respect for him.”

“Lorenzo said that?” Alec can’t stop the incredulity that leaks into his voice.

“Well, I said it,” Underhill chooses his words carefully, “but I know Lorenzo feels that way - he’s just… not ready to publicly express it.”

Alec scoffs this time.

“Regardless, I hope you get whatever is going on sorted out,” he starts putting away the files he laid out on Alec’s desk, readying to leave the office, he points a small smile toward his boss, “I’m sure you will. The man looks at you like you’ve hung the moon.”

Alec means to say something - his mouth opens, words ready at the tip of his tongue - but he’s suddenly hit by the reality that he’s in his office, talking to a fellow Shadowhunter (a fellow gay Shadowhunter) about his relationship with his husband. He freezes, thinking of how a year and a half ago, he could not even have imagined a reality like this.

“Alec?” A worried voice cuts through his daze.

“Right, I’m good. Thank you, Underhill. That’ll be all.”

Once he is alone in the quiet of his office, he starts to wonder when it got so easy for him. He doesn’t think it was a specific moment or time, when suddenly his relationship didn’t scare him anymore, but a progression. He wonders how many more came before him; Shadowhunters who felt the need to hide who they were in order to meet the expectations of the Clave. He tidies up the reports on his desk and thinks back to how he used to do the same. He let the Clave decide what it meant to be a real leader or the best soldier. He let them take control of his decisions, opinions, morals… _The law is hard, but it is the law_. But as his relationship developed, he slowly found new courage in himself that overpowered the cowards that allowed the Clave to control him. He catches sight of a photo on his desk of Magnus and him from a trip to Rome together, part of their honeymoon, and he smiles. Catarina is supposed to come pick Madzie up this evening, and if he wants to say goodbye (and avoid the wrath of his favorite little sorceress), he should be leaving soon. After running through his mental checklist one last time, and feeling satisfied that he hasn’t left anything urgent for the day, he picks up his things and flicks off the light in his office.

* * *

It’s been about an hour after Catarina picked up Madzie, and Alec would say that he and Magnus had made extremely good use of that time. Alec loves Madzie with all his heart, but after feeling distracted all day from missing his husband, he was quick and eager to make up for lost time. They somehow made their way to the bedroom (Alec vaguely remembers some groping, manhandling, and at one point he may have activated a rune or two) where Alec showed Magnus exactly how much he missed him. The moon seems to have risen at some point, and Alec sees the gentle silvery moonlight make its way into the room through the curtains. Magnus flicks his fingers, and the lamps around the room light up and cast a dim glow around the room.

Magnus lay sated and comfortable on his side, gazing adoringly at his husband. His fingers are gently tracing the lines of Alec’s runes, and a dopey smile that is reserved just for Alec spreads across his face. The smile never fails to make Alec’s insides flutter with warmth. Part of him still can’t believe that Magnus chose _him_ , of all the people he’s encountered in his long life. Overwhelming emotions build inside him, and it must show, because his husband (adorably) scrunches up his face.

“What?” He asks skeptically. The look makes Alec chuckle.

“Nothing,” he replies easily, lifting a hand to brush some errant hairs off of Magnus’ face, “just thanking the Angels for giving me this life with you. It’s still a bit surreal sometimes - everything happened so quickly.”

Magnus pushes himself up onto an elbow and looks down at Alec; his eyes are narrowed into a smile that is so full of love (if anyone else were to have seen it, Alec may have been embarrassed by the blatant show of affection). He leans down to kiss Alec, languid and sweet.

“Hm, I don’t know,” he hums as he settles his head on Alec’s shoulder, “a young, brilliant Shadowhunter determined to work together _with_ Downworlders? Not to mention strong, caring, and very easy on the eyes.”

He waggles his eyebrows to stress his point, and Alec huffs out a laugh. Wordlessly, he reaches out a hand to grab Magnus’ from where it’s resting on his chest and intertwines their fingers, using his thumb to rub gentle circles in Magnus’ palm.

“Next time we have Madzie, I think we need another system,” says Alec, as he nuzzles the top of Magnus’ head.

“Eager, are we?” Magnus barks out a laugh and then pointedly raises an eyebrow like he’s thinking, “I suppose I can do some soundproofing, but Madzie is so clever, she might figure that one out…” 

The Warlock seems to be contemplating their options now, which gives Alec some time to think as well. They had Madzie for a weekend, but if they decide to have children of their own, it would be their daily norm.

Alec had always thought he would have children, but the topic hasn’t come up as a point of discussion with Magnus. He remembers discussing the idea of children briefly once when babysitting Madzie, and Magnus had mentioned he hadn’t considered it. He peeks down at Magnus who still seems to be contemplating ways that they can have privacy with a child in the loft (Alec notices a small crease between Magnus’ brow and begins to think he’s getting a bit too deep into this train of thought). He kisses the top of Magnus’ head, which earns him a glance and a smile from his husband. Alec’s thumb continues its small ministrations, he hears Magnus breathe out a content sigh as he snuggles even closer, and Alec feels calm - _happy._

“Hey Magnus?” He starts, curious if Magnus’ thoughts have changed since their last conversation, now that they were married.

“Yes, darling?” Magnus sounds comfortable, almost like he was about to doze off.

“Would you want a family? As in, kids… with me,” Alec is clearly not known for his eloquence.

The Warlock freezes at the question, and Alec starts to ramble.

“I know you mentioned you had never given it much thought, but I guess I was curious where you stand on that now that we’re married. I don’t need a decision right now or anything, just… curious.”

He forces himself to stop speaking when he notices Magnus peering up at him through his eyelashes.

“...as a Warlock, I’ve lived life thinking I could have no children. Honestly given my father, I thought it would be best I didn’t,” Alec tries to interject, he almost opens his mouth, but Magnus continues, “the Downworlders I’ve taken under my wing, they’re my family, Alexander. So you’re right. I never gave starting a family of my own much consideration.”

He sighs, and Alec feels a tight clench in his stomach that makes him wish he hadn’t brought up the topic.

“But…” Magnus holds him with a steady gaze and his voice is soft but sincere, “but you make me want a lot of new things that I’ve never considered.”

Alec can feel his heart skip a beat, and wonders if Magnus could feel it too from where his head is rested.

“That’s… great. That works for me,” Alec stammers out in response, and Magnus smiles brightly. They settle into a quiet lull, neither in a hurry to break the moment.

Alec is the first to speak, “I was talking to Underhill today.”

Magnus gives a small harrumph that makes Alec’s lips curl up a bit, “about Lorenzo, babe, we were talking about Lorenzo.”

There’s still some satisfaction that bubbles up when he remembers Magnus’ jealousy at his “handsome friend”.

“Ah, I still don’t understand what your friend sees in Lorenzo,” he makes an animated scowl as if he tastes something bitter and he waves a hand dismissively “but to each their own.”

“Apparently Lorenzo is still surprised that you got married,” Alec aims for lighthearted, and hopes he hits the note. Magnus furrows his brows at the comment and shifts his weight so that they can see each other's faces better.

“Do you feel that way?”

“What?”

“Surprised. Are you surprised?” He sounds… worried? Alec can’t quite place the tone, but he doesn’t think he likes it much.

“I don’t know if surprised is the right word,” Alec takes a deep breath, considering each word carefully before he proceeds, “loving you, and being with you… nothing has ever felt as _right_. For most of my life, I always felt something was off, and you changed that for me.”

Alec’s fingers trace the ridges of Magnus’ cheek, cupping his jaw tenderly. Magnus’ eyes narrow and the edges of his lips turn up slightly.

“Getting married - it felt like the natural next step. So no, I don’t think I’m surprised,” Alec cocks his head and averts his gaze, “I guess I do wonder sometimes, why you chose me… especially when you’ve never married before.”

Magnus just stares at him for a while, with eyes that look a little damp (maybe it’s the light, Alec tells himself).

“Alexander?”

“Hm?”

“I know that you know the difference between right and wrong, and while it hasn’t always been easy, you’ll always try to do the right thing. I’ve seen you grow so much, and pave your own way, which in turn paves the way for so many other Shadowhunters. You gain the respect of others not because you demand it, but because you deserve it.

“I know the adversity you’ve had to overcome, the expectations and the pressure, and maybe that made it challenging to get to actually _see_ you past the walls you had to build to protect yourself. But once I was allowed in, I got to see you blossom into the person that you are. A brother, son, leader, partner, who will sacrifice everything for those he loves.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Alexander, but I for one consider myself very lucky to be your life partner.”

Breathless, is the only way Alec can describe how Magnus makes him feel. He leans in and pulls his husband in for a crushing kiss. It’s a little rough; their teeth hit with a clink, and the angle isn’t quite right, but Alec hopes that it relays everything he feels, the overwhelming love that continues to flow freely from his heart. In that moment he knows with complete certainty that even if Magnus decides he doesn’t want kids of his own, Alec would be okay with that. His life with Magnus is what he wants more than anything.

They part eventually, their breathing a bit more labored than earlier, both holding each other a little closer.

“We, we should get some food,” Alec tips his head toward the door and rises up to his elbows.

“We could,” Magnus draws out his vowels like he’s considering it and instead of getting up, rolls over so he’s straddling Alec’s hips with a mischievous smirk on his face, “or I could think of a few other things we could get down to…”

And Alec is helpless to say no to that.

* * *

The bed feels cold when Alec wakes. It’s early - the sun has barely risen and he sees that the clouds are lit in dim tones of red, orange, and pink outside the window. The first thing Alec notices is that Magnus isn’t in bed. This happens sometimes, usually when Magnus has something on his mind and can’t sleep well. Alec rolls out of bed and pulls on sweatpants and a t-shirt that he finds on the chair by the vanity. He stretches his arms out, feeling his shoulders pop and his back crack; he winces at the sounds.

When he walks into the dining room, he smells the coffee first. The coffee maker that Magnus got for Alec (because Alec was adamant about not conjuring - or stealing, for all Alec knows - from the coffee shop down the block every morning) lets out a soft hum and a hiss of steam that lets him know that there’s a pot already ready, and Alec pours himself a cup.

He sees his husband on the balcony, also nursing a cup of coffee. The sun continues to rise, and he’s glowing in the gentle red tones of sunrise. Alec walks up behind him, and wraps an arm around Magnus’ abdomen. He lays a soft kiss on his neck from behind, and rests his chin on Magnus’ shoulder. They stand there in comfortable silence for a while, overlooking the Brooklyn skyline, and Alec has a distinct thought that he would be happy if this is how he spent every morning for the rest of his life. Quiet mornings under the warm sunlight with the man he loves.

“This is perfect,” he whispers, he can hear his smile, evident in his voice.

“Mm, it’s close…” replies Magnus, playfully, “but I don’t know about perfect.” 

“Yeah? What are we missing, then?”

Magnus turns around in his arms, and faces Alec. His golden brown eyes are shimmering in the morning light and he’s grinning like he knows something Alec doesn’t. Just seeing the happiness in his husband’s face, Alec feels his expression soften.

“Don’t you think it could be even more perfect with a couple of little ones running around?” His voice is almost demure, but his grin grows wider, “you know how lonely I get when it’s too quiet around.”

Alec feels the heat build behind his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah… that sounds perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m kind of on the fence with the Lorenzo/Underhill pairing, but it could be cute… Underhill’s down-to-earth personality might balance out Lorenzo’s pretentiousness.  
> Anyway. I hope you enjoyed another soft husbands chapter! If you feel inclined, kudos or comments are always greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	11. Outgrown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus doesn’t expect it when it happens, but he freezes stock still in the middle of the room. He thinks that Alec might still be talking, but his words seem like they’re filtered through water. He stands rigid, eyes wide, until a warm, gentle hand comes to rest on his shoulder. He doesn’t mean to jerk away, but it happens beyond his control.  
> “...Magnus? Are you okay?” Alec is looking at him with concern (and a hint of what looks like hurt) in his eyes.
> 
> ***
> 
> Magnus is haunted by unexpected flashbacks, but Alec’s there to comfort him. Always.  
> Inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s “Outgrown”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry this is going up a bit later than usual. In all honesty not a single word (beyond the outline) was written until yesterday… I’ve been a bit distracted and devastated this week by another fandom that I love (any Destiel fans reading?).  
> ANYWAY. Here’s some light insecure!Magnus angst and soft, soft husband fluff.  
> I hope you enjoy!

The hallway leading to Alec’s office is quiet. It’s late, and the other Shadowhunters are either out on patrol or they’re out enjoying the evening. Magnus walks up to the open door quietly, not wanting to disturb his husband who is clearly engulfed in his work. He takes a moment to observe the man - still as dashingly handsome as ever, but his shoulders are slightly hunched and Magnus notices soft creases below his dulled hazel eyes. He looks tired; understandably so. Alec has been spending a lot of time traveling between New York and Idris, with Jia Penhallow seemingly interested in tasking him with a new role (they have slowly started discussions about moving to Alicante together, now that they are opening the city walls to Downworlders as well). Magnus lets out a soft sigh, and Alec’s gaze darts up from the documents he was looking so intently at. The effect is instant, as Alec’s eyes soften and crinkle at the edges.

“Knock, knock,” with an apologetic smile, Magnus belatedly knocks at the door frame.

“Magnus,” he calls, weary but warm, and Magnus saunters in to greet him with a kiss. Alec is beaming at him, until he isn’t. His brows knit together, “have I forgotten a dinner or something?”

“No, I just thought you needed a reminder to actually leave the office today. I missed you last night,” Magnus pouts; Alec didn’t get home until well past 11pm, and while they didn’t have any plans, Magnus doesn’t like it when Alec doesn’t let himself rest. He’s rewarded with a soft huff of laughter. Alec looks around his office (which is currently in a state of disarray, thanks to all the files and documents haphazardly slewn around the desk and side tables) and winces.

“You’re right… I’ve been a bit overwhelmed with everything going on,” he sighs, “I need a break.”

_ I’ve been feeling a bit… overwhelmed. And to be honest, I need a break. _

Magnus doesn’t expect it when it happens, but he freezes stock still in the middle of the room. He thinks that Alec might still be talking, but his words seem like they’re filtered through water. He stands rigid, eyes wide, until a warm, gentle hand comes to rest on his shoulder. He doesn’t mean to jerk away, but it happens beyond his control.

“...Magnus? Are you okay?” Alec is looking at him with concern (and a hint of what looks like hurt) in his eyes.

“I…” his thought stalls, he isn’t quite sure what happened, “I’m okay. I’m sorry Alec, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He places his hand on Alec’s arm, still outstretched, but not touching Magnus after he flinched at the contact. He looks at where they’re connected, noting the grounding warmth, and takes a deep breath to settle his suddenly rapid heartbeat.

“Magnus,” Alec responds, with an appropriately skeptical tone.

“I just… it’s going to sound ridiculous.” 

“Try me.”

Magnus lets out a long exhale, readying himself for the ridicule (which he knows is unlikely for the Shadowhunter, but he can’t help the fear that riles up within him), “the words,” he starts, slowly, “the last time you said those words, we were at your mother’s bookshop.”

It takes a few seconds for Alec to understand what Magnus is implying, but when it clicks, his face scrunches up like it’s in pain.

“You know I didn’t mean any of that, right?” His voice comes out rough, “I wouldn’t have said it if…”

“I know,” interrupts Magnus, before Alec could dig into the pain even further. He doesn’t want to relive that moment, or the ensuing days when he believed in a world where Alec didn’t love him. The pain is dull and throbbing, and Magnus hadn’t realized how the memories had marked his soul like scars - still scabbing at the surface, ready to be picked at and reopened. His eyes flutter closed at the thought. His discomfort must be evident, and Alec is immediately at his side, stepping straight into Magnus’ space. He rests his palm against Magnus’ cheek, and gently rubs at the peaks with his thumb.

“Magnus, can you look at me?” Alec is pleading, and the voice sounds so wrong, “babe, please.”

Magnus finally opens his eyes, and peers up into Alec’s. He can see the relief that rushes through them.

“Hey,” he cracks a faint smile, “there you are.”

“I’m sorry, Alexander,” Magnus’ grits out, “I don’t know what came over me. I know why you did what you did, and it’s okay.” He doesn’t want to feel this way. It happened and it passed. Asmodeus is gone, and Alec loves him. They’re married, for fucks sake. Magnus releases an angry breath.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Magnus,” Alec’s tone is nothing but reassuring, and Magnus can feel his next breath come easier, “I’m sorryI didn’t realize that this was still bothering you.”

A scoff escapes Magnus’ throat, “to be fair, I didn’t either,” he replies, a little more bitterly than he wants to.

“You want to talk about it?” continues Alec, unfazed. Magnus assesses his husband, and he sees nothing but sincerity. Alec cocks his head, patiently waiting for Magnus to take the lead.

“No, not right now,” Magnus finally decides, feeling a little more like himself, “why don’t we just go home. I want to draw us a bath. I think we both need a bit of a break,” he sends his husband a teasing wink.

Alec drops his hand from where he was still gently running his fingers along Magnus’ skin and takes hold of his ringed hand instead.

“Sounds perfect.”

* * *

_ No, Magnus. I need a break from us _

(No, no no no…)

_ There is no fixing this _

(Not again, I can’t survive this again)

_ I didn’t know the spark inside of you - the one I fell in love with - was out for good. _

“...nus,”

_ Stay with me… okay? C’mon, stay with me… _

_ Magnus… I can’t… I’m sorry. _

“Magnus!”

Magnus wakes with a start. He can tell his body is shaking - his breath is coming in heaving sobs, and he feels Alec’s strong arms wrap tightly around him. His hand rubbing his back in soothing circles.

“Magnus, it’s okay,” Alec’s voice washes over him, but he can’t stop his body from shaking. His heart is beating fast in his chest, he’s breaking out in a sweat but shivering uncontrollably at the same time, and for a second he doesn’t know where he is, “it’s okay, Mangus. It was just a dream.”

Magnus forces his eyes to blink open, and when he does, he sees the dark runes on Alec’s chest through his blurry eyes (hazy with tears, he recognizes later), he looks around, and they’re at home.

“You’re okay, Magnus. You’re okay,” Alec keeps repeating, barely above a whisper now, “breathe with me?”

It takes Alec prompting him for Magnus to realize his breaths were still coming out in erratic huffs. Alec starts breathing deliberately, counting with each inhale and exhale, and Magnus eventually manages to get his breathing to match his husband’s. Once Alec is satisfied that Magnus is no longer at risk of hyperventilating, he releases a quivering breath (the only indication of how affected he is, and a pang of guilt hits Magnus like a wave), and drops a kiss on Magnus’ forehead.

“I’m so sorry, Alec… I, I must’ve had a bad dream,” Magnus can tell he’s stammering. He still doesn’t feel like himself, the remnants of the nightmare still surrounding his thoughts in a fog.

“Was it about what happened earlier today?” Magnus tenses at the question. He managed to avoid talking about what happened in Alec’s office through the evening, not wanting to rehash those events more than they already had, but Alec doesn’t seem to want to let it go.

“Why,”

“You were talking in your sleep,” Alec cuts in; his voice isn’t unkind, but there’s an underlying determination that won’t let Magnus deflect. The Warlock’s lips pull back in a tight grimace; they have both been working on communicating more, but talking through pain is the hardest for both.

“I suppose our brief time apart had a more,” he waves his hand as he searches for a word, “lingering effect than I expected.” He aims for a lighthearted tone, but it falters a bit under Alec’s intense gaze, eyes ever-so-slightly narrowed in thought. Magnus sighs and lowers his eyes as Alec runs his fingers through his hair, comforting him- wordlessly prompting him to continue.

“I need you to know that I truthfully didn’t expect to respond this way myself,” Magnus starts. A deep crease forms between his brows, “I don’t want you to believe I’ve been hiding any resentful thoughts from you.”

“I know,” Alec holds his hand, grounding him, but Magnus hears the hint of relief in his response.

“Those words - it’s as if there’s evidence and remnants of this spark that caused such pain for me, and those words reignited this spark. It scares me, because you’re still new for me, in so many ways. And there was a part of me that felt perhaps it was all too good to be true. Steeling myself for the other shoe to drop,” he lets out a self-deprecating laugh. He peeks at Alec, who’s gone quiet beside him, and is surprised to see the vulnerability in his eyes. Even in the dim lighting of the room, he can see the warm hazel irises shake.

“Do you still feel that way?” He asks, and his voice is clearly strained in an effort to keep it from quaking.

“No,” Magnus responds, instinctually, and a little louder than he had planned to, “no, I don’t… not usually,” his eyes drop to his lap where his hands have come to rest, fingers intertwined with Alec’s, “but clearly there are still some feelings that I haven’t fully processed…” he says, dejected. Alec uses his free hand to pull Magnus closer to him and Magnus nestles his forehead into the crook of Alec’s neck.

“Magnus, I’m sorry,” Magnus can’t see his face, but he can easily imagine the furrow between Alec’s brows. His arm coils tighter around Magnus’ shoulder, and he finds that he likes the extra pressure - he finds it comforting. “I’m sorry…”

It sounds like a prayer, like he truly doesn’t know how Magnus might react.

“I can’t live without you, Magnus…”

_ I won’t lose you. I can’t. _

“But you said that before you broke my heart,” the words leave his mouth before Magnus realizes what he’s saying. They’re terse - a lot harsher than he means them to be. When his head jerks back to look up at Alec, he sees wide, wounded eyes looking back at him. The regret is immediate, and Magnus cups Alec’s cheeks with his hands.

“I know you did it for me, darling. So that I could have my magic back…”

“I thought... you’d just put me in your box, and then eventually you would love again,” Alec whispers, as if the mere thought is painful to him, and Magnus knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would let Alec break his heart over and over again if it meant that he got even the briefest moment of happiness. If he could experience this man’s love, he would risk it all again. He tried to take it slow, he tried to stay detached, he kept his walls up to keep the noise out - to stay in his own safe bubble, but Alec came out of nowhere and uprooted everything he thought he knew about love and life.

“Alexander -” he can’t help the deep emotion that colors his voice. Just saying his name can feel so overwhelming that even  _ love _ doesn’t feel like enough to cover it, “I’ll never know another feeling like the love we share. You have to know that by now.”

He leans over, close enough that he can feel the Shaowhunter’s breath on his skin, and Alec takes the final inch. The kiss is slow and languid; nothing more than a reminder of their commitment to each other. When he pulls away, he sees Alec blink at him with awe in his eyes, and Magnus thinks he may not be the only one who would sacrifice it all. His lips curl up in a soft smile, and as he goes to lie back down, he pulls Alec down with him by his arm. He nestles up against Alec’s body, relishing in the warmth of his Shadowhunter.

“Will you hold me?” The question is hesitant, even though Magnus thinks he knows what the answer is.

“Always.”

Magnus falls back asleep feeling safe in Alec’s arms.

* * *

He always wakes early when something is on his mind, and Magnus is up by the crack of dawn. He feels the haze of exhaustion that hasn’t quite cleared his mind. He knows hasn’t gotten enough sleep, but it’s happened enough times that he knows he won't be able to go back to sleep anyway. He quietly wiggles out from under Alec’s arm that’s laid across his torso; not in the tight embrace they fell asleep in, but still holding Magnus close. The Shadowhunter shifts slightly, but doesn’t wake.

Magnus wraps himself up in a robe and walks out to the living room. He gets the coffee maker running with a snap of his fingers and considers the balcony only for a second before seeing the thin layer of frost that lines the hand railing. Winter is fast approaching New York, and he wouldn’t be surprised if it started snowing within the next few days. It suddenly occurs to him that it may be another reason for his mild panic from the day before - their break up happened in the dead of winter… he looks away from the window to pour himself a cup of coffee.

He takes a seat at the dining table, settling in with his steaming coffee as his thoughts wander to the events of the day before. He’s happy; sure, Alec’s been working longer hours, but their marriage has been wonderful. Alec didn’t make him feel neglected, quite the opposite - if anything he has been more and more openly affectionate, and Magnus usually got regular quality time with his husband daily.

_ Hundreds of years old and still so naive. You wouldn’t know what to do with love if you found it. _

A shrill voice that he hasn’t thought of in a while rings in his head. For a split second, a desperate fear grips his heart; what if Camille was right. Perhaps he isn’t meant for love. He’s the immortal one, and yet suddenly he’s the one who’s unable to let go of the past. What if Magnus can’t get past this? It took Alec’s boundless patience and gentle affection for him to work through the complex emotions from his relationship with Camille (and even so her words are still haunting him now).

What if Alec outgrows him?

The thought hits him out of nowhere. He’s already seen Alec flourish into the man who he is now - out and confident. What if he realizes that Magnus is stuck in the past? What if he realizes he doesn’t actually need Magnus anymore?

It takes him a second to recognize that he’s spiraling. Another thing that hasn’t happened in a while. He takes a few deep, centering breaths, steadying his breathing with some effort. He sips his coffee and consciously releases the tension that’s crept up in his shoulders.

Every relationship he’s been in has met a bitter end, so why should this one be any different? The voice in his head is scathing, and Magnus winces at how it lashes out.

But, he thinks, but Alec is different. Alec has always been different.

He startles when he feels a hand graze his shoulder.

“Mind if I join you?” Alec’s eyes are soft (and sleepy - light bags forming under his eyes), but Magnus can detect a hint of worry in them.

“It’s still early, Alexander. Shouldn’t you be catching up on sleep?” Alec shakes his head lightly at that.

“The bed was cold without you,” he says with a pout. Magnus laughs in response, and conjures a hot cup of coffee from the kitchen. Alec hums appreciatively, and sits down in the chair next to Magnus’, “you okay?”

Magnus mulls over the loaded question. He tries to smile, but he knows it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“If I’m being completely honest, I guess I’m feeling a little... vulnerable,” he sighs, wrapping his fingers around his coffee cup and letting the heat ground him, “what if I never get over this? If I have a panic attack every time you say you need a break? That’s not realistic. 

“And if you decide some day that I’m too much - because I have it on good authority that I am always too much, and you decide to leave? You say now that you couldn’t, but things change, Alexander.”

The words are spilling out from him, tinged with fear and panic, and he knows they aren’t as coherent as he would like. His eyes dart to Alec, who is just staring at him with a stunned expression plastered on his face.

“What if you outgrow me, Alexander?” It comes out as a whimper, undignified and pathetic.

“...wow,” is all Alec manages to say, and Magnus feels his face heat up. He sounds like a petulant teenager, asking for his boyfriend to love him forever unconditionally (which, he supposes is what marriage is, in a sense). He looks away and raises a hand to dismiss this embarrassing thought.

“Clearly I’m just going through something. You should forg-”

“Magnus, I love you,” interrupts Alec, strong and steady, “and Nephilim, we - we love once. And we love fiercely.”

He hooks a finger under Magnus’ chin and tugs gently so Magnus would look at him. Magnus’ breath catches when he sees his husband’s eyes. Warm, determined, and beaming with all the affection he can muster.

“You’re it for me, Magnus.”

There’s something about the way Alec says his name that makes Magnus melt. Maybe it’s the deep reverence, or how he can hear the relentless fondness in his tone, but there’s something about the way Alec says it that makes his name sound so special, and he feels hot tears start to form at the back of his eyes.

“And this?” Alec lifts his thumb to rub at Magnus’ cheek, “we’ll work through this. Together. No matter how long it takes.”

Magnus huffs out a weak laugh that sounds dangerously close to a sob, “okay.”

Alec cradles the back of Magnus' head and tugs him in for a kiss.

“C’mere,” he pulls Magnus closer, not stopping until Magnus is sitting on his lap, and he rests his forehead against Magnus’, whispering against his lips, “I’ve got you. Always. I’m yours, Magnus.” 

His body is warm against Magnus’. Solid, and real. He keeps whispering Magnus’ name with that same sincerity and devotion that blocks out all the unwelcome noise in Magnus’ head, and Magnus isn’t sure if he’s ever heard a more beautiful sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you so so much for reading! Comments and kudos truly bring me so much joy, so please let me know what you think if you feel so inclined :)  
> Only two more chapters to go for this anthology!
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	12. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come to bed, Alexander.”  
> Alec jolts awake from where he must have been dozing off on the sofa, the gentle touch on his shoulder pulling him back to reality.  
> “Let’s put this all away - you’re as prepared as you’ll be for your meeting tomorrow,” with a smooth wave of Magnus’ hand, all of the files Alec had laid out on the coffee table tidy up into a neat pile. Alec pinches the bridge of his nose and huffs out an exasperated breath.  
> “You’re right. I don’t know why I’m so nervous... I know the Consul is amenable to our ideas,” he points a tired smile toward his husband, tentative excitement rising in his heart, “I just… we’re so close and I know that this works.”
> 
> ***
> 
> Alec is nervous about an important meeting with Jia. Magnus is there for him.  
> Inspired by Dermot Kennedy’s “Redemption”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Here’s another super fluffy supportive husbands chapter :) I hope you enjoy.

“Come to bed, Alexander.”

Alec jolts awake from where he must have been dozing off on the sofa, the gentle touch on his shoulder pulling him back to reality.

“Let’s put this all away - you’re as prepared as you’ll be for your meeting tomorrow,” with a smooth wave of Magnus’ hand, all of the files Alec had laid out on the coffee table tidy up into a neat pile. Alec pinches the bridge of his nose and huffs out an exasperated breath.

“You’re right. I don’t know why I’m so nervous... I know the Consul is amenable to our ideas,” he points a tired smile toward his husband, tentative excitement rising in his heart, “I just… we’re so close and I know that this works.”

The edges of Magnus’ eyes crinkle, and Alec can see the pride shining in the Warlock’s eyes.

“Yes, it does. And tomorrow, you’re going to wow Jia Penhallow with your brilliant mind and your irresistible charisma,” he leans down to kiss Alec on the cheek from where he stands behind him, “but tonight, you’re coming to bed with me.”

With a little tug on his arm, Alex is coaxed into getting up to get ready for bed. Bone-deep exhaustion washes over him, but he also feels the undercurrent of excitement. The Clave is at the cusp of real, meaningful change. And he gets to be a part of it. He glances to his side where Magnus stands by him - a hand on his shoulder guiding him to the bedroom. 

He wishes he could tell his younger self what his life would become; his younger self who was so afraid of failing those around him. Who never had hope, didn’t let his wings unfold because he was sure that being himself would disappoint his loved ones. He thinks of what his meeting with Jia could mean for the future of the Clave.

He’s unbuttoning his cuffs as his gaze shifts back to his husband, who is now magic-ing his makeup away with smooth wisps of his hand. And by the Angel, he is beautiful. Their eyes meet through the vanity mirror and Magnus’ eyes narrow in a smile.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“Just… taking it all in,” he tilts his head and one side of his mouth curls up in a crooked smile.

Magnus hums his approval, “and you like what you see?” He winks, teasing and mischievous. Alec’s grin just gets wider.

“You’re incorrigible,” laughs Alec, shaking his head.

Magnus stands to start undressing but keeps his soft, golden brown eyes set on Alec, and Alec feels a familiar heat start to rise, low in his gut. He wonders how many Shadowhunters before him spent nights alone, shame flooding through them, trying to expel their inner “demons” - how many could’ve had this, if only the Clave had been more… accepting.

Once he’s changed into only his maroon silk robe, Magnus wanders over to where Alec’s sitting on the edge of the bed, unable to take his eyes off him (and Magnus clearly knows it). He leans down, slowly, Alec can tell he’s making a show of it; the robe parting obscenely in the center, exposing his broad chest and toned abs. Alec feels his breath hitch slightly, but he can’t find it in himself to be embarrassed. Even after all this time, it’s ridiculous how easily Magnus can rile him up. But his husband stops short of kissing him - he can feel Magnus’ breath on his lips, almost chases after it when Magnus whispers against his skin,

“... you’re distracted. I can tell, darling,” he leans back, looking slightly amused - like teasing Alec is a favorite pastime (which may as well be true). Instinctively, Alec’s arm goes out to grip Magnus’ wrist. The Warlock just smiles gently and sits next to his husband. Their hands intertwine on Alec’s lap, his body nestles up right against him, “do you want to talk about the report you’re giving Jia tomorrow?”

“Not necessarily,” Alec grumbles, but his pout softens with Magnus’ laugh, “no, you’re right. I am a bit distracted.”

Magnus mindlessly fiddles with Alec’s fingers and chuckles in agreeance.

“Magnus, if this goes well… the Clave as we know it, that can be history,” he doesn’t notice when his voice rises a little with nerves, mixed with a burst of enthusiasm. Breathless words rushing out of him, “The lies, the prejudice, the baseless injustice… this is a huge step towards eliminating all of that. Downworld cabinets can be implemented at institutes across the world; we can begin the process to repair all of the damage that we’ve caused over the years. I, I know it won’t be quick or easy, but we can start rebuilding that trust…”

“And all because of you and your ingenuity,” Magnus is beaming at him, a broad smile adorns his face, and Alec can barely string a sentence together under his glowing gaze.

“It wasn’t all me,” he mutters, suddenly embarrassed for words. Magnus tsks at him disapprovingly.

“While I love your humility, my dear, the Downworlder Cabinet was your initiative,” he tilts his head to lean against Alec’s shoulder, “and I couldn’t be prouder of you.”

Alec feels a different warmth surge within him at Magnus’ words. His unrelenting support and love was something he never thought he could have.

“And to do it all just on your own authority, disregarding the Clave…” he glances up from below his lashes, “I have to say, it’s _very_ attractive,” he practically purrs. Alec barks out a laugh. _Incorrigible_ , he thinks again.

“We’re Lightwoods. We break noses and accept the consequences,” he says instead.

Magnus’ laugh is airy and pleasant, feeling like it lightens the whole room.

“You Lightwoods must have broken a lot of noses to coin that phrase.”

“Nothing that anyone didn’t deserve,” Alec rolls his eyes, “plus if all the nose-breaking got me to where I am today… then alright, then.”

He can hear Magnus smile in his breath, “alright, then,” Magnus repeats. He stands up, and pulls Alec up with him, “you have an early morning tomorrow, my love. Let’s get you ready for bed.”

Later, once they’re comfortably settled under the sheets, limbs intertwined and wrapped around each other, and Magnus’ breath starts to slow against Alec’s chest, Alec gently runs his hands through Magnus’ hair and takes another moment to thank the Angels. For after all the guilt, the anger, and the shame, they brought him to Magnus. Magnus, who set him free of the shackles he put on himself; who, from the first time they kissed, made him not want to hide anymore; who made even the heartbreak easier to bear. As he absentmindedly traces his fingers over Magnus’ back, Alec thinks of how Magnus is the one who constantly inspires Alec and gives him the courage to pursue the achievements he so readily credits Alec for. But that seems to embody who Magnus is - unassuming and generous. He thinks of his upcoming meeting with Jia, and hopes that will be a step toward a better future for Magnus. A way in which Alec can give back to his love.

Nerves flare back up at the thought of tomorrow. Alec pulls his husband in closer, wrapping himself in the comforting sandalwood scent as he wills himself to sleep.

* * *

Classical music is ringing through the loft this afternoon. Alec has always appreciated Magnus’ wide range of taste in music, which has expanded his repertoire in turn. The apartment is quiet aside from the humming of the string orchestra, meaning the Warlock was most likely without a client today.

Alec hastily makes his way toward Magnus’ apothecary, shoulders still tense after his meeting with Jia. He feels like he’s hardly taken a breath since leaving her office, needing to see his husband.

As he nears the apothecary, Alec notices that the door was left ajar. He can see his husband inside, sprinkling some sort of dust into a stone mortar while reading instructions from a large book beside it. He’s glowing in the daylight, impeccably styled head to toe; coiffed hair colored blue at the tips, the deep navy vest he’s wearing over his fitted black shirt sheens where the light catches it, and his rings sparkle with every flourish of his hands. He’s breathtaking.

As Alec shifts his weight, trying to get a better look at the Warlock at work, the floor creaks. Loudly.

“Shit,”

Magnus’ eyes shoot up from where they were focused on his book, “Alexander?”

“Uh, hey, I - uh,” Alec attempts to open the door casually, as if he wasn’t just standing there silently gawking at Magnus while he mixes his potion, but hits his elbow on the way in. He winces, then proceeds to trip on his own toes (with his superior Shadowhunter grace that Magnus likes to tease him about every now and then), and finally awkwardly stumbles into the room to face a stunned Magnus.

“Well that was something,” Magnus shakes his head with a bit of a laugh and puts down the ingredients for whatever potion he is working on, “I didn’t realize you were home.”

He walks up to a fiercely blushing Alec, and snickers (but has the decency to try and hide it with a finger - it doesn’t work).

“Yeah, I, uh, I just got home,” Alec stutters around his words, grimacing. He can feel the heat rise up his neck and he averts his eyes from Magnus, who is clearly amused. Thankfully, he quickly puts Alec out his misery by dropping the subject.

“Shall we go sit down so you can tell me how your meeting with Jia went?” He asks, eyes vibrant with enthusiasm. Alec wonders if “how his meeting went” really mattered to Magnus. He thinks that Magnus would be just as excited for him - _proud_ of him - even if the Clave shut him down cold. He feels a wave of warmth wash over him at the thought, and his lips twitch in a hint of a smile.

They wander over to the living room, where Magnus pulls him down next to him on the sofa. His hand comes to rest comfortably on Alec’s back, and his brown eyes, expertly framed by delicate wing liner, are surveying Alec’s, trying to get a read on his meeting. For a second, Alec gets lost in the golden specks, sparkling in the bright afternoon sunlight.

“Alexander?”

“Right - sorry,” Alec stammers, reeling a bit from being forced back into reality. He takes a long, calming breath, “she thought the results are promising and wants me to assist in forming Downworlder Cabinets at a few other key institutes globally. Just a few at first, starting at the bigger cities. But if those go well, she thinks we should implement them everywhere.”

He says it all at once, barely taking an extra breath until he lets it all out, and Magnus looks at him with wide eyes.

“Alexander,” his voice is soft, full of awe at first, but his excitement quickly wins over, “Alexander, that’s amazing… you’re amazing!” He wraps his arms around Alec in a tight hug and Alec can feel all the tension he’s been holding in his body wash away, melting into Magnus’ embrace like someone cut the invisible strings that were holding his muscles taut. It didn’t feel real until this moment, when he was sharing the news with the love of his life. A wide grin spreads on his face, and all of a sudden he feels giddy.

“You did it, darling,” there’s a slight tremor in his husband’s voice that makes Alec hold him tighter.

“You know it’s all thanks to you, right?” He whispers into Magnus’ ear, “yesterday, you said it was all me. But the Cabinet? Our victory? Fuck, even Alicante… none of it would be if it weren’t for you.”

Alec leans back so he can see Magnus, who smiles at him with eyes bright from building tears.

“Well, then,” he snaps his fingers and two tall glasses of champagne appear. He hands one to Alec, “to us.”

Alec can’t help the huff of laughter that spills out.

“To us.”

Their glasses meet with a quiet _clink_ and they take a sip of the champagne. Alec isn’t much of a drinker, but he can tell that Magnus brought out the good stuff.

“Alright, I want the details! Tell me more,” Magnus turns his body to face Alec, and rests his elbow on the back of the sofa. He’s slightly leaned toward Alec, comfortably nestling himself into Alec’s space, “how will you do all that while running the Institute?”

Alec tenses again. This was the part that he had been nervous about telling Magnus. He thinks Magnus will be happy for him; they have been having discussions about possibly relocating to Alicante, perhaps finding a way for Magnus to make use of his Warlock abilities at the rapidly evolving city. But nothing was set in stone, and they hadn’t expected the change to happen so quickly.

“I… I wouldn’t be,” he breathes out, Magnus tilts his head in question. “Jia offered me a position…”

His throat suddenly feels dry, and it isn’t until Magnus lays an encouraging hand on Alec’s, that he can continue.

“Magnus, they’re offering me the role of Inquisitor.”

Magnus is silent. He’s looking at Alec, surprise apparent in his widened eyes. Alec can see him process the information, nodding slowly as he does.

“I…” he starts slowly, “I guess we’re moving to Alicante, then.”

It’s Alec who’s shocked into silence this time.

“...just like that?” He barely manages to squeak the words out. Magnus beams at him, no shade of doubt in his expression.

“We’ve been discussing this for a while now, darling,” he laughs.

“But, it isn’t exactly how we planned it…”

“Inquisitor? Alexander, we all know you aren’t going to pass up this opportunity,” his warm palm caresses Alec’s cheek, “I can’t think of a more deserving person for the role.”

He gives Alec a quick peck, still gleaming at him when he leans back again. He waves his hand with an exaggerated flutter.

“Not to mention I get to cross _extravagant arm candy_ off of my bucket list. I’ve always wanted to try that… What's the social scene like in Alicante? Will I have to make nice with bored housewives?” His eyebrows knit together adorably, and Alec can feel the ends of his lips stretch into a broad smile.

“Magnus,” he interrupts Magnus’ rambling (something about _Real Housewives_ that Alec can’t really follow) with a kiss. Not chaste, like Magnus’ peck - he takes his time. Alec wraps his hand around the back of Magnus’ head, fingers curling into the hair at the nape of his neck. He angles his head so that he has better access, and gently takes Magnus’ bottom lip between his teeth. He can’t suppress the shiver that runs through him when Magnus lets out a breathy moan. He licks at the seam of Magnus’ lips, and moves back before he gets completely distracted.

“There’s one more thing…”

Magnus is leaning forward, frozen where Alec left him, lips slightly parted and a small frustrated crease between his brows, “darling - can this not wait until after we finish what _you_ just started?”

“There’s another new position…” Alec takes Magnus’ hand in his own, and rests it on his lap. Magnus seems to sense the change in his energy and sits back up, looking at him with a hint of skepticism. “And ultimately it isn’t up to me, but I think, I think you’re a shoe-in for it.”

Magnus narrows his eyes, “what are you…”

“They’re instituting a High Warlock of Alicante,” Alec squeezes Magnus’ hand, “and I think maybe… maybe the other Warlocks would agree, that you’re the most qualified…”

His husband’s eyebrows shoot up toward the ceiling. Ever since returning from Edom, Alec has seen Magnus regain the confidence and trust of his people. There was even some pressure for Lorenzo to step down from his position of High Warlock of Brooklyn so that Magnus could reclaim it. Magnus didn’t make a move to take back the mantle, however, letting Lorenzo settle back into the role (he seems much more level-headed and fair since their battle in Edom; Alec guesses that his relationship with Underhill may have played a role in him mellowing out). While Magnus didn’t try to step back into the High Warlock position, Alec knows he misses it; caring for the other Warlocks, feeling like he’s making a difference in their lives.

“...do you really think…” Magnus’ reply is hesitant and Alec nods, determined.

“I can’t think of anyone better suited for the job.”

“You’re a little biased, my love,” he laughs, airily.

“You’re the most powerful Warlock I know, and there’s no one else who thinks more of their people than you… what more could the others hope for in a leader?” He cups Magnus’ cheek, “we did it, babe.”

When they got married, they had hoped it would send a message of unity; the ceremony being held at the Institute acting as a not-so-subtle “fuck you” to the outdated beliefs held by the Clave. Now, not even a year later, here they are… Alec finds himself breathless at the thought.

“We did it,” Magnus’ laugh is wet and shaky, but Alec can hear all the joy, pride, and elation in just those three words.

“So I guess, we have even more to celebrate for than we originally thought,” Alec picks up their champagne flutes, forgotten on their coffee table, and hands one to Magnus.

“To us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me through this work. It’s the first thing I’ve ever shared with the public, and your kudos and comments have really kept me going.  
> One more chapter to go, and it’s possibly my favorite song in the album so I hope I can do it justice.
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


	13. Without Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He thinks of the journey their lives took to get to this point, where they got to have their beautiful family. How empty his life had been before meeting Alec. How much Alec’s love has changed him. He recalls his frivolous parties, making superficial connections in lieu of finding something real; early on in their relationship, when he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop; how he never felt worthy, hesitant to lean into Alec’s love in fear that he may lose it all. So many times, Magnus tried to run from this - to convince himself that happiness would only destroy him in the end.
> 
> ***
> 
> 5 times Magnus tries to talk himself out of love and 1 time (out of many) he embraces it.  
> Inspired by “Without Fear” by Dermot Kennedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The final installment of the series.  
> This chapter is written as a complement piece to “An Evening I Will Not Forget” but can be read as a standalone as well.  
> I hope you enjoy :)

**1\. If there were others in the room I didn’t see ‘em babe**

Magnus can feel his Warlock mark on full display, pure rage fueling his magic that glows blue at the palm of his hands. His eyes would be a glaring, molten gold. As they circle each other at a stalemate, the Circle member smirks, and Magnus feels another pang of resentment flare up within him.

“You’re cat’s eyes… will be a nice addition to my collection.” 

Oh he is going to _kill_ him.

But before he gets a chance to make a move, an arrow strikes his leg. The man grunts in pain and falls to the ground, giving Magnus a moment to blast him with his magic. There is no way he’s coming back from that one - Magnus leans back, satisfied.

“Well done,” a low (and impressed, if Magnus may say himself) voice cuts through the tense air.

“More like medium rare.” 

He turns around toward his unexpected ally, and -

 _Oh_. 

Magnus remembers the archer. Tall, lithe figure with a distinct rune (the deflect rune, if he recalls correctly) adorning the pale skin on his neck. He had assisted him earlier at Pandemonium, taking out a Circle member while Magnus was distracted by Clary Fairchild. He was clearly a skilled marksman with the bow; the hit on the enemy was dead on. And when he walked across the club from where he was perched up on the stairs, Magnus could barely contain catcalling the man (his enthusiastic “ _who are YOU?_ ” is considered extremely tame - just ask his friends). The shock of seeing the handsome Shadowhunter who cared enough to save him (although if Magnus is being completely honest, he was probably saving Clary and Blondie) was almost enough to make him forget what he had been trying to do.

The archer looks about the room with guarded hazel eyes, making sure that no other Circle members are around. Magnus walks up to him, intrigued.

“I’m Magnus, I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.”

“...Alec,” Alec - short for Alexander, Magnus guesses - responds with a crooked smile. It makes him look soft, unlike the way he looked at Pandemonium when Magnus first spotted him, or even just a moment before when he was surveying the room. For a moment the two just stand there, and something curls excitedly in Magnus’ heart as he sees the grin on the Shadowhunter’s face. The feeling is familiar, but feels long-lost. He stands there, wanting to bask in that warm feeling, until Alec pulls him back to the harsh reality.

“Oh, uh… we should, uhm, we should really…” he stammers adorably, pointing toward the door, “you know, probably get - you know.”

There’s something extremely endearing about how he stumbles his way through his greeting. It felt honest - unlike the calculating, manipulative treatment Magnus had seen from the Nephilim throughout his life. The flutter in Magnus’ heart grows stronger.

“Right. We should join the party,” he smiles at Alec, who seems to sigh in relief of getting his point across.

“Right,” Alec responds, under his breath (he can’t be sure, but Magnus thinks he caught Alec’s eyes dart down to his lips for a split second). He quickly turns around to join the other Shadowhunters.

Magnus takes one last look around the room before he follows, “this fight is far from over.” He knows he’ll have to move - he can’t stay in this townhome any longer now that the Circle has infiltrated it. He lets out a disappointed sigh and follows the archer out of the room.

* * *

The fact that Alexander Lightwood seems to have lived his life oblivious to his attractiveness is a true catastrophe if you ask Magnus. True, both Isabelle Lightwood and Jace Wayland are objectively good-looking (though the latter is really not his type - a little too… brutish), but Alec had a distinct allure about him and Magnus couldn’t keep his eyes off of him. He may have been making a show of it (much to Izzy’s amusement), but something tells Magnus that Alec isn’t used to being pined after. And a man like that deserves some pining (Magnus didn’t miss the hint of a smile that broke through Alec’s perma-scowl at being called “pretty boy”).

It’s all fun and games until they lose control of the memory demon. Magnus barely has time to think about the jolt of energy he felt when he took Alec’s hand. The next thing he knows, his Shadowhunter (not his - he chides himself) sees a memory of his Parabatai fade into the dark cloud and he _panics_. In a swift series of events, the chain is broken, Jace almost pulled into hell with the memory demon, and Clary has to save him before he disappears.

 _I suppose this is what I get for agreeing to meddle with the Nephilim._ Magnus thinks to himself, straightening out his vest and checking for any possible ichor on his clothes. Once Jace comes to, Magnus sees Alec silently shift to the doorway, away from the other Shadowhunters.

He knows that look. He’s seen that look many times over the years, and suddenly he feels more than just an attraction to the tall, dark haired man. Perhaps it was in his eyes - burning bright with all of the words he refuses to say out loud. The tension he holds in every one of his movements screaming his beautiful truth in spite of his attempts to keep himself hidden. This boy is dangerous - Magnus hears the warning sirens blaring loud in his head.

But before he knows it, he is standing beside Alec, who resolutely avoids eye contact.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Alec,” he whispers gently.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Alec’s voice is low, his breathing labored by the fear of losing his Parabatai from his own panic. He grits out every word, as if they bring him physical pain. Magnus feels the edges of his eyes drop, his mouth stretches in a thin line.

“You will.”

As he leaves the room to let the Shadowhunters finish their business, the flicker of something he hasn’t felt in a while returns to Magnus. Just as quickly, a shrill voice in his head begins fighting the warmth that attempts to fill his heart.

_Hundreds of years old, and still chasing after love? So naive. Really, Magnus, when are you ever going to learn?_

Is he really so naive? A young Shadowhunter (a Lightwood, at that) who clearly hasn’t given himself the permission to love who he wants to… his grimace pulls further downward.

“Magnus,” he’s snapped out of his trance by Izzy’s hesitant voice. When the Warlock looks back into the room, Clary and Alec keep their hands on Jace’s arms, making sure he’s stable. “We’re going to head back to the Institute. Thank you, for everything.” She fidgets with the ruby that hangs heavy on her neck.

“My pleasure,” he replies easily, “I’m sorry you didn’t find what you were looking for.”

He feels generous, so he creates a portal for them, and bids them goodnight.

Once the team leaves, and he’s left alone to redecorate his brand new loft, Magnus keeps getting distracted by thoughts of hazel eyes. Each reminder brings a soft smile to his face despite himself.

Perhaps he is naive. But for now, Magnus lets himself be distracted.

* * *

**2\. Now alone, well, it’s all I know**

“Mags!”

The Warlock turns around at the familiar voice that carries above the crowd, light and happy.

“Dorothea, what a pleasure,” he leans in to kiss his old friend on the cheek, “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Great party you’ve got going here,” she says, looking around. Magnus’ townhouse is crowded with Warlocks drinking, dancing, and socializing. The High Warlock surveys the room, and nods in approval.

“You know me. I can’t throw a half-assed party. That would be criminal,” he winks at Dot, who just chuckles incredulously in response.

“I can’t stay long - Jocelyn has plans, and I told her I’ll stay with Clary tonight,” she grabs a drink from a server walking by.

Magnus raises one eyebrow, “isn’t Clary Fairchild a bit too old to have a babysitter?”

“Well I told Clary it was a girl’s night…” Dot rolls her eyes, “but she’s almost eighteen, and I think Jocelyn is getting worried. Plus, I don’t mind. While I hate to miss a good party, I haven’t been able to spend as much time with just Clary recently. It’ll be nice to catch up.”

“I have to say, you’ve gotten yourself attached to a dangerous family, Dorothea,” Magnus grimaces - while he had come to have a soft spot for Jocelyn and her bright eyed daughter, he doesn’t like the idea of Dot coming in harm's way for them. Valentine Morgenstern is not to be trifled with, and Magnus, like Jocelyn, has no doubt that he’ll eventually make his way back from his presumed death. Dot smiles at him, a hint of sadness (or perhaps pity?) in her eyes.

“I know, and I appreciate your concern, Magnus. I really do,” she rests her palm against Magnus’ cheek. The touch is gentle, almost like a lover, and it makes something in Magnus’ gut twist. He thinks it might be lust - the two of them have had some wonderful nights together, but there’s a subtle tinge of longing in the feeling that grips him. “But Jocelyn and Clary are like family to me, and I want to help them.”

She seems certain in her decision, so Magnus sees no point in pressing the point. He can’t help the roll of his eyes as he presses his martini glass to his lips.

“To each their own,” he mutters around his glass. Dot shoots him a sideway glance and grins.

“Do you ever think of settling down? I don’t think I’ve seen you with anyone specific for a while,” she cocks her head to the side, “it’s nice, you know? Having a family to rely on.”

Magnus smiles, “I’m the High Warlock of Brooklyn. My people are my family, Dot. As for anyone _specific_ , as you say, as High Warlock I have a responsibility to my people, and it leaves little time for romance. I have to stay sharp, stay focused.” He taps his temple with a manicured finger, as if to prove a point, but Dot still looks skeptical.

“I just feel you’ve looked a little… lost, recently.” She glances over him with an assessing eye. Magnus tries to smile in return, but he isn’t sure how convincing it is.

“I’m fine, Dorothea. Although I appreciate the thought.” He grips her shoulder in what he hopes is a reassuring manner, “are you okay on time?”

Dot checks her phone and scrunches her face, “shoot - you’re right. I should make my rounds and head out soon. What’s your snack game like tonight?”

“Only the best,” responds Magnus with a playful wink, earning a hearty laugh in response, “But I highly recommend the crab cakes, the Turkish spiced meatballs, and the chocolate cheesecake bites.”

“I knew I could count on you! I hope you don’t mind if I bring some with me for Clary.”

“Not at all.”

The two say their good-byes, and Dot is on her way. Magnus watches as she snakes her way through the crowd, and turns on his heel. He walks briskly up the stairs, exchanging pleasantries with the Warlocks as he passes, but not stopping for any conversation. He closes the door behind him once he enters his bedroom.

_I just feel you’ve looked a little… lost, recently_

He wonders how obvious his emptiness is; his days, grey and dull, seem to just repeat endlessly. He has lived a happy, long life, so perhaps this is just part of being immortal. But he feels stuck in this decades-long slump, going through the motions, waiting for some unnatural death to take him…

Magnus lets out a sharp exhale, and shakes his head at the thought.  
Love, family… He’s tried _love_. He’s given everything he had and received just shattered fragments of his heart in return. It’s almost enough to have him consider that Camille might be right - love isn’t for immortals; he can only have his heart broken so many times.

“Get it together, Bane,” Magnus mutters under his breath. 

Perhaps this is just what it means to be immortal - he thinks again. 

But Magnus is the High Warlock of Brooklyn. He has his people to care for, and they are currently in his home at a party abandoned by himself. He pastes a brilliant smile back on his face, and heads back to rejoin the party.

* * *

**3\. Like you’re saying “I’m here now”**

Magnus Bane never makes it easy on his partners. He isn’t proud of the fact, but he knows this. He isn’t an easy man to be in a relationship to begin with. He is what the youths call “extra”, he has a penchant for theatrics, and he’s more than aware that he comes with baggage.

* * *

So at their first date, when Alec finally told him that he’s never dated anyone before, Magnus felt like it was the beginning of the end. Alec seemed to balk at the number of partners Magnus has had over his long life. He was quiet through the whole walk home, and Magnus felt a familiar grip surround his heart.

_Maybe this time_

He thought, naively. Camille was right - love had always been Magnus Achilles’ Heel. He sighed, knowing what was coming.

“ _You think… Maybe we’re too…_ ” Alec’s voice was hesitant.

“ _Different?_ ” He finished his sentence for him, seeing that the Shadowhunter was struggling to put it into words.

“ _Yeah._ ”

“ _We’re from totally different worlds._ ”

“ _Different, centuries._ ” sighed Alec, his eyes darting around the room. Magnus couldn’t decide where to set his gaze either, the disappointment weighed heavy on his heart. Both of them got wrapped up in the romance, both wanted this to work so desperately. Alec pointed weakly at the door, “ _look I… I should go._ ”

Magnus wanted to call out to him, his heart ached at the thought of letting him leave like this. But he didn’t have the words. Alec was young, he was new to this. Now that he was out, he had boundless opportunities ahead of him. Magnus was… well he was Magnus. He had no right to call after Alec and beg for a chance.

He never expected Alec to come back.

But Alec kept surprising him and Magnus thought, _maybe this time_ , even as the whisper in his brain added, _I wonder how long I get to have this_.

* * *

That whisper was right there when Alec wanted to take their relationship to the next step.

“ _I may be experienced, but… It’s rare that I’ve ever felt this way about someone. And I worry that once we…_ ” he turned away as he spoke, unable to look Alec in the eye, “ _that if we rush into this… that I may lose you._ ”

“ _What? Why would you think that?_ ” The disbelief was clear in Alec’s voice, as if the idea was completely unfathomable.

“ _Look, you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable._ ” Magnus wondered if he was being too open. He couldn’t shake the thought of Alec just expecting a quick hookup, or a surefire way to get rid of his virginity.

“ _Magnus. You have nothing to worry about._ _I want this._ ”

The kisses felt sincere, so much so that Magnus next felt the guilt rise in him for doubting his boyfriend. He never knew Alec to be anything but genuine and caring. He had done nothing to earn Magnus’ uncharitable thoughts. The nerves began to melt, and Magnus let Alec’s enthusiasm wash over him.

Before he knew it, they were both giggling messes. Kissing each other like breathing was overrated, grasping at each other’s clothing, barely wanting to part even to pull a shirt off. A giddiness bubbled up in him, something he hadn’t felt in a long while. Excitement, lust, and affection all mixed into a heady euphoria, the earlier trepidation feeling like a long-lost memory.

Until Magnus lost his grip on his glamor.

He broke away instantly - embarrassment flushing through him for acting like some out-of-control horny teenager. In his panic, he struggled to regain control over his glamor, the emotional whiplash causing his magic to go haywire.

“ _What… am I doing something wrong?_ ”

“ _-no such thing,_ ” he huffed out, trying to bring some levity, some reassurance. He knew that his reaction must be worrying his inexperienced boyfriend.

“ _Well then,_ ” Magnus heard Alec getting up, “ _what… do you not want to?_ ”

“ _No… I mean, yes, of course I do._ ”

“ _Magnus,_ ” Alec laid a warm hand on his shoulder. Gentle, grounding, “ _what is it?_ ”

“ _It’s just… sometimes, I lose control._ ” The Shadowhunter deserved an explanation, and as much as Magnus wished he could put off showing him his Warlock mark, there was a part of him that needed to know how Alec would react. Slowly, he turned around.

He wasn’t sure what to expect. His mark had scared off even the people who were supposed to love him unconditionally. Had caused so much pain in his life. With many of his lovers, it had incited fear or discomfort. _Unnatural_ , they called him. _An Abomination_.

What Magnus didn’t expect was the soft smile that broke through the concern etched on Alec’s face. His eyes softened, and when he opened his mouth, the voice that came out of it was one full of awe.

“ _Magnus,_ ” he whispered, as he shifted a bit to face the Warlock. He lifted up a hand to cup his face, “ _they’re beautiful… You’re beautiful._ ”

There was nothing in his voice for Magnus to question. Alec just looked at him with pure amazement, as if Magnus was someone truly special. And the fervor in Alec’s hazel eyes, now burning a dark amber from the dim lights in the room, was almost enough to let Magnus believe him.

 _Maybe this time_ , he thought. The whisper in his brain added, _at least while everything is new and shiny_.

* * *

There was nothing shiny about Magnus’ past. After reliving his worst memory over and over and over again because of Imogen’s agony rune, Magnus felt like a shell of the man that he’s become.

He knew Alec could tell. He knew he wasn’t doing the best job hiding it, obsessively overdressing (in the last few days, he had changed his hair tips and manicure colors more times than he had in the past month), barely sleeping with no explanation (while he loved that Alec was spending more time at the loft with him, he didn’t know how to explain away his restless nights). He had also never been great at asking for help.

But how do you tell someone you couldn’t bear to lose the deepest, darkest, cruelest part of your life?

When Alec finally managed to coax Magnus into opening up, he was a wreck. Alec let him speak, focused eyes trained on him as he spit out the words, pulling the story together.

_You’re an abomination_

The voice that echoed in his head was his stepfather’s… or was it his own? Magnus couldn’t tell through the ringing in his ears. Tears began to flow openly, and he couldn’t bring himself to look Alec in the eyes. He didn’t want to see the pity, the fear, the loathing… 

“ _You were just a boy,_ ” Alec replied, shaking his head, “ _you weren’t in control of your powers._ ”

“ _Yes… Actually I was,_ ” Magnus almost chanced a glance up at the Shadowhunter, needing to see his reaction, but he immediately dropped his eyes again. “ _I never wanted you to see this… terrible, ugly side of me -_ ” the words came out through sniffles, “- _of my past._ ”

 _It’s over_ , the whisper in his head was gleeful, _there’s no way he’s staying now_.

“ _Hey,_ ” Alec’s voice was firm. A hand came up and cradled the side of Magnus’ head, and the warmth was a comforting weight. Magnus looked up this time and met Alec’s bright, hazel gaze, “ _there is_ nothing _ugly about you._ ”

Alec wrapped Magnus in a tight hug, anchoring him to the moment, reminding him that maybe, perhaps Magnus could be worthy of love. Of the love of someone like Alec Lightwood.

 _Maybe this time_. The whisper was there to object, but it was quieter this time - _he doesn’t know how deep the damage runs._

* * *

Alec learns how deep the pain goes. But every time Magnus finds a reason for Alec to leave, Alec stays. With an earnest determination in his eyes and loving words that he readily shares without a hint of hesitation. As if to reassure Magnus each time, “I’m here now.” As if continuing to love Magnus was the simplest thing in the world.

And with every look, ever hold, every kiss, every smile, he goes and brakes all of Magnus’ defenses.

Magnus can’t help the hope that blossoms in his heart, the words on refrain like a gentle prayer.

_Maybe this time._

* * *

**4\. I’m moving on a feeling here, I don’t know**

Magnus stands on his balcony, absently fiddling with the omamori charm in his pocket. The evening is young, the sky just starting to fade into a deep royal blue. He’s been sitting there a while, cocktail in hand, watching as Brooklyn shifts into night. Alec was with him until about an hour ago; he had walked him home after a day in the East Village (Alec finally convinced him to eat that monstrosity of a burger - and Magnus has yet to admit to him how much he actually enjoyed it), and had left for patrols. 

“ _I feel better, knowing you got home safely,_ ” he said, looking a little shy (Magnus likes to remind him that he’s the High Warlock of Brooklyn, and perfectly capable of getting himself home safely - Alec just rolls his eyes, but Magnus notes how his cheeks blush a faint pink). They kissed when he left, and if he closes his eyes, Magnus can see the glowing grin that Alec gave him as he closed the front door (he doesn’t think he could forget his carefree laugh from the diner if he tried). He pulls the omamori charm out of his pocket and beams at it. He tries and fails to think of the last time someone just gave him something for no reason other than the fact that they wanted to.

Brainstorming what he could return as a thank you has occupied a significant portion of the evening. Perhaps Magnus can take him somewhere new, somewhere he would love. He can easily imagine Alec laughing, telling him that he doesn’t need to do that for him, but something about thought makes him want to do it even more. He gathers what he’s learned about his Shadowhunter boyfriend so far and remembers that Spain has a special place in his heart because of his parents.

_Barcelona would be beautiful this time of year..._

He starts putting together a mental list of places they could visit. He has a feeling Alec would love the architecture in the city.

Alec is… different - Magnus knew this early on. What he’s starting to notice, however, is that he’s ‘different’ in unexpected ways. It isn’t all rainbows and butterflies - they’ve had a handful of arguments, but Alec listens. Just like he promised at their first date, he puts in the effort. With each argument, their relationship seemingly comes back stronger, always growing. Magnus still fights Camille's venom that lingers in a corner of his brain, and there are certain things about his life that he hopes Alec never learns of. But when he sees Alec grapple with the internal shame that he’s grown up with and slowly overcome his demons, he realizes that there’s beauty in being broken. Sometimes, what’s built back together can be even stronger, even more beautiful than what was there before.

Magnus feels a little on edge, not knowing why. He’s been feeling it more and more after his dates with Alec. He takes a sip of his cocktail, and turns his attention back out to the city. He loves the quiet moments like these, finding stillness in life as the world keeps moving around him. He spots a couple in the building across from his, dancing in their living room. They’re giggling as the man twirls her. She breaks out into outright laughter when he almost drops her at the dip. A small child comes up to them and they break apart - the father (he presumes) picks up the child, making exaggerated facial movements as he talks to them. The mother smiles at the two, love apparent in her eyes. An unexpected pang of longing strikes him as he watches this scene of perfect domesticity. He had never particularly wanted to be married, and he’s long come to terms with the fact that he isn’t able to have biological children. He has his people, and the other Downworlders who he’s taken under his wings, and he’s been… content. Magnus furrows his brows and wonders when ‘content’ stopped being good enough, but he doesn’t have to dig deep to know the answer.

The Shadowhunter has uncovered a dusty corner of his heart, and seems determined to keep wrenching open the boxes Magnus had carefully locked up. He makes Magnus see his life in ways that he never imagined, to feel things, to want things. And _want_ can be a dangerous game, often resulting in disappointment at best.

Magnus glances back at the window of the family who have now moved out of the Warlock’s view, taking another long sip of his drink as he does so. The images of Alec’s grin as he left and that full-bellied laughter that rang through the diner run through his mind, and a small chuckle escapes his lips. He has a literal eternity to worry about the future.

Maybe this is a chance for him to move on this feeling instead.

* * *

**5\. Without fear, now**

Magnus wakes in a sweat, breathing erratic, and he feels the tears welling right at the edge of his eyes. It’s been a while since he had a nightmare, but they like to surprise him when he thinks he’s finally over the insecurities that have a vice like grip around his heart. On nights like these, he can’t help but wonder if this’ll all work out.

His husband starts stirring beside him.

“Magnus?” Alec mutters, clearly still half asleep.

“I’m, I’m sorry darling,” Magnus replies around shallow breaths, trying desperately hard not to wake Alec even more than he already has, “I’m okay -”

He starts to push himself off the bed so that he isn’t bothering Alec, but Alec’s hand comes out to grab his wrist before he can get out of the blankets.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” His voice is more awake now, he’s perched himself up on his elbow, and even in the dimness of the bedroom, Magnus can see the small crease between his furrowed brows. “‘you have another nightmare?”

The silence seems to be enough of an answer for Alec, who moves his hand from Magnus’ wrist up to cradle his neck.

“C’mere,” he says, pulling Magnus toward him. They lay back down, Alec taking long, deliberate breaths for Magnus to mirror. Magnus thinks of how these breathing exercises have become a ‘thing’ for them. Something that keeps them connected and grounded when one begins drifting away. He matches his breathing to Alec’s and feels the effects immediately. His body is still rigid, a harsh contrast to Alec’s relaxed form that he’s pressed up against. Alec nuzzles Magnus’ hair, still breathing deeply, and Magnus feels his tears start to come. He acknowledges in a bit of a haze that Alec pulls the blankets up around them again, everything is in a slight blur through the tears. He tries to focus on tracing the familiar lines of Alec’s runes, but it feels like a losing game.

“I love you so much,” whispers Alec, his voice cutting through the fog. He’s rubbing soft circles on Magnus’ back, “and I know I fucked up, but I’m here now, and I’ll be here always, for as long as you let me.”

He just keeps repeating the words in a gentle whisper, his hands keep rubbing Magnus’ back. Magnus coils his arms around Alec’s torso and grips tightly. He lets the tears flow, his shoulders quietly tremble against Alec’s chest. Alec leans down to drop a kiss on Magnus’ forehead, then lifts Magnus chin so he can kiss his tear stained cheek. Magnus has long given up trying to put up a front for Alec. He lets his heart take the lead - the Warlock lets his husband shower him with affection.

“You’re it, Magnus,” Alec breathes out the words against Magnus’ skin. Saying his name again in _that way_ again; like it’s sacred, like he’s worthy of worship. “You’re my one. And I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you know that.”

Magnus pulls back a little, and feels Alec’s arms tense around him as he does.

“Magnus?”

Magnus peers up through his lashes to see Alec’s eyes; they shake a little, uncertain and wary.

“I just wanted to see your face properly,” he whispers, and tries to smile. He isn’t sure if he manages an actual smile, but Alec gives him a weak smile in response.

“I love you, Magnus.” His eyes are clear again, the wariness gone. They’re soft and gentle - overflowing with the sincerity that Magnus has come to rely on. He leans up and kisses his husband, soft and sweet. Both of Alec’s hands come up to cradle his face, his thumbs wiping the remnants of tears. When they part, he brings Magnus back into a tight embrace. Magnus feels all of the tension melt away from his body as he releases a shaky sigh.

Wrapped up in the comfort of Alec’s arms, Magnus knows that he’s exactly where he’s meant to be. And somewhere inside him, he feels a thread snap.

He trusts Alec with his whole heart. The revelation isn’t new, but somehow it settles more comfortably in him, a sense of calm filling him as it does. Magnus may keep having nightmares, if he’s learned anything from his long life, it’s that demons don’t just disappear no matter how much you wish them to. But he has long forgiven Alec (there was never anything to forgive, even though Alec may choose to punish himself). He’s never been happier than in Alec’s arms, and he knows he would never find peace without Alec, even with the occasional nightmares.

So Magnus closes his eyes. His husband’s loving arms warmly lull him to sleep, holding him tightly, as if to tell him, “without fear, now.”

* * *

**+1 Now I really think you’re heaven-sent**

“Bye Magnus! Bye Rafe! Bye Max!”

Madzie enthusiastically waves her hand as the three prepare to leave the house. Magnus beams at her; she has become such a great sister-figure to the boys.

“Bye Mazzie,” Max runs up to give her a tight hug. Rafael waves, a small smile spreads on his face. He doesn’t wear his emotions on his sleeve like his brother, but Magnus knows he loves visiting Madzie and Catarina and is often the first to ask about their next visit.

“Alright, boys! I know I promised we’d have an adventure on our way home today,” Magnus says, picking Max up from where he continues to hug Madzie so tightly that her smile was starting to look a little more like a grimace, “but it’s raining and windy outside, so,”

“NOOOOOOOOOO,” he’s quickly interrupted by Max, who looks at Magnus like he’s taken his favorite toy (which is currently a stuffed purple dinosaur that Alec picked up at a mundane store), eyes already watery, “Papa, you promised!”

Rafe walks up next to where Magnus stands and grabs onto the bottom of his shirt, he looks up at him with bright, innocent eyes, “I don’t mind the rain, Papa.”

And how is Magnus ever going to say no to these two? Being the strict parent was Alec’s job. The edges of his eyes crinkle, and his face melts into a soft smile, “oh fine! But if your Dad gets mad at us for making a mess when we get home, I’m blaming the two of you!”

“Magnus, you are _whipped_ ,” Catalina laughs as she comes to see them off, she musses up Rafael’s hair, “you boys sure know how to get your way, don’t you?”

Rafael shrugs like he knows nothing of it, and Max giggles in a way that makes Magnus believe he has no clue what’s going on. Magnus gives him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Okay, then. Boys, do you have your rain boots on?”

“They’re DINOSAURS!” Max squeals excitedly. The boots are new, and he got to choose the design. Rafael nods and wiggles his feet to prove his point.

“You have your rain jackets? And your hats?”

“Yes, Papa, we’re ready. Can we please go now?” Rafael responds with a roll of his eyes. Catarina’s eyebrows dart up.

“That sass! At least he said the magic word,” she grins at Magnus, who just laughs in response. Rafael pouts, looking appropriately chastised. Magnus leans around Max to give Catarina a kiss on each cheek.

“It was lovely catching up, my friend,” he winks at Madzie, “you too, my dear.”

“Say hi to Alec for me,” she replies with another wave.

After a final round of goodbyes, the three left for their promised adventure.

* * *

The adventure turns out to be looking for a souvenir for Alec, which the boys dive into with great enthusiasm.

“Bluebird, I don’t think Dad needs a antique dinosaur figure…” Magnus has to keep an eye on the young Warlock who seems to have developed a penchant for grabbing (and magic-ing away, if Magnus isn’t paying enough attention) anything that catches his eyes. He scoops up the boy again, so that he can keep a closer eye on him. Magnus takes his time looking through the shelves of antiques. The items further back on the shelves have a thin layer of dust on them, and the room has that musky scent unique to antique shops or used bookstores. The shop is dimly lit, the windows are covered. The owner claims it’s to protect the items from sunlight, but in actuality it’s to protect the owner; an old Vampire who’s collected countless artifacts both from the Downworld and the mundane world over his long life. The man is an insufferable snob, but his shop is one of Magnus’ favorites.

Rafael, who has a sharp eye for gifts, is glancing around intently, eyes focused on the lower shelves. He’s been directing Magnus through the aisles, hand gripped tightly in his father’s. Magnus can’t help the smile that blooms on his face.

It’s been a while since they’ve been able to have a family day. Alec and Magnus both work long hours, and while they try to spend quality time with the boys, they aren’t often able to spend full days with them. So on the rare occasions that one of them had the day off like Magnus today, they made the most of it. He’s been out with the kids all day, and Alec should be home from work by now, preparing dinner. A small tug on his hand startles him out of his daydream.

“Papa!”

Magnus looks down at Rafael (and takes a glowing red orb out of Max’s hands as he does so), who is holding up a pendant with an antique stone arrowhead. Magnus takes it in his hand and inspects the piece. It was a beautiful steel grey - _granite_ , Magnus determines - and had a rune carved into it. An old Nephilim relic, then. Magnus studies the rune and smiles. It’s perfect.

“Rafe, do you know what this rune is?” He asks the young Shadowhunter, who expectantly waits for Magnus’ assessment. He shakes his head, the boy is still just starting his studies of runes.

“It’s for ‘Love’ - specifically, ‘Agape’ or ‘unconditional love’,” he ruffles his hair approvingly, eyes narrowing with the glint of delight, “it’s perfect.”

Rafael’s smile grows, and Magnus can see that he’s trying to hide his excitement, “do you think Dad will like it?”

Magnus has no doubt when he replies, “he’ll love it, my dear.”

As he pays for the pendant, along with that antique dinosaur figurine after caving into Max’s pouting (he’ll deal with Alec’s disapproving eyes later), he glances at the old clock that ticks loudly behind the counter. The shop wasn’t too far from their loft, and they should make it home with plenty of time for dinner even if Max decides he wants to walk rather than be carried (Warlock boys are just as obsessed with puddles as mundane boys). He places the paper bag that holds the pendant in the breast pocket of his coat, and hands the dinosaur to Max. Before they leave the shop, he checks to make sure the boys have their hats all the way on and helps Rafael with his umbrella before he opens his own. He goes through the motions with practiced ease; the ease in which he settled into domesticity used to catch him by surprise, but it’s second nature now. Once Magnus is satisfied that the boys will be as protected as they can be from the wind and rain, they step out into the city.

Max, as Magnus assumed, wants to walk through every puddle he finds, so Magnus gives his hood an extra tug so that it’s secure on his head. He lets Rafael take Max’s hand to lead him through the puddles, while deftly avoiding them himself - he’s already showing traces of that Shadowhunter grace like his father.

* * *

“Darling, we’re home!” Magnus shouts from the foyer, trying to give his husband a heads up as Max, after haphazardly throwing off his rain boots and coat, runs straight into the kitchen, squealing.

“Daaaaaaddddd!!!!” He hears his husband let out a small _oof_ , quickly followed by a chuckle as Max tells him all about the adventures of his day. Rafael diligently takes his boots off, and starts working on his coat while he walks into the kitchen to join his father and brother. Magnus follows closely behind after putting Max’s abandoned items neatly in a corner, and his own coat in the foyer closet (he’s told the boys they’ll give Dad his gift after dinner, during their family time).

“It smells delicious in here darling,” he says, truthfully “those cooking lessons are clearly paying off.” 

Alec raises an eyebrow at him, but Magnus ignores it and plants a kiss on his lips instead. Alec’s faux scowl curls up into a smile, and Magnus feels that familiar warmth spread in his heart.

He thinks of the journey their lives took to get to this point, where they got to have their beautiful family. How empty his life had been before meeting Alec. How much Alec’s love has changed him. He recalls his frivolous parties, making superficial connections in lieu of finding something real; early on in their relationship, when he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop; how he never felt worthy, hesitant to lean into Alec’s love in fear that he may lose it all. So many times, Magnus tried to run from this - to convince himself that happiness would only destroy him in the end.

Every step of the way, Alec lovingly guided him back with more patience and grace than he probably deserved. With every action, word, moment he brought feeling back into Magnus’ hollow heart. And if every loss and heartbreak culminated in his life now, he can’t imagine doing any of it differently.

“You alright, Magnus?” He hears Alec ask, once he let Max down with instructions to go wash his hands (and a silent nod to Rafael, which they all understood to mean “make sure your brother washes his hands”). Alec pulls him in for a proper embrace, kissing him on the forehead, and Magnus lets out a happy hum.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He replies, voice soft and warm. “I’m perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and that’s all, folks!
> 
> Thank you SO much for reading. It started off with just an idea, and I’m just so glad (and low-key shocked) I managed to finish it all on schedule.  
> Special shoutout for everyone who left comments or kudos. They really kept me going when I started to drag my feet a bit. I appreciated them all.
> 
> And finally, if you haven’t listened to it, I HIGHLY recommend the album that inspired it all. Dermot Kennedy makes beautiful music, and without the album, I probably never would’ve shared my writing so publicly.
> 
> I have a few other Malec plot bunnies that I might end up writing, but in the meantime, thank you all again. I hope you enjoyed the series as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> xoxo  
> tsujiharu


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